Another huge revision to the chapter. I don't seem to do well with a lot of the description. Lots of clean up all
over the place.
Old
Only a few hours of rest, and the guard captain wakes up, and gets out of bed, and kneels beside it to pray.
When he's finished, he moves about his room preparing for another day.
New
Only a few hours of rest, and the guard captain wakes. Time to start another day, but first, he prays.
The sentence was too long. And somehow breaking it up made the paragraph a lot shorter.
Old
His room had been used for storage before it was his own. He was told to move everything out
except for one bed, blanket, pillow, and a clothing chest. The bed was large, and the room could easily fit eight
of them. Extra furniture must be paid for separately, with a ten percent discount at the House of
Furniture of course. However, Stark preferred the empty room.
New
The room had been used for storage before it became his own. He was told to move everything
out except for one bed, blanket, pillow, and a clothing chest. The bed was large, and the room could easily fit
eight of them. Any extra furniture must be paid for separately, with a ten percent discount at the House
of Furniture of course. Stark, however, preferred the emptiness.
I like the sound of not calling it "his" until the end of the sentence. Illustrates how ownership of the room
changed. I inserted "Any" because it felt like the sentence needed a bit of a transition, since I added that whole
part about how the bed fit in the room. I like the feeling of possessiveness of the noun "emptiness" rather than
"empty room".
Old
The stillness of the morning allows Stark's mind to wander, and as always, images flash through his mind. Images
he can't forget no matter how hard he tries.
New
As he prepares himself, the stillness of the early morning allows his mind to
wander. As always, images flash through his mind. Images he can't ever forget.
I felt like there needed to be a quick reminder that his mind is wandering while he's only preparing himself, and
not already on duty. I think "early" was important to put out there, so readers get the right time of day. And
the last part was just too long.
Old
He puts on his armor, then shaves. Not the full plate, just the chain mail. He doesn’t have the luxury
of the Luna teleport spells anymore. One guard for all of West Luna. Mobility is more important.
Dressed and freshened up, Stark focuses on the new day.
New
He shaves, and then puts on his armor. Not the full plate, just the chain mail. He doesn't have the
luxury of the Luna teleport spells anymore. One guard for all of West Luna. Mobility is important. Dressed and
freshened up, Stark focuses on the new day.
The first sentence definitely needed to be reversed so readers don't have to do a double-take when the read the
following sentence.
Old
Still asleep, the guard captain takes note as he moves past the merchant vendor's room. She would
most likely be exhausted from stonework the night before, and wouldn't get up until midday. Her shop is fully
stocked, and her vendors will be coming in a couple hours to open up the selling floor. He is amazed how many
items she sells each day, how much people will pay for just a small change to their homes to make it just the way
they want, and is more amazed at how she can keep up. As for the Lord of West Luna, he seems to always
be an honored guest of one Luna noble or another. He could be anywhere. They probably would
all like to know secrets of this pair.
New
Still asleep, the guard captain takes note as he moves past the merchant vendor's room. Exhausted
from stonework, she wouldn't get up until midday. Her shop is fully stocked, and her vendors would
arrive before the shop opened. She sold an impressive amount of items each day. For impressive amounts of gold.
It was amazing what people would pay for just a small change to their homes. And it was more amazing that she
could keep up.
As for the Lord of West Luna, it seemed he often spent his nights elsewhere, as an honored guest of one
Luna noble or another. He could be anywhere. Those nobles would probably love to know
secrets of this pair.
Definitely two paragraphs. And exessively long.
Old
In the kitchen, he eats a quick breakfast, and prepares a simple sandwich to take with him. The food
is always excellent here. Much better than he's used to, but he hardly notices. Breakfast is just another chore.
After cleaning up, he steps outside.
New
He eats a quick breakfast in the kitchen, and prepares a simple sandwich to take with him. The food is
always excellent here. Far better than he's used to, but he hardly notices. Breakfast is just another
chore. After cleaning up, he steps outside.
Being in the kitchen isn't the important part of the paragraph, so it shouldn't start off the paragraph.
Old
The stillness of the morning is unsettling. The sounds of trade and crafting, the sounds of life, are absent. In
this place, at this hour, there is only silence.
New
The stillness of the morning is unsettling. The sounds of trade and crafting, the sounds of life, are absent. In
this place, at this hour, there is silence.
I like the three words, three words, three words structure of the sentence.
Old
The fresh morning air will make this morning training session feel more crisp however. He unsheathes
his sword, and moves through the exercises that have been instilled into him. Moving
slowly at first, while maintaining perfect form, he moves faster and faster, becoming a whirlwind of motion.
The sword sings to him. A song of Justice. Of Valor. Of Honor. There is no doubt that the Order is his true
calling.
New
But the air was crisp, and training would feel fresh. He unsheathes his sword, and performs
the exercises that have been instilled in him. Starting slowly at first, he
maintains perfect form as he moves faster and faster, becoming a whirlwind of motion. The sword sings to
him. A song of Justice. Of Valor. Of Honor. There is no doubt that the Order is his true calling.
Too long and bland, but the ending was wonderful.
Old
One second, a blur of motion, the next, still as the morning air. Training his
breathing is part of training with his sword. The breeze gives Stark a chill as it caresses
the dampness on his face. Wiping off the beads of sweat, he begins his rounds. They
include both walking in the open to be seen by all, and waiting in hidden and obscure nooks to watch and observe.
New
A blur of motion one second, still as the air itself the next. His breath still at a steady
pace. Training his breathing is part of training his sword. The breeze caresses the dampness on his
face, and he wipes away the beads of sweat begins his rounds. Rounds in the open
to be seen by all, and hidden from sight to watch and observe.
Even thought I like it, the first sentence was too stop and go. The last sentence was too long.
Old
This early in the morning, no one else is awake. No witnesses to deter criminal acts. A vulnerable
hour. Of course he thinks the same of every hour. That's his biggest obstacle. He can't be vigilant every
hour of every day. The best he can do is vary the time and place at which he guards, trains, explores, and eats.
Even sleep is scheduled to have no discernible pattern.
New
At this time of the morning, no one else is awake. No witnesses to deter criminal acts. A vulnerable
hour. Of course he thinks the same of every hour. That's his biggest obstacle. He can't be vigilant every hour
of every day. The best he can do is vary the time and place at which he guards, trains, explores, and eats. Even
sleep is scheduled to have no discernible pattern.
I almost changed more, but it seems pretty good. The beginning just needed some tweaking. Sounded a little odd.
Old
Several rounds completed, Stark heads to the northwest, past the boundaries of the zone he guards, until
he reaches the shore. Learning the surrounding area is as important as learning West Luna itself. There's so
much I've never seen, he thinks to himself as he stares out into the sea of black that surrounds the peninsula
on which West Luna exists. The distant view from Luna's walls were incapable of preparing him for this up
close look at the vast nothingness before him. It looks like the night sky, full of pinpricks of light, yet empty
of substance. It was too much for him to comprehend how the sun could rise at the horizon, the same as above land,
and the sky would still melt from red, to orange, to blue, and back to black as the sun rose and set, yet the ocean
would remain a constant black. Even now he could see the sky begin to lighten, and distinguish itself from the ocean.
New
Hours pass, and rounds are completed. Time to explore. Stark heads northwest, past the boundaries of West
Luna, until he reaches the shore. Learning the surrounding area is as important as learning West Luna
itself. There's so much I've never seen, he thinks to himself as he stares out into the sea of black. The
distant view from Luna's walls were incapable of preparing him for this close uplook at the vast
nothingness before him. It looks like the night sky, full of pinpricks of light, yet empty of substance. It was
too much for him to comprehend how the sun could rise at the horizon, the same as above land, and the sky would
still melt from red, to orange, to blue, and back to black as the sun rose and set, yet the ocean would remain a
constant black. And West Luna stood as part of a penninsula surrounded by it. Even now he could see the
sky begin to lighten, and distinguish itself from the ocean.
I wanted to put in guard zone, but the sentence was just too long. So was the other one, but at least I was able to
break that up and place it somewhere else.
Old
Lake shores would gradually slope away and transition from land to water, but here, at the ocean shore, the land
was there and then abruptly stopped. It makes no sense. Stark dips down to one knee, needing to touch…
it… like he did the first time. His arm flinches as it passes through exactly what it looks like -
nothing. He runs his fingers along the edge marveling at how it doesn't crumble away. Smooth, like a polished
blade. Looking at his fingers, he can't find even one speck of dust clinging to the tips. History and legends
talk about bodies of water, roaring and teeming with life, but now… It's all gone.
New
Lake shores would gradually slope away and transition from land to water, but here, at the ocean shore, the land
was there and then abruptly stopped. It makes no sense. Stark dips down to one knee, needing to touch… it.
