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December 30, 2008
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Old
A step through the moongate presented to her a surprise. An Umbra full of life. It
wasn't the vibrant life of Luna. It was more subdued, but it’s heart was beating.
People actually walked the streets, on some errand or another. Melfina had stopped a passerby, and asked what
was going on. She got an odd look, a shrug, and a grunt, and the stranger moved on.
New
A step beyond the moongate presented a surprise. An Umbra full of life. It wasn't the vibrant life of
Luna. It was more subdued, but it’s heart was beating. People actually walked the streets, on some errand or
another. Melfina had stopped a passerby, and asked what was going on. She got an odd look, a shrug, and a grunt,
and the stranger moved on.
The tempo of that first sentence seemed off, so again... like most of my corrections, I took out, what turned out
to be, unnecessary words. And I have no idea why I didn't see that those two paragraphs are actually one
paragraph.
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Old
The scent of stew, roasted boar, and freshly baked bread caught her attention, and she made her way to a huge
grey tent, with a shop sign declaring it The Skeleton's Swill.
A look inside confirmed that it was a tavern, despite it's odd appearance. Long tables and benches, much
like any other tavern, with people filling the seats, a good portion of them obviously not from Umbra.
A low hum of conversation swirled around her, with laughter here and there, and a man dressed in a
plain long sleeved shirt which was tucked into his cleanly cut pants, both of the Umbran style, stepped up to her.
New
The scent of stew, roasted boar, and freshly baked bread caught her attention, and she made her way to a huge
grey tent, with a shop sign declaring it The Skeleton's Swill. A look inside confirmed that it was a tavern,
despite its odd appearance. Long tables and benches were filled with people, much like any other
tavern. A good portion of them obviously not from Umbra. The low hum of conversation swirled
around her, with laughter popping up from time, and a man dressed in a plain, long sleeved shirt,
tucked into his cleanly cut pants, both of the Umbran style, stepped up to her.
Mostly this needed to also be combined into one paragraph. And my long run on sentence needed to be reorganized
and split into two. I wanted to background noise to sound more general, so, oddly, I changed "a" to "the" to
make it sound more specific. To make it sound like the background conversation was blurred into one noise
rather than seperate conversations, and I needed to change the "here and there" to "from time to time" for the
exact same reason. I don't know if my original intent was to make it seem like seperate conversations, but it
seems to me, now, that if that was the chase, the occasional laughter would be distractions to the conversation
between Melfina and Trent.
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Old
"Hello, miss," he said with a smile. "You look like you have question that need answering."
New
"Hello, miss," he said with a smile. "You look like you have question that needs answering."
Typo
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Old
"It turned out that people liked the open feeling the tents gave the place, so while the quality of the
materials were improved, the owner decided to keep it as it is. All he really added was a roof over the bar
area," he points out the entrance over on her right, where people are enjoying mugs of their drink of
choice.
New
"It turned out that people liked the open feeling the tents gave the place, so while the quality of the
materials were improved, the owner decided to keep it as it is. All he really added was a roof over the bar
area," he points to the bar off in it's own seperate area right outside the tent entrance.
Well that last sentence was awkward. Not clear at all. A downside to being able to load up the game see
where things are. It was clear when I originally wrote it, but now that I've had time away, it definitely
needed to be reworded.
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Old
They walk down a paved path, while Trent never pauses for breath, spouting out a random fact every step of
the way towards the mountainside where the tower known as the Altar of Divination was carved into.
New
They walk down a paved path, and every step towards the mountainside that the tower known as the Altar of
Divination was carved into, Trent spouts out one random fact or another, never pausing for breath.
Another sentence that needed to be reorganized. That seems to be a theme for the corrections for this chapter.
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Old
"We pride ourselves on how free everyone is to pursue whatever they desire and are free to express themselves
in any way they wish and perform research into whatever they desire."
New
"We pride ourselves on how free everyone is to express themselves in their own way, and persue whatever they
desire, including research of their choice.
Another restructuring needed. I wonder how many drafts of this chapter I made before putting it up.
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Old
"But back to what I was talking about. The Occlusion Pact was an agreement signed by all the founding leaders
of Umbra. All of them necromancers, of course. They all had different goals and ideals, but were forced
together out of necessity. It's not like fear of necromancers is a new thing. So this agreement was made to
keep a balance so all each member to pursue his own individual goals while keeping a united front
against any outside threat. With interference into one another's work resulting in severe penalties. That
principle eventually came to encompass all residents within Umbra."
