Enlightenment - Chapter XII

July 19, 2009

• Did a lot of cleaning up of some pretty stale paragraphs.

• Old

  The horde minion produces small piles of mandrake root, spider's silk, and other reagents. "Good boy!" she exclaims. The pleased look on his face clears away the disappointment that had been building up inside the scribe.

  New

  The horde minion produces small piles of mandrake root, spider's silk, and other reagents. "Good boy!" she exclaims. The pleased look on his face melts away some of the disappointment inside her.

  That second sentence was just too long. And I like the use of "melt" better, because it's a more violent word.
• Old

  Again and again she casts the spell, trying to understand what was happening. Becoming more and more worried that she wouldn't figure it out at all. It was getting weaker.

  New

  Spike after spike is cast, teasing Melfina with its puzzle. Each time making her more anxious that she wouldn't ever figure it out. It was getting weaker.

  I see what I was going for with the repetition, but I don't like it anymore. Seems just like a cheap trick. Maybe in the right spot it would sound better, but not here.
• Old

  Crawling on the hem of her dress was her next target. It's too bad they can't survive the initial impact. No chance to observe the time it takes for the pain to subside. More confirmation on the accuracy of the necro book would always be welcome.

  New

  Crawling on the hem of her dress was her next target. It's too bad they can't survive the initial impact. It's supposed to wear off after a while. It never hurts to have more confirmation that this book does what it says it's supposed to do. But I have something more important to figure out first.

  Too many big words.
• Old

  She brought him along to carry extra reagents, then realized his roaming hands would get her some free supplies if she just let him roam around and do his thing. It wasn'ta lot, but it cost her nothing.

  New

  She brought him along to carry extra reagents, then it hit her that he could gather some free supplies for her if she just let him roam free and do his thing. It wouldn't be a lot, but it was free. And letting him indulge in what seemed to be a natural instinct to snatch and horde things seemed to make him happy.

  I think I was trying to fit in too much into one sentence. Splitting it up seems to work better and allows to add just a little bit of character to Reagent.
• Old

  Not ready to give up, she gives it another try. Or at least attempts to, but nothing happens. Not even the crackle of a fizzling spell. The crackle, was another common characteristic among both magery and necromancy spells.

  New

  She gives it another try. Or at least attempts to, but nothing happens. Not even the crackle of a fizzling spell. The crackle, was another common characteristic among both magery and necromancy spells.

  Just needed adjusting because of the change in the previous paragraph.
• Old

  Shadow wisp. She'd never seen a wisp in the wