Enlightenment - Chapter XV

January 20, 2009

• Minor changes for clarification, increasing action, and fixing bad wording... but a lot of them.

• Old

  The cool forest air subsided her anger and she was thinking more clearly once again.

  New

  The cool forest air washed over her and she was thinking clearly once again.

  Ugly wording.
• Old

  But maybe he was right when it came to Wayland too. Right for the wrong reason. Wayland probably didn't give the order. He only needed to casually mention interest in her shop, and curiosity in her rare books, and when the right ears heard, they would act to gain his favor. Wayland gets what he wants, yet remains clean of the crime. In his view at least.

  New

  And maybe he was right when it came to Wayland too. Right for the wrong reason. Wayland probably didn't give the order. He didn't need to give orders. Just casually mention interest in herself and her collection to the right ears, and someone would jump at the chance to gain favor with the stupid High Father.

  Comma monster strikes again.
• Old

  Stark might be right, but she was right as well.

  New

  Stark might be right, but so was she.

  Simpler and direct to the point works here. Why doesn't it work other times? Just sounds better here. I don't really have many rules to follow when it comes to something like this. Maybe I'll figure it out later.
• Old

  Still... it was definitely too much for him to take in at once. If he wasn't always so unwavering in his beliefs! If he'd listen a little bit more! Maybe I wouldn't get so angry with him and would have realized it before I spoke up!

  New

  Still... it was definitely too much for him to take all at once. If he wasn't always so stubborn and closed-minded! If he'd listen a little bit more! Maybe I wouldn't have been so angry with him and waited for a better time!

  Definitely too wordy for a rant.
• Old

  A breeze picks up and Melfina shivers. I should have brought my hat, she thinks as she brushes a few stray hairs off her face. Her eyes refocus and take in her surrounding. The trees were densely packed and the brush was thick. She hadn't ever been this far into the woods. The unfamiliar territory made her conscious of how alone she truly was.

  New

  A gust of wind attacks Melfina's hair and snaps her attention back to the present. The trees were densely packed and the brush was thick. She couldn't recognize this part of the forest and wasn't really sure which way led back home. She became especially conscious of how alone she truly was.

  It took too long to transition from the argument to the forest.
• Old

  Melfina looks behind her to make sure nothing's there. Stop being a little girl Melfina! She follows up that thought with I wish I could summon Reagent.

  New

  Melfina quickly glances behind her, just to make sure nothing's there. Stop being a little girl Melfina! she follows up that thought with I wish I could summon Reagent.

  The new version more closely conveys my original intent.
• Old

  But she made a promise to Stark. She had to unsummon Reagent right then and there. She had to stop using necromancy altogether. At least until he reported back to his precious Lord of West Luna to listen to his judgement. At least he was willing to listen to someone else, even if it wasn't her.

  New

  But she promised. She unsummoned Reagent right there in front of him. She agreed to stop using necromancy completely. At least until he reported back to his precious Lord of West Luna and heard his judgement. At least he was willing to listen to someone else, even if it wasn't her.

  I just didn't like a lot of my word choices. "Altogether" didn't seem to fit well. Neither did, "then and there."
• Old

  She pats her bag, feeling for its hard cover. Maybe it wasn't smart of her to bring it along, but as she grabbed supplies on her way out, she couldn't bring herself to leave the centerpiece of her collection unprotected. Not after yesterday.

  New

  She pats her bag, feeling for the Tome's bulk. Maybe it wasn't smart of her to bring it along, but as she grabbed supplies on her way out, she couldn't bring herself to leave the centerpiece of her collection unprotected. Not after yesterday.

  I don't think "cover" worked like it was supposed to.
• Old

  Then she realizes something. She'd had it this whole time, yet never spent any real time looking through it. All the distractions, on top of the simple fact that she was content just knowing it was a part of her collection, made her lose sight of the treasure she possessed.

  New

  Then an odd realization struck her. The whole time she's owned the Tome of Lost Knowledge, she'd never taken a good look inside. There had just been too many distractions, and too many reasons to wait a little longer.

  The "realizes something" is what mainly got me to look at this paragraph. Although the whole thing wasn't all that great.
• Old

  A quick look finds her a flat rock, so she takes a seat and opens the book. Simply touching it was enough for her to sense its power as a mana focus.

  New

  A nice, flat rock beckons to her. Sitting comfortably, she opens up the Tome. Its power as a mana focus made itself known, without any effort at all.

  A little dull. Gave it more action.
• Old

  How did we lose so much knowledge? Sure Britian fell apart, Wind was destroyed, and the great mages killed and scattered, but knowledge is greater than any one person.

  New

  How did we lose so much knowledge? Sure Britian fell apart, Wind was destroyed, and the great mages killed and scattered, but knowledge was greater than any one person.

  Grammar.
• Old

  For a few moments Melfina was able to dive into the words and soak in its mysteries. Interesting. Why draw the Codex here? And why not label it if its supposed to be a reference? What do the virtues have to do with magery?

  New

  What's the Codex doing here? What do the virtues have to do with magery? And why not label it if its supposed to be a reference?

  Too much. Tried to be too fancy.
• Old

  Before she gets further, a beastly voice calls out.

  New

  After those few precious moments with her Tome, a beastly voice calls out.

  I don't think the first version was clear enough at how little time Melfina spent with the book before Darksage calls out to her.
• Old

  Her head jerks up, and a dark wolf fills her. She hadn't imagined it. There had been a voice. And like it said, he had returned. Powerful, confident, and dark as night, the familiar had found her.

  New

  Her head jerks up, and a dark wolf stands before her. She hadn't imagined it. There had been a voice. And like it said, he had returned. Powerful, confident, and dark as night, the familiar had found her.

  I left out an important "vision". But then decided that wouldn't work quite right anyway.
• Old

  His jaws snap in anger at her ignorance.

  New

  His jaws snap at her ignorance.

  Useless words.
• Old

  Melfina was ready. She had the Tome. All her spells would be more potent. She casts a magic arrow into his face, teleports to put distance between them, then follows up with a fireball.

  New

  Melfina was ready. She had the Tome. All her spells would be more potent. She throws a magic arrow, teleports back, and releases a fireball in rapid succession.

  Wanted it more active.
• Old

  His fur is only just barely singed as he leaps away, dodging the brunt of the attack. The dark wolf runs to the right, and disappears into the brush. Hidden from view, he calls out, "Fireballs! You won't earn my respect that way. Show me the power of your necromancy!"

  New

  Darksage leaps away, dodging the brunt of the attack, and disappears into the woods. His voice calls out, "Fireballs! That won't be enough! Show me your true power necromancer!"

  How about I don't spell it out so clearly? And calling her necromancer rather than referring to necromancy works better with her thoughts in the beginning of the chapter.
• Old

  Melfina ignores him, and instead concentrates on finding him. She takes advantage of the time he's giving her and precasts a lightning bolt. Just one final twitch would complete the spell, releasing the energy at her finger tips.

  New

  Melfina ignores the words, and focuses solely on locating the voice. With a lightning bolt already precasted, one final twitch would unleash the energy from her finger tips.

  She wasn't ignoring him. Completely missed what I was trying to convey.
• Old

  She hears something behind her, and turns to find him already leaving the ground, jaws ready to make the killing blow. Lightning explodes from her hands, tossing him to the ground. I need to end this now! Flamestrike was a spell of choice for many mages, or so she had heard, so she prepares that next.

  New

  She hears something behind her, and turns to find him already leaving the ground, jaws ready to make the killing blow. Lightning explodes from her hands, tossing him to the ground. I need to end this now! Flamestrike was a spell of choice for many mages, or so she had heard, so she precasts that next.

  I already explained what precasting was, so better to use it again.