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Episode 0037: No Value

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With my poisoning skill right where I need it, I find myself anxious to test my new weapon. Todays campaign begins with an array of deadly poisoned food, specifically the irresistible pepperoni pizza.

I prepare a feast for my meaningful friends, marinated in my special green sauce. ^^

My friends were too occupied at the moment to come enjoy their treats, so

I left them to their business.

I drop by the yew gate to spread some poison pizza joy. I hear it has an interesting deathy aftertaste. But alas, followers of the gate always bring an orange potion to wash down their pizza.

I recall from town to town, distributing my tainted cuisine.

I find myself in Cove

Lady Molly, a dazzling young lady, is sharpening her pickaxe and enjoying some midday sun.

I immediately fall under the spell of this temptress. I've always had a thing for the blond miner type.

Getting closer I ponder whether to snoop her pack, or bounce a gold piece off of her ass.

I decide to take a peek into her purse.

A bright shiny blue diamond, perhaps a gift to me as a token of her affection


The diamond quenched my thirst for shiny things but something drew me back to the green robed beauty.

I reveal as I step close to her

I give her a smile in an attempt to charm her

"Aw what an adorable little stealther you are" She exclaims

Adorable? little stealther? She had diminished my manlyness

I attempt to recover and reveal my true profession

"I am the greatest thief to ever walk these parts!" I proclaimed

"Well isn't that cute" she replies

Bah! nothing would impress this woman!

I must bring her the head of a scripter, she would certainly be mine then!

I bid the lady farewell and set off to spill some blood.

But something brought me back once again

My poisoned dagger was crying out to me


"No dagger" I responded "She is nice, plus she's in the guardzone"

But the daggers force was strong

I assumed my combat stance

But something cried out to me. Perhaps the remains of my repressed conscience?

I sheathed my dagger and went off in search of a more deserving victim.

Which brings me to the eastern Britan bank.

Abraxxus of Hell is sitting idly atop his ethereal steed

His backpack contains nothing but runebooks and a skinning knife

He is armed with a powerful dagger designed to kill dragons and such.

I study this mans every move. He recalls in and out, each time returning with a pack full of leather for his bankbox. But I don't want his leather. I want to see him convulse from deadly poison.

I move into position and load my fukiya

Taking a deep breath, I take aim at the mans groin

The poison courses through his veins, and Abraxxus springs to life

But this man was no stranger to a poisoned groin, with a few incantations he quickly dispatches the poison

And then he is gone

For a while I wait for his return but my frustration grows.

What the hell was I even doing?

Can I really call myself a thief?

Will I ever do anything right?

What the hell!

After some time I collected my thoughts and pressed onward.

My first stops would be the rest of the felluccan banks. Maybe I would run into mr Abraxxus of Hell again.

Next time ill use my dagger, I thought

I dropped into Empath Abbey and noticed something was awry

OJ Simpson was sitting atop his mount wearing nothing but a pair of sandles and a half apron, which was concealing his left hand.

The display was grotesque, enough to repulse anyone.

And he seemed to get some sort of pleasure from his disgusting display

A satchel was slung over his waist and it appeared to have something weighing it down.

Closing in, I prey the pervert doesn't notice me

He is so busy eyeing the banker girl that he doesn't notice me peel open the lid of his satchel.

A few potions, arrows

But wait, What's this?? uninsured?!?

Holy flaming crapcakes!

This is exactly the kinda score I've been waiting for!

Who does this guy think he is?

I target the dyes and prepare for the steal

This item has no value to you.


I am revealed

The pervert turns around

"You've got a perty mouth" He says as he begins to lift his apron


I run

and run

Rage consumes me

my steal, thwarted by a technicality, I realize what needs to be done

I grip my deadly poisoned dagger and trudge back

I sneak up behind OJ and prepare to strike


The dagger tears into his flesh

I stab him in the back and the poison immediately hits him

Again, and again I stab him as he convulses and shakes

Without a chance, the poison consumes him. He didn't even try to fight back, or run away. Maybe he wanted to die.

On his body, was my prize

15 charges of paragon gold tokuno dye

YES!! It was HIS, now it is MINE!

I make my escape as word spreads of my misdoings

I laughed all the way to the bank.

-Bill Brasky

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