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January 14, 2009
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Some rephrasing to make things sound more natural. I'm not completely satisfied with all the dialogue, and may
come back an change this chapter again in the future, but it's much better now than it was before.
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Old
Stark gladly does so watches as Gwendolyne closes her eyes as she enjoys the aroma before
taking a sip.
New
Stark gladly does so and watches Gwendolyne close her eyes as she enjoys the aroma for
a moment before taking a sip.
Left out a word, so also made some other tweaks to the sentence. While the phrase "for a moment" isn't necessary,
I decided to add it to make the reader have to pause some while Gwendolyne is pausing, before she takes the sip.
To keep the reader and the action more in synch.
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Old
Stark helps himself to several more slices of honey glazed ham and some asparagus and potatoes. The dollop of
honey dripping on to his biscuits makes his mouth water. Honey wasn't something he had the luxury of
as a child, and he asn't about to pass it up now.
New
Stark helps himself to several more slices of honey glazed ham and some asparagus and potatoes. The dollop of
honey dripping on to his biscuits makes his mouth water. He never had honey when he was little,
so he wasn't about to pass it up now.
The first version was too wooden. I wanted to make it sound more conversational.
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Old
"Very," Stark says as he takes another healthy bite to Melfina's delight. "How often do you do this?"
New
"Very," Stark says as he takes another healthy bite, to Melfina's delight. "How often do you do this?"
Left out a comma.
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Old
"I know. With all the time she spends traveling, I didn't think she would have time for cooking. It turns out
though, she likes to help the cooks prepare her food, in whatever way they'll let her. Which of course ends
with her getting an extra large helping of whatever was made because of that tongue of hers."
New
"I know. With all the time she spends traveling, I didn't think she would have time for cooking. It turns out
though, she likes to help the cooks prepare her food. She gets to learn from them, share what she knows,
and being friendly with them usually gets her an extra large helping or two, free of charge."
The last part wasn't clear enough. It definitely needed to change.
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Old
Melfina nods. "Maybe I'm a little harsh when Lord Luna, but Wayland is
definitely not the person you think he is," she says shaking a finger at him.
New
Melfina nods. "Maybe I'm a little harsh when it comes to Lord Luna, but Wayland is
definitely not the person you think he is," she says shaking a finger at him.
"talking about" just sounded a bit awkward to me, and wanted to add emphasis to the "definitely".
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Old
"My parents... they were killed in the Dragon War two years ago. "They had the most successful shop in
Luna, outside of those directly owned by the city. They were both mages and sold all kinds of magical goods.
Some work they produced themselves, other goods were attained through bargain hunting, and some of the space
was rented out to other crafters at fair prices. Not the extortion you see all over the city now."
New
"My parents... they were killed in the Dragon War two years ago. "They had the most successful shop in
Luna, outside of those directly owned by the city. They were both mages and sold all kinds of magical goods
produced by hard work, smart shopping, and renting out space to select vendors, and making sure everything
was sold at a fair price. Not the extortion you see all over the city now."
Her speech was too "history book". She's talking about her life, and her parents who are gone. I needed to
make it sound that way. I don't think I got it down, but it's better.
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Old
"When I turned ten, my parents paid for my apprenticeship with the holy mages, as my birthday
present."
New
"When I turned ten, as my present, my parents paid for my apprenticeship with the holy mages."
Using "as my birthday present" just doesn't seem like a good way to end the sentence, so I moved it.
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Old
On hearing that, Stark sits up.
New
Stark sits up.
Took out useless words.
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Old
Melfina began blinking away tears, so Gwendolyne held her friend close.
New
Melfina began blinking away tears, so Gwendolyne scooted over and held her close.
Seems like I needed to add the "stage directions". They're sitting down, eating dinner, she shouldn't already
be able to comfort Melfina.
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Old
Eventually GwendoIyne looks up and decides to speak. "I don't want to offend you in any way...
but... I have a question about the holy mages."
New
Eventually Gwendolyne looks up and breaks the silence. "I don't want to offend you in any
way... but... I have a question about the holy mages."
Typo, so I also tweaked the sentence.
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