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Episode 014: I will be forever haunted by today's events.

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Hail friends,

My last keg of deadly poison is almost empty. My shurikens are running low. I apply some of the remaining poison to a few pieces of fruit to aid me. And with no desire to visit champion spawns, I search for adventure elsewhere.

What will Luna throw at me today?

Red gates? Another pack horse? Feluccan vendor rune?

Ah, my old friend Excelcius! (Seems like just yesterday last we met. ^^)

Drunken bards it is! Still sobbering up, the disheveled bard stumbles to the stables. He grows grumpy as he searches unsuccessfully for his next high.

I wish there was some way I could help him.


This poor sosarian was screaming for help, too embarrassed to admit it. "Fight poison with poison" my mother always told me.


I decide to break his legs.


Close enough.

I pack my lucky leg breaking mallet and I'm off! *must beat the drunken bard to his house... then pummel the alcoholism out of him one leg at a time*

I rush past the stables and hear familiar music playing in the distance.



*my blood runs cold*


...Chad you disgusting, worthless, fool...

The music continues--mocking me.

...I feel light headed...

What have I gotten myself into? Could this be--the fabled player city of Dainty Bardington! It's said that those who fall under their hypnotic melodies lose their masculinity and no longer crave female companionship.

Exorcist was one of these vicious sirens. (Don't let the sweet smile and high heels fool you.)

On my first visit to these grounds luck would have me enter and leave without a scar. Was I lucky? Or has fate brought me here to finish the job? I take a look around the city--post haste.

Excelcius had not yet returned (to his now private house... keke). I had no time to lose. I fear no bard. But in the presence of two short skirts, I have no defense.

Exorcist must die.

I position myself atop a grassy knoll and do what must be done.

My dp shuriken penetrates his chastity belt.

The music continues even as he spasms in pain. He doesn't miss a beat. These prissy bards may indeed be easy on the eyes, but they're rough riders, and are not to be taken lightly.

He breaks a nail as he falls. The music stops.

I proceed to end the tourture of the caged animals. I'm almost done when the city alarms are sounded! My heart races faster now. I can't make out their bardic dialect, but I know an intruder alarm when I hear one! (I hear them often ^^).

Excelcius checks on his man friend, but he's too late. Then something I had not anticipated...

Jayme McCall of EoW enters the town. Either he has fallen under the charm of the bards or EoW has claimed lordship over Dainty Bardington!

Then I see the man-ish shaped lipstick on his neck--he was not himself.

What's left of my horny is completely gone, and I don't know if I'll be able to get it back. I'm in too deep.

Jayme gallops to the east as I leave some poisonous fruit at their door steps.

I follow the sceant of man-ish perfume and ale-breath.

I snoop his packs, but he holds nothing of value. With Jayme occupied I attempt to bait Excelcius out into the open. I don't have much time. Every second I stay within city limits I risk permenant damage to my manhood.

I unsheath my poisonous dagger and impatiently wait for him to return. With a skip, some bounce, and a little rhythm, he prances in my direction. He pauses to fluff his hair and takes a peek at my book.

The man-ish perfume is soffocating.

"Your GP or your HP!" I scream! As I move in for the kill!

But Excelcius had other plans in mind!

With a wink and an uncomfortable grin he lays a sloppy wet one on me. My sinuses begin to clog up, my eyes are tearing, my throat begins to swell. This one has tricks he does. The man-ish perfume... is poisonous?? Out-witted and out-poisoned, I miss, as I try to stab his petite little body. Excelcius is too bendy and dodges my advances! Blinded in the rank odor, I stumble in my actions and my concentration.

Man-ish tongue is my kryptonite.

I'm now swinging wildly.

You'd think with 6-inch heels I would be able to keep up. But this bard's had practice. He out paces me with a curtsey & kart-whell and makes some distance.

He tries to sick his puppy on me... but with will power alone I find the courage to stick a shuriken right between his cleavage.

With one blemish on his pretty skin he prances toward Minoc, in search of the guard's protection.

He returns with his man-slave and he's not too happy. The expression on his face shows anger. Anger that can only be obtained by unnecessary running resulting in bunching of the underwear.

They prepare to burst into song & dance to finish me for good.

Light-headed, blinded, and without air, I take my leave. There's no sense in me risking the same horrible fate as he. I refuse to accept their man-ish companionship.

I run away as fast as I can with what testosterone I have left.

*attempts to block out all memory of this place*

[The Story Contines]

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