Lots of minor over sights and a couple major ones. Plus two nice additions, and one nice change in the
conversation at the end between Trent and Draven.
Old
A step beyond the moongate presented a surprise. An Umbra full of life. It wasn't the vibrant life of Luna. It
was more subdued, but it’s heart was beating. People actually walked the streets, on some errand or
another. Melfina had stopped a passerby, and asked what was going on. She got an odd look, a shrug, and a grunt,
and the stranger moved on.
New
A step beyond the moongate presented a surprise. An Umbra full of life. It wasn't the vibrant life of Luna. It
was more subdued, but its heart was beating. People actually walked the streets, on some errand or
another. Melfina had stopped a passerby, and asked what was going on. She got an odd look, a shrug, and a grunt,
and the stranger moved on.
Typo #1
Old
The scent of stew, roasted boar, and freshly baked bread caught her attention, and she made her way to a huge
grey tent, with a shop sign declaring it The Skeleton's Swill. A look inside confirmed that it was a tavern,
despite it's odd appearance. Long tables and benches were filled with people, much like any other
tavern. A good portion of them obviously not from Umbra. The low hum of conversation swirled around her, with
laughter popping up from time, and a man dressed in a plain, long sleeved shirt, tucked into his cleanly cut
pants, both of the Umbran style, stepped up to her.
New
The scent of stew, roasted boar, and freshly baked bread caught her attention, and she made her way to a huge
grey tent, with a shop sign declaring it The Skeleton's Swill. A look inside confirmed that it was a tavern,
despite its odd appearance. Long tables and benches were filled with people, much like any other
tavern. A good portion of them obviously not from Umbra. The low hum of conversation swirled around her, with
laughter popping up from time to time, and a man dressed in a plain, long sleeved shirt tucked into
his cleanly cut pants, both of the Umbran style, stepped up to her.
Typo #2 and completed an incomplete phrase and took out a comma
Old
"Hello, miss," he said with a smile. "You look like you have question that needs answering."
New
"Hello, miss," he said with a smile. "You look like you have aquestion that needs answering."
Fixed the grammar.
Old
"It turned out that people liked the open feeling the tents gave the place, so while the quality of the
materials were improved, the owner decided to keep it as it is. All he really added was a roof over the bar
area," he points to the bar off in it's own seperate area right outside the tent entrance.
New
"It was the night of the Shadow Moon. It's our day of worship." He puts a comforting hand on her shoulder
after seeing the look on her face. “No need to be embarrassed. I'm sure that happens to plenty of people. This
Reunification business has boosted tourism. Where are you from, if I may ask?”
Accidentally pasted this paragraph twice during the last revision. Good thing I keep all my revisions now, so I
was able to just copy/paste this from version 1.00.
Old
"Oh, how interesting. Despite the Reunification involving Luna, we actually don’t get many people from there.
Yet. But the news has brought people to come take a look at our great city from pretty much everywhere else as
you can see,” he says as he extends his arm, presenting the tavern and it’s patrons to her.
New
"Oh, how interesting. Despite the Reunification involving Luna, we actually don’t get many people from there.
Yet. But the news has brought people to come take a look at our great city from pretty much everywhere else as
you can see,” he says as he extends his arm, presenting the tavern and its patrons to her.
Typo #3. How terrible that it's the same one.
Old
He comes back quickly, and the pair leave the tavern. The tavern keeper's eyes flicker toward the
two, and he can't keep a slight frown from forming on his face.
New
He comes back quickly, and they leave the tavern. The tavern keeper's eyes flicker toward the two, and he
can't keep a slight frown from forming on his face.
Fixed the grammar.
Old
They walk down a paved path, and every step towards the mountainside that the tower known as the Altar of
Divination was carved into, Trent spouts out one random fact or another, never pausing for breath.
New
They walk down a paved path, and every step towards the Altar of Divination, Trents spouts off fact after fact.
That the entire tower is all of one piece. It was carved directly from the mountain itself. And all the original
necromancers built it alongside everyone else, and each of them contributing to the creation of the pentagram
that sits in the main hall with their own blood on the day of the Altar's completion.
It was a horrible, horrible sentence. So I decided I might as well actually spout off some facts since I was
re-writing it.
Old
"We pride ourselves on how free everyone is to express themselves in their own way, and persue
whatever they desire, including research of their choice.
New
"We pride ourselves on how free everyone is to express themselves in their own way, and pursue
whatever they desire, including research of their choice.
Typo #4
Old
The Occlusion Monument was a made of three pillars arranged in a triangle with a much shorter pillar in the
center with a glass case on top of it. The bordering pillars have triangular bases, that rise up twice that of
Melfina's height, and narrow to a point at the top. The pillars are encircled by a ring of red moss, and the
stone circular pillar in the center carries a copy of the original pact, which the names and signatures of
people dead and gone.
New
The Occlusion Monument was a made of three pillars arranged in a triangle with a much shorter column in the
center. The bordering pillars rise to a point from triangular bases, at a height twice that of Melfina's.
A ring of red moss encircles it all, and the central column carries a copy of the original pact, with the
names and signatures of people dead and gone.
Too boring. Needed more life to it.
Old
Melfina could just feel an intense aura emanating from the monument. She was so enraptured that she didn't
notice as Trent moved behind her, nor did she hear him as he pulled out a short rope from within his pockets.
New
Melfina could just feel an intense aura emanating from the monument. She was so enraptured that she didn't
notice as Trent moved behind her, or feel him take her supply of black pearl, nor did she hear him as
he pulled out a short rope from within his pockets and wrap each end tightly around both hands.
The suspense was lacking. The paragraph needed to be extended to fix that.
Old
But then a familiar voice called out. "Melfina! That is you! I knew I recognized that blue
dress of yours."
New
Then a familiar voice called out. "Melfina! That is you! I knew I recognized that blue dress of
yours."
Works better starting with "Then."
Old
"Yes. I heard about that," the tourguide said.
"It would be a shame to create an incident that would cause the Reunification to fall apart."
New
"I haven't heard about that," the tourguide said.
"Of course not. It's possible that not everyone knows about it yet. It would be a shame if an
incident happened that would cause the Reunification to fall apart."
I think this works better with denials. But it's hard to say. I hope that the writing isn't going over the
reader's heads like the conversation is going over Melfina's, but it works in my head.