Finally a revision that didn't need too much revising. Some typos, and some paragraph fixes. Nothing major.
Old
She has been through an eventful day and just wants to relax and recuperate. Instead, something else
gets stacked onto her shoulders.
New
It's been an eventful day, but instead of being able to relax and recuperate, one more thing gets
stacked onto her shoulders.
This change isn't really all that necessary, but I didn't like "She has been through.."
Old
"Forgive me Merchant Vendor, but attending a party is important business for lords. As many deals are made at a
party as at a formal gathering," newly appointed guard captain responds.
New
"Forgive me Merchant Vendor, but attending a party is important business for lords. As many deals are made at a
party as at a formal gathering," thenewly appointed guard captain responds.
Missing word.
Old
"No he's not. Walking around in fancy armor, carrying his fancy bow, and living in his fancy house doesn't make
him a lord!" yells the exasperated Melfina. The ordeals of the day have worn away at her patience.
New
"No, he's not. Walking around in fancy armor, carrying his fancy bow, and living in his fancy house doesn't make
him a lord!" yells the exasperated Melfina. The ordeals of the day have worn away at her patience.
Missing comma.
Old
"He has lands…"
New
"He has lands-"
Updating to my new conventions.
Old
Melfina used to have a shop within Luna itself. Attacks by the God of Wealth, Tal'Keesh, and her army changed all
that. Lord of West Luna had been impressed with her previous shop, from its focus and depth of goods to its
fairness of price, organization, and looks. He took a gamble by funding the construction of her new home. He
even had it built right next to his own. He would provide all the advertisement needed, so she would only have to
focus internally in making the shop profitable. The current agreement between them gives her total control as
long as she can make quarterly payments to pay off her debt, otherwise she forfeits everything she owns.
New
Melfina used to have a shop within Luna itself. Attacks by the God of Wealth, Tal'Keesh, and her army changed all
that. Lord of West Luna had been impressed with her previous shop, from its focus and depth of goods, to its
fairness of price, organization, and looks. He took a gamble by funding the construction of her new home. He
even had it built right next to his own. He would provide all the advertisement needed, so she would only have to
focus internally in making the shop profitable. The current agreement between them gives her total control as
long as she can make quarterly payments to pay off her debt, otherwise she forfeits everything she owns.
Added a comma.
Old
Melfina wrote out the contract herself. What else could she have done? She had lived within Luna all her life.
She knew nothing about the outside world except through books. Books she lived for. Without a shop she would
have had to sell them to survive, with no hope of getting them back. Slowly part with them one by one,
watching the collection that she had built her entire life continue to dwindle until there was nothing left. She had no
choice but to take the Lord of West Luna's offer. Yet if she couldn't make the next payment, she would then lose
them all at once.
New
Melfina wrote out the contract herself. What else could she have done? She had lived within Luna all her life.
She knew nothing about the outside world except through books. Books she lived for. Without a shop she would
have had to sell them to survive, with no hope of getting them back. It had been her life's work to build
up the collection she had, and slowly parting with it one book at a time was an unbearable thought. She had
no choice but to take the Lord of West Luna's offer. Yet if she couldn't make the next payment, she would
then lose them all at once.
I don't think that wasn't a proper sentence. And it sounded odd if I just added a "She would have had to..."
Old
Her heart races as she reaches out to pick up the impaled page that tore free from the Tome. Relief
quickly floods through her as she discovers her mistake. It was the cover that had kept it hidden from
other shoppers and not a page that had ripped free as she had feared. She picks up the Tome of Lost Knowledge and
flips through the pages. She searches for any significant damage, and finds none.
New
Her heart races as she reaches out to pick up the impaled page that tore free from the Tome. Relief
floods through her as she discovers her mistake. It was the cover that had kept it hidden from other shoppers,
and not a page, that had ripped free as she had feared. She picks up the Tome of Lost Knowledge and flips through
the pages. She searches for any significant damage, and finds none.
Was being redundant. And added commas.
Old
Melfina furiously turns around, releasing her anxiety on the paladin. "Just a spellbook! This is a Tome
of Lost Knowledge! Do you have any idea what that means! It is a copy of one of the original spellbooks that
were put together when Resurrection had been found! When all Eight Circles had only recently
been completed and the search for a Ninth Circle continued!"
New
Melfina furiously turns around, releasing her anxiety on the paladin. "Just a spellbook! This is a Tome
of Lost Knowledge! Do you have any idea what that means! It is a copy of one of the original spellbooks that
were put together when Resurrection had been found! When all eight Circles had just been completed!
When mages still seached for a Ninth!"
That last sentence was too long. And defintely had words with too many syllables for a rant.
Old
"I understand. My apologies Merchant Vendor. I did not realize. From the way our Lord was speaking to you, I
did not know it was that valuable." Stark bows.
New
"I understand. My apologies Merchant Vendor. I did not realize. From the way our Lord was speaking to you, I
did not know it was that valuable." Stark bows his head.