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Episode 0394: Paper Boy vs. Chad Sexington

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Hail friends,

I take my time and drag may feet as I make my way to the Moonglow Town Fund Party a few minutes late. I don't actually know how the whole "Town Fund" thing works yet, but people were happy about how much gold they raised for the city of Moonglow and this was the after party. I figured a few people would show up, most of them would have emptied their backpacks first, and whatever treasure that was left wouldn't really be the type to my jollies off just the way I like.

(I was wrong.)

The Gooch and Nighstalker were already at the scene of the crime and the odds of us tripping all over each other was extremely high. But within the city limits (with town guards) there was very little risk so why the hell not just dive right in?

Nighstalker had his eye on Paper Boy's bland but reasonable looking kryss and The Gooch was going in deeper.

EM Troubadour shows his face and provides us with a much needed distraction... until The Gooch trips over me... and then I trip over Nighstalker... and then Nighstalker gets attacked... and then The Gooch trips over me again.

Err... Look, this wasn't the smoothest heist that has ever been attempted, but who's counting.

All empty except for a couple unexciting harpsichord rolls and even less exciting pieces of food on Kattastrophe.

The Gooch reveals himself, participates with the small talk, and goes into distraction mode until others arrive... ...And then something interesting happens.

He reaches across the table, takes a bite out of an apple, and Paper Boy goes grey.

*The Gooch looks extremely ill.*

Paper Boy speaks up as he's already caught red handed:

"Look at what Katt did."

Paper Boy takes a stab at a lame attempt at shifting the blame of the poison food to Kattastrophy, but I don't think anyone was buying it. I throw a Greater Heal and Cure at The Gooch's face and yell out "Bastard!" as fair warning before a Mind Blast rips through my fingers. I flag on Paper Boy, dashes to the right to mount, and the chase is on in these cramped quarters.

I manage to somehow fumble my shurikens (which was supposed to be part of my 1-2 punch) and the element of surprise was over as Paper Boy gains the upper hand.


He yells this as I slip back into the shadows.

It's hard for me to tell what happens next as I only hear second hand reports from Nightstalker as the party degenerates and The Gooch and myself go fetch our vollems.

I arrive back at the party and spot York handling one of the most insane staffs I had ever seen:

Paper Boy goes down as the they take on a few agrresive rabbid minions and I wasn't going to wait.

Chances for success were slim, but I was tired of waiting. After all, he flagged on my guildmate first.

(He started it.)

I disregard the other on lookers and I creep up to the corpse, pop open his pack, and valiently begin to loot his belongings as fast as I can.

(How embarrassing.)

The Gooch pops in first and begins to loot my junk armor thievery gear with his grubby fingers. Paper Boy gets resurrected and is second to begin digging into my trash with equally grubby fingers.

I come back to the scene of the crime and find my crate, some regs, and orange petal in the hands of my brand new nemesis.


I follow him around for a few minutes, but even he gets tired of the scenery and he soon departs.

And through it all, blinding by my rage, I missed a golden opportunity to look York's god staff.

Things are just going from bad to worse. We've been here for close to 30 minutes and I don't think a single one of us has gotten our hands on anything of value. I lost my crate, lost some regs, and lost whatever dignity I had left. And through it all, there was Paper Boy with his stupid grin wearing his stupid hat.

And then...

...a thought.

Oh... my... god.

I'm so incredibly stupid. More stupid than I've been in a very long time and that's saying a lot.

(I have screenshots!)

And yet, the degree of my stupidity is about to pale in comparison to the levels of stupid that Paper Boy is about to reach. I take my stupid self to the stpuid scene of the stupid crime. I had a plan and it was so simple.

One apple here, another apple there. I bowl of something here and a dish of something there. I fill my pockets with as much food as I could find, turn my heels and go on the offensive. I put the word out to my fellow thieves to keep their eyes out for Paper Boy as I patrol the city, now ignoring the other fine folk.

Three sets of eyes and he wasn't here.

I head to Luna.


I scarf down the first apple. Then the next.

I grab the bowl and down the contents.

I then stuff my face with an entire platter of food and it finally happens.

I feel disoriented and nautious, Paper Boy flags on me, I call for the guards, and the crowd goes wild.

I counter act the poison an orange petal, originally looted by him from my body, now looted back by me from his body.

I take the rest and I take it all, including...

...14 more apples.

It takes a few minutes, but Paper Boy finally snaps back to reality and hilarity ensues:

I head back to the scene of the crime (yet again) and pick up anything I left behind.

(Paper Boy was not having a good day.)

I find him back at Luna bank and offer to sell back the kryss he was looking for.

He asks for 5k. I demand 10k.

Still a discount price, I know. But I had other plans.

I scout the area for 10 more minutes, but it looks like he's had enough for the day.

No matter.

I have a bag full of potentially poisoned food, all poisoned by Paper Boy. As of right now, Paper Boy is more screwed than anyone has ever been screwed before. With the help of the town guards, I can guard whack him at will and dry loot his grey body and there isn't anything he can do about it. And just remember, he was the one who poisoned the food. He was the one who flagged on The Gooch.

He was the one who started it.

(There will be no mercy.)

In total, I haul home the following:
  • 10k Gold Check
  • 1 Keg of Poison (1/3 full)
  • 4 Pieces of an Imbued LRC Suit
  • 1 Lesser Artifact Arcane Buckler
  • 1 Nice Set of Faster Casting Jewelry
...and a really stupid hat.

In the end, he should be thanking me, right? I mean, if a less virtuous person had gotten a hold of the poisoned food instead of me (and wasn't a part of the Thieves' Guild), they could rack up murder counts for Paper Boy and forever flag him as a murderer. So really, if you think about it, it's a win-win situation.


(You're welcome.)

Round 1: Chad Sexington

'Til next time!

-Chad Sexington

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