New
"But back to what I was talking about. The Occlusion Pact was an agreement signed by all the founding leaders
of Umbra. All of them necromancers, of course. They all had different goals and ideals, but were forced
together out of necessity. It's not like fear of necromancers is a new thing. So this agreement was made to
keep a balance so each member could pursue his own individual goals while keeping a united front
against any outside threat. Interference into one another's work resulted in severe penalties. That principle
eventually came to encompass all residents within Umbra."
This was a case of rephrasing the sentence while I was still typing it out. I do this a lot, and miss a lot of
mistakes. This is because I don't pause often so I don't lose the overall thought. This is another clue that
I probably didn't make many drafts because I was short on time, before putting this up.
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Old
The monument to the Occlusion Pact was a made of three pillars arranged in a triangle with a much
shorter pillar in the center with a glass case on top of it. The bordering pillars have triangular bases, that
rise up twice that of Melfina's height, and narrow to a point at the top. The pillars are encircled by a ring of
red moss, and the stone circular pillar in the center carries a copy of the original pact, which the names and
signatures of people dead and gone.
New
The Occlusion Monument was a made of three pillars arranged in a triangle with a much shorter
pillar in the center with a glass case on top of it. The bordering pillars have triangular bases, that rise up
twice that of Melfina's height, and narrow to a point at the top. The pillars are encircled by a ring of red
moss, and the stone circular pillar in the center carries a copy of the original pact, which the names and
signatures of people dead and gone.
Monuments have names. It seems obvious to name it here. I somehow overlooked that.
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Old
But at that moment a familiar voice called out. "Melfina! That is you! I knew I recognized
that blue dress of yours."
New
But then a familiar voice called out. "Melfina! That is you! I knew I recognized that
blue dress of yours."
The first version feels like it should have a comma in it. Either insert the comma or change the wording. Since
I wanted the immediacy of the event to be felt, rewording it was the clear choice.
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Old
She turned around and saw the familiar red-haired face of Draven approaching.
New
She turned around and saw a familiar red-haired face approaching.
Too long of a sentence again. She names Draven specifically in the very first word of the next line, so no
need to name him here.
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Old
"Draven! Look at this! Have you heard of the Occlusion Pact? If Luna ever had any monument of historical
significance, besides the paladin's church I suppose, it's been demolished and built over long ago."
New
"Draven! Look at this! Have you heard of the Occlusion Pact? Luna has nothing like this, the paladin's
church I suppose. They've all probably been demolished and used for vendor space."
This hardly sounded like real dialogue. Again needed to be reworded.
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Old
"I've owned a museum outside this city almost as long as I've owned the Museum of One Thousand Wonders! And
who is this young lad you have with you?"
New
"I've owned a museum outside this city almost as long as I've owned the Museum of One Thousand Wonders!"
Draven puts an arm around Melfina shoulders and pulls her slightly away from the tourguide.
"And who is this young lad you have with you?"
The two senteces seemed rushed. There needed to be something inbetween them. So I added the action to indicate
Draven's protective action towards Melfina in Trents presence.
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Old
Draven responds with a smile that she’s never seen on him before. "Of course, of course. I follow it
myself. Of course, I’ve been associated with this city for a while. A lot of visitors these days don’t know
about our way of life, and might accidentally stumble into someone's business. Some might treat that as
interference."
New
Of course, of course. I follow it myself. Of course, I’ve been associated with this city for a while. A
lot of visitors these days don’t know about our way of life, and might accidentally stumble into someone's
business. Some might treat that as interference."
With the previous change made, Melfina was now in a different position, making it harder to see Draven's face.
But since the smile and the pulling her towards him/away from Trent, illustrated the same thing, I didn't need
that first sentence anymore.
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Old
Draven speaks up, "I, was there earlier. Today it's official business only. No visitors. It happens."
New
Draven speaks up, "I was there earlier. Today it's official business only. No visitors. It happens."
The comma was a typo.
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Wow, this was a mess. Hopefully no other chapter was this bad. Too many obvious mistakes. Too many sentences
and paragraphs needed rearranging. The changes not only made it read better, but the chapter looks better.
Combining the sentences into paragraphs removed the monotony of having six paragraphs of two lines each, all
in a row.
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