His arm flinches as it passes through exactly what it looks like - nothing. He runs his fingers along the edge
marveling at how it doesn't crumble away. Smooth, like a polished blade. Looking at his fingers, he can't
find even one speck of dust clinging to the tips. History and legends talk about bodies of water, roaring and
teeming with life, but now… It's all gone.
Sounds much better just ending the sentence at "it". It doesn't matter if this is the first time he's done it or not.
Old
He walks along the shore for several minutes before cutting inward toward the forest that covers most of
the peninsula. Still a stranger to him, no one will be able to hide once he and forest become acquainted.
New
He walks along the shore for several minutes before cutting inward toward the forest that populates most
of the peninsula. Still a stranger to him, no one will be able to hide once he and forest become acquainted.
"Populates" is a more coloful word, and fits better with the "stranger" analogy.
Old
Beneath the forest canopy, the paladin bends down to pick up a water shard to help quench his growing thirst.
During the fall of the fabled nation of Britain, when factions splintered away and became their
own nations, the oceans vanished, and the world burned, crystal growths of water began sprouting
forth from the ground, when none had existed before. Crystals that are both hard and translucent just
like ice, yet are only cool as glass, and remain solid to the touch and do not melt.
These shards quickly liquefy into drinkable water at the touch of saliva, specific vibrations, enough pressure, and
extreme heat. They even somehow evaporate at the same rate as water.
New
Beneath the forest canopy, the paladin bends down to pick up a water shard to help quench his growing thirst.
During the fabled fall of Britain, when factions splintered into smaller
nations, the oceans vanished and the world burned, and crystal growths of water began sprouting forth
from the ground when none had existed before. Crystals that are both hard and translucent as ice, yet
only cool as glass and will not melt at the touch. These shards liquefy into drinkable water at the
touch of saliva, specific vibrations, largeenough pressure, and extreme heat. And somehow they
still evaporate to make the clouds.
Too long and too technical.
Old
Stark looks off into the distance as the trickle of water tickles his tongue, and a glint of light
catches his eye. A few steps closer and he can make out a giant mass of water crystals sprouting from the ground.
New
Stark looks off into the distance as water tickles his tongue, and a glint of light catches his eye. A few steps
closer and he can make out a giant mass of water crystals sprouting from the ground.
Useless words.
Old
Stark takes careful note of his surroundings, looking for any identifying features to more readily remember
this location when suddenly, a paralyze spell strikes him in the shoulder. He quickly recovers and
takes cover behind the closest tree. Paladin training includes repeated exposure to non-fatal magical attacks
to develop a resistance, but he still feels a slight tingle in his shoulder.
New
Stark takes careful note of his surroundings. Landmarks would make things easier than an endless monotony
of trees. All of a sudden, a paralyze spell strikes him in the shoulder. He recovers and takes cover behind
the closest tree. Developing resistance to magical attack through repeated exposure was part of training as a
paladin, but he still feels a slight tingle in his shoulder.
The first sentence was too long. The last sentence is still pretty long, but at least it gets straight to the point
of the sentence.
Old
The guard captain opens his mind to capture any hint of sound, and he hears it, a steady sweeping of the
forest brush. Robes scraping the ground? Too close. He dashes to a tree further away, turns, and
moves his gaze back where he came from, ready to take in Who and How many.
New
The guard captain clears away all thought, allowing the smallest sound to reach him. Then he hears it,
a steady sweeping along the forest floor. Robes scraping the ground? Too close. He
dashes to the next tree, turns, and gazes back to where he stood, ready to take in who
and how many.
Using "brush" was confusing. The last sentence had pointless words, and maybe italicizing will work better for the
end rather than capitalization. I have no idea if there is some kind of standard for that.
Old
He watches shamefully as a crystal elemental make its way toward him. Looking almost exactly like a
crystal well, these elementals sit motionless, waiting to attract unsuspecting prey. It then paralyzes its
prey, and drains it dry when it crawls on top of its helpless victim. Small animals, children, and in some
cases, adults, have fallen victim to this creature, but any half-decent warrior can handle one.
New
He watches shamefully as a crystal elemental makes its way toward him. Looking almost exactly like a
crystal well, these elementals sit still, waiting to attract unsuspecting prey. It paralyzes its
victim, then takes its time to drain it dry. Small animals, children, and in some cases, adults, have fallen
victim to this creature, but any half-decent warrior can handle one.
Typo. And the sentence was too long.
Old
Stark steps out from behind the tree and bows with a closed fist held to his chest. The hum of his sword
as he unsheathes it sends a tingle through his spine.
