Enlightenment - Chapter XIV

January 19, 2009

• The whole chapter was basically redone.

• Old

  It couldn't be morning already. She had only just set her head down.

  New

  It couldn't be morning already. She had only just laid her head down.

  "Set" makes me think about putting your head down on a desk. "Laid" down is better when trying to convey a bed.
• Old

  Wasn't I supposed to do something? she thinks as she stares at the ceiling.

  New

  Wasn't I supposed to do something? she thinks, staring blankly at the ceiling.

  Same thing, reworded to be more active.
• Old

  She tries, but cannot form a solid thought.

  New

  She tries to remember, but can't seem to hold onto her thoughts.

  I just didn't like how the original way sounded... I'm not quite sure why.
• Old

  Still staring, she reaches over to her night stand, feeling for her hairbrush. Her fingers close around the empty air.

  New

  The confusion clings to her as she reaches for her hairbrush, only to find herself greeted with air.

  "Still staring", seems like a clumsy way to start that paragraph. Since these chapters are so short, I think it works better to have things and ideas performing actions as a way to get a lot across. But I do wonder if I do it too much.
• Old

  She sits up, looks over, and finds her brush really isn't there.

  New

  She looks over to her nightstand and her eyes confirm the brush is gone.

  Most people wouldn't sit up first, when a simple twist of the neck is enough. Not when just waking up. And breaking up a sentence with two commas is something I definitely do too often.
• Old

  She gets out of bed, searches the floor, underneath the bed, everywhere, but her search ends in frustration.

  New

  She takes her time and does a thorough search, but frustration is all she finds.

  Too many commas again. I gotta stop that. Every once in while's ok, but it's something I certainly need to look out for.
• Old

  She gets dressed and heads downstairs, then lays blank scrolls, reagents, pens, and inks on to her usual work desk.

  New

  After she gets dressed, she heads downstairs and sets up her workspace, ready to get things going for another day.

  The comma monster attacks again. Well... in a different way this time. Mostly I was just getting unnecessarily specific. Add to the fact that this is a dream sequence, less is better.
• Old

  Can't forget my water.

  New

  Water, water, water.

  I was trying to hard to set up some shattering glass. And throwing in once again, the fact that the world we're in gets water in crystal form. It was better to put some more natural thoughts in there. Her actions will clear up what her thoughts were trying to convey, if the thoughts weren't enough.
• Old

  She grabs her pitcher and fills it with water crystals. She takes the tuning fork and gives it a quick rap on the desk. When it touches the crystals, they liquefy in an instant. She takes s sip and feel the coolness trickle down her throat into her stomach.

  Why don't I feel hungry?

  New

  Crystals tumble into the pitcher, clinking around almost musically. They liquifiy instantly at the touch of the humming tuning fork. She pours herself a glass and the coolness creeps down her throat as she swallows.

  Why don't I feel hungry? she thinks as the coolness hits her stomach.

  People don't often pour themselves a glass of water, only to take a sip, so I fixed that. Plus the paragraph was too instruction manual. The action words make this dull process a bit more interesting. And I don't think it was clear enough why the hunger thought was triggered at this time, so I moved that last bit to connect it directly to that thought.
• Old

  She walks over to the food cabinet, scolding herself for storing food in the same area as the books and scrolls. She shouldn't keep food here in the library, she certainly wouldn't want anyone else eating in this room, but she didn't really have anywhere else to keep it.

  Maybe I should remodel the top floor. Expand it.

  New

  There's no way I'd let anyone else eat in the library, but what do I do? I keep my food down here of course! How does that make any sense! But where else do I keep it? Maybe expand the top floor?

  The old way worked okay. But I think it's more fun to see her scold herself.
• Old

  She opens the cabinet, and finds it empty. Empty of bread. Empty of nuts. Empty of dried fruits. Empty of everything.

  New

  She opens the cabinet, and finds it empty. Empty of bread. Nuts. Dried fruit. Everything.

  The repetition wasn't really working here. It's not horrible. I could have left it all in there, and only shortened the last sentence, and I would have been fine with it, but I think it just prolongs the impact of the last word, without getting much out of it, so the sooner I get to the one word, "Everything" sentence, the better.
• Old

  Before the thought is completes, glass shatters behind her.

  Fear fills her. Fear of water damage to her scrolls rather than how the pitcher could have broken.

  New

  The shatter of glass startles her. Oh no! she thinks. Concern for possible water damage takes priority over all other thoughts.

  The first sentence was a case of changing thought mid sentence, and missing the mistake ("Before the thought completes"... to... "Before the thought is complete(d)"). Fear fills her is a little bit too simple here, and might give off a comic imagine of fear being poured from a water pitcher since he poured herself a glass of water earlier in the chapter. Throwing out the question about how the pitcher broke is a little more direct than I like to be, so I just got rid of it, and hope the following paragraphs just make everything clear.
• Old

  She turns. There was no spill. There was no pitcher. There were no supplies.

  New

  She turns. There was no spill. No broken pitcher or glass. In fact, nothing was there. Everything she had just laid out was all gone.

  The old version was trying to mimic the repetition from earlier in the chapter. But just like the other one, the repetition wasn't really working.
• Old

  A blur crosses her vision.

  The chairs are gone.

  Another blur.

  The books are gone.

  And another.

  The shelves are gone.

  New

  A dark form streaks across the room.

  The chairs have disappeared.

  It happens again.

  Her bookshelves are suddenly bare.

  Again.

  Now even the bookshelves themselves have disappeared.

  The first sentence wasn't clear at all, and the rest tried to be too simple. Again, clinging too much to trying to stick to the same repetition. Variety is the way to go here.
• Old

  Her head sweeps right, and it's as if her gaze erases the room. As quickly as something enters her vision, it fades away to nothingness.

  New

  Her head sweeps right, and everythnig it touches dissolves. Tabletops, legs, and even walls and the floor itself. What's left is a whiteness too bright to look upon.

  The second sentence certainly wasn't sufficient. But the whole paragraph needed work. I know what I was going for, but it didn't come out right, so I made tweeks to what I was trying to portray while keeping the general feeling that I was going for.
• Old

  Panic takes hold. And she has no where to go. All that is left is a small circular platform of wooden planks, floating in a sea of white.

  New

  She shuts her eys, but it's too late. She had already looked over the entire room, and now it was all gone. Even with her eyes shut, the whiteness forced its way in. A crouch and check with her hands shows her the smooth, wooden planks beneath her feet, and the edge where it abruptly stops. She was on the last existing bit of floor left, floating in a sea of white.

  It's better to more fully explain her situation. Describe what she's feeling and seeing, rather than just say "Panic takes hold." Show, and not tell. One of the main reasons for making an edit.
• Old

  She opens her mouth to scream...

  New

  She screams...

  I was trying to go for her waking up right when she releases the scream (the next line is "...and wakes up"), but that would work much better in tv, or if I spent a long time descriping the feelings she has, and how it has to be released, and then write how at the moment of release, she wakes up, but that's just too much. I wanted to get out of the nightmare with a short and simple, "...and wakes up."
• Old

  The dream quickly fades, but the fear remains. She sinks herself deeper into the warmth of her blankets, looking for safety and comfort for a danger that doesn't exist.

  Why am I so tired?

  Then she remembers. Not the dream, but the night before.

  New

  The nightmare fades, but the fear holds a tight grip on her heart. She forces herself deeper into her bed, looking for the comfort of her blanket's embrace. She lets her mind drift and lets the panic wash away in the calm.

  Sunlight creeps past her eyelids, letting her know the hour. Why am I so tired?

  Then she remembers. Not the nightmare, but the night before.

  It was a nightmare, and not a dream, first of all. And more show, don't tell. I can say "warmth", but an "embrace" usually conveys warmth, security, familiarity, and all kinds of other feelings all bundled into one word. And since this was a dream sequence, obviously the readers know that danger doesn't exist. Better to spend those words on describing how she overcomes the panic, since we have the rest of the chapter to get to.
• Old

  Someone broke into her house. Someone broke into her cabinet.

  New

  Someone broke into her house. Found their way to her collection.

  Trying too hard with repetition again. Better to talk specifically about what's important to her, and not the location where it was stored.
• Old

  She bolts upright, and jumps out of bed.

  New

  The blankets fly, and she's up and about before they can hit the ground.

  One thousand times better with show, don't tell.
• Old

  She pulls out the chest from beneath her bed, and checks to see her books still there. Even after moving them last night to keep them safe, she would lie in bed for only a few minutes, then have to get up to make sure her books here still safely tucked away.

  New

  She slides out the chest from beneath her bed, and opens it up for reassurance. Still safe. Even with her important books moved into her bedroom, panic woke her up every time she nodded off, and she'd have to check and recheck that all were still there.

  What can I say? More description needed to get across the restless night she had.
• Old

  She closes the lid, and considers casting magic trap on the chest, but decides against it once again. The tiny explosion, should someone trigger the trap, shouldn't damage the books, but she was too paranoid to risk it right now.

  New

  The lid closes, and she once again considers trapping the chest, and once again discards the thought. Occassionally magic trap made an explosion big enough to damage the contents inside whatever locked container it was set to protect. She couldn't risk that.

  Too instruction manual. And just way too messy in general. It had to be changed to it sounded more natural.
• Old

  They made it. They were inside. No one was around. They broke open the cabinet... and they took nothing!

  New

  They made it. They were inside. No one was here to stop them. They broke open the cabinet... and they took nothing!

  I tried to stick too much to the short sentences. Although not a necessary change, I think it was an improvement.
• Old

  She checked everything else she could possibly think of. Everything was still there. Not even a single reagent was taken. The only evidence of intruders was the broken cabinet.

  New

  She checked anything and everything she could possibly think of. Nothing was taken. Not even a single reagent. The only evidence of intrusion was the broken cabinet.

  Minor changes. Just sounds better.
• Old

  Any of the books in there were worth a fortune to the right buyer. They had to have known. Why else break in?

  New

  Any one of those books was worth a fortune to the right buyer. They had to have known. Why else break in?

  Making it sound more specific makes it sound stronger.

• The fear and confusion built up inside her. She checked to make sure her books were safe one more time, yet somehow seeing them all there made her angry.

  New

  She checked again, and again, to make sure her books were still safe, and yet each time, seeing them all there fueled her anger more and more.

  Here's a much better use of repetition. It has a purpose her to show her compulsive nature.
• Old

  She needs a release.

  New

  (N/A)

  I just didn't like this line this read through. I'm building up her frustration, then go to her wanting to kill/hurt things, this line here just isn't needed.
• Old

  The book of necromancy. Pain spike, strangle, and poison strike seem a lot more attractive than they had these previous weeks.

  New

  She thumbs through the book of necromancy. Pain spike, strangle, and poison strike have become a lot more attractive. Something needed to be punished.

  Tried too hard to indicate the passage of time. It just feels forced, so I took it out.
• Old

  She picks up supplies, walks into the forest, summons Reagent to her side, and vents her anger.

  New

  She packs some supplies and heads out with Reagent at her side. It was time to vent.

  Too many commas again. This was even a four segment sentence, rather than the usual three I go for when I do it.
• Old

  A poisonous cloud envelopes a fly, and it drops to the ground.

  New

  The noxious cloud leaves a fly no chance of escape, and it drops to the ground.

  I don't know anymore... just sounded dry.
• Old

  The harsher movements of the necro spells were what she needed. No fireballs today.

  New

  The harsh movements of the necro spells were satisfying. No fireballs today.

  Same.
• Old

  Flies, grasshoppers, snails- They all succumb to Melfina's necromancy.

  New

  Flies, grasshoppers, and snails all succumb to her fury.

  I think I was trying to hard to make it understood that she's killing things with necromancy. It just doesn't evoke feeling as strong as the new version.
• Old

  Birds sing overhead and a rabbit hops across her path.

  New

  Birds chirp away as a rabbit dashes across her path.

  "Sing" and "hop" were too plain.
• Old

  A fly disturbed by the rabbit's dash drops to the ground.

  New

  A fly caught up in the rabbit's wake becomes her next target.

  I didn't like the "drops to the ground" phrase.
• Old

  She turns, hoping for something to attack her. Instead she finds Stark.

  New

  She turns, hoping for something real to attack. Instead she finds Stark.

  I wanted to make the sentence sound more offensive rather than defensive.
• Old

  "Oh. Yeah. That was me," she answers while quickly hiding her hands behind her back, attempting to take attention away from the book of necromancy. It does the opposite.

  New

  "Oooh... yeah... that was me," she says, attempting to hide the book behind her back. Instead, the movement catches the paladin's eye.

  I guess this didn't need to be changed... but I like the new way better.
• Old

  The spell strikes the paladin, and he releases a cry of pain.

  New

  Stark arches backward and releases a cry of pain.

  Show, don't tell. Show what happened when the spell hit him, rather than say the spell hit him.
• Old

  The horde minion obeys.

  Stark slowly turns, the shock apparent on his face. "You said you were just going to read it. To study it."

  New

  Stark slowly turns as the horde minion runs past him to its master. "You said you were just going to read it. Just study it."

  I changed it because I didn't like the "shock apparent on his face" phrase. It just led to other changes.
• Old

  She was fearful of his anger. His pain was worse.

  New

  She had been afraid to see his anger, but seeing his pain was worse.

  Just didn't sound right.
• Old

  "You... I'm sorry, Stark. But the way you're always so... That's just stupid! Necromancy isn't evil. It can be used for evil, but so can a sword! That doesn't mean it can't be used for good!"

  New

  "You- I'm sorry, Stark. But the way you're always so- That's just stupid! Necromancy isn't evil. It can be used for evil, but so can a sword! That doesn't mean it can't be used for good!"

  Originally meant for it to be abrupt stops. The hypens fix it to how I wanted.
• Old

  "You... Stop..." She screamed. "This is hardly worth anything!" she says while shaking the book of necromancy in his face. "Do you have any idea how much more the Tome of Lost Knowledge is worth! I can't even come up with a number right now!"

  New

  "You- Stop-" She screamed. "This is hardly worth anything!" she says while shaking the book of necromancy in his face. "Do you have any idea how much more the Tome of Lost Knowledge is worth! I can't even come up with a number right now!"

  Same deal.