Enlightenment - Chapter XIII

January 14, 2009

• There we go. A chapter that only needed minor tweaks. Very nice to see.

• Old

  Red hair and black clothes, the thief checks to see the guard captain still watching him.

  New

  Red hair and black clothes, the thief checks to see the guard captain still watching.

  The sentence sounds better ending with "watching". It sounds more ominous and the "he" isn't needed to make it understood what Stark is watching.
• Old

  Melfina had just looked out her window, pretending to look out for Gamblor. The purpose was three-fold. It would tell him that she was still in her shop. It would trick him into thinking she didn't know he had yet arrived. And it would tell her exactly where he was.

  New

  Melfina had just looked out her window, pretending to look out for Gamblor, and pretending to think he hadn't arrived yet. The purpose was three-fold. It would tell him that she was still in her shop. It would trick him into thinking she didn't know he had yet arrived. And it would tell her exactly where he was.

  It seemed like the first sentence wasn't clear enough and was missing something, so I fixed that.
• Old

  She wasn't looking for him, she was looking for the signal.

  New

  She wasn't looking for him, she was looking for Stark's signal.

  I wanted to make it more explicit that it was Stark and Melfina teaming up together. Seems like connecting them together would connect the reader to the plan better as well.
• Old

  They had set up a code. He was to set a pail by the crystal well when Gamblor arrived. Stand it upright if Gamblor was on the west side of Draven's museum, upside down if he was on the south, and on its side if he was hiding by the House of Poison. If Gamblor had decided to wait right outside her doorway, the pail was to be on its side with water crystals spilled out of it.

  New

  They had set up a code. He was to set a pail by the crystal well when Gamblor arrived. Stand it upright if Gamblor was on the west side of Draven's museum, upside down if he was on the south, and on its side if he was hiding by the House of Poison. If Gamblor had decided to wait right outside her doorway, the pail was to be on its side with water crystals spilled out.

  The last sentence just sounded like it was two words too long.
• Old

  A man off to the south wildly waves his arms above his head, shouting something incomprehensible

  New

  A man off to the south wildly waves his arms above his head, shouting something incomprehensible.

  Left out a period.
• Old

  Another pair of strangers emerge from the forest edge, preparing spells to cast. A wall of stone appears between the pair of thieves and his guards, forcing the three to run around it.

  New

  Another pair of strangers emerge from the forest's edge, precasting spells. A wall of stone appears, blocking the guards pursuit, forcing them to run around.

  The first version was too technical. Better to describe what the wall did in terms of what was happening, rather than just describe where the wall was placed. It creates more action in the paragraph, while not taking away any of the information.
• Old

  As his guards round the walls edge, it dissolves, revealing the pulsing light of a gateway behind. The gateway vanishes as well, just as Nathan reaches it.

  New

  The guards round the wall's edge, and rush towards the revealed gateway. It, too, vanishes just as Nathan crosses the now empty space.

  The biggest change for this chapter. This was also too "instruction manual". Now each sentence is about the action that is happening, rather than just listing what is happening.
• Old

  Fool! Nathan could have done nothing, except make a stand surrounded and alone.

  New

  Fool! Nathan could have done nothing, had he made it through, except make a stand surrounded and alone.

  Wasn't clear enough.