New
Stark steps out from behind the tree and bows with a closed fist over his heart. The hum of his sword
as he unsheathes it sends a tingle through his spine.
Wasn't as clear as I wanted.
Old
A few moments more, and the battle is over. He bows once more toward his fallen opponent, and honors it.
"You have taught me well this day." He picks up proof of his kill to later redeem for gold.
New
A few moments more, and the battle is over. He honors it once more with a bow. "You have taught me well
this day." He picks up proof of his kill to redeem for gold.
Terrible sentence. The change was just so obvious.
Old
Stark wipes his sword clean and walks back toward West Luna. He takes a break at the forest edge to eat the lunch
he prepared. After he finishes, he kneels down, completely folding his legs with his butt touching his heels,
places one hand in another so they form a circle with his thumbs, and meditates. His sword isn't the only weapon
that needs to be maintained.
New
Stark cleans his blade and walks back toward West Luna. He breaks for lunch at the forest edge then
meditates. He kneels down, in a different manner than when praying, with his body bent at the waist, and
sitting on his heels, and clears his mind. His sword isn't the only weapon that needs to be maintained.
I always had a problem describing the kneeling because of the two different ways to do it. This time I'm trying to
just specifically mention both types, and it seems to work better.
Old
Round after round, he watches and learns. He counts the steps in between buildings and walks with eyes
closed to test himself, takes in the sounds of saws, chisels, and hammers, and purposefully takes in whiffs of the odd smells
emanating from the House of Poison. He will know West Luna as well as he knows the Book of Chivalry when he is done.
New
He returns to West Luna, and round after round, he watches and learns. He counts the steps in between
buildings, and walks with eyes closed. He takes in the sounds of saws, chisels, and hammers, and takes
whiffs of the odd smells from outside the House of Poison. He will know West Luna as well as he knows the Book of
Chivalry when he is done.
Too long.
Old
Night falls, and he hardly notices as the moon rises, not many more days until a full moon. He doesn't
return to his quarters however, West Luna needs to be guarded by night as well, so his rounds continue.
New
Night falls, but he remains on watch. It would be only a few more days until the full moon, but he hardly
notices. It was more important to know when the moon was waning towards the shadow moon, and light visibility
would be low. West Luna needs to be guarded by night as well, so his rounds continue.
That first sentence didn't make much sense in its structure, and didn't make sense in that Stark has been keeping
such a careful watch on everything. Of course he'd notice the moon.
Old
The lights go out early at the House of Poison, while those at the Magic Arts and Crafts burn on. Merchant
Vendor Melfina seems to stay awake at the oddest hours at times.
New
The lights go out early at the House of Poison while those at the Magic Arts and Crafts burn on. Merchant
Vendor Melfina seems to stay awake at the oddest hours at times.
Removed comma.
Old
With the moon well overhead the sound of laughter drifts in from the east, and Stark can make
out a pair of young men making their way west, almost on a path that would cross West Luna. He
opens his mouth, ready to hail them, but as soon as they see him they angle away and go silent.
New
With the moon well overhead, the sound of laughter drifts in from the east. Stark makes out a pair of
young men heading west, on a path that would almost cross West Luna. He attempts to hail them, but
their conversation ends and they angle away as soon as they see him.
Too long.
Old
Later on, another pair walks nearby, this time keeping hidden beneath the hoods of their
cloaks, and moving silently, looking over their shoulders with nervous glances. Stark moves to catch
their eye, hand on sword hilt, and they get the message and hurry on by, making sure he doesn't follow.
New
Another pair walks by later on that night, this time keeping hidden beneath the hoods of
their cloaks. These two move with nervous glances, and Stark would prefer if they stayed clear of
West Luna. He stares at them in the moonlight with his hand on his sword hilt. They get the message and
hurry on by, making sure he doesn't follow.
The transition was awful. And some of it was too long.
Old
When the guard captain finally judges that his shift is done, he heads back to the manor
house of his lord. He eats a simple sandwich, then heads back to his room to remove his
armor. After a quick bath, decides what time to wake the next morning, writes down in his journal and knows it will be easy to wake up in only a few hours.
The paladin then kneels by his bed and begins to pray.
New
The guard captain finally heads home when he judges his shift is done. He eats another sandwich,
then heads back to his room and removes his armor. After a quick bath, hedecides what time
to wake the next morning, writes into his journal, and knows it will be easy to wake up in
only a few hours. The paladin then kneels by his bed and begins to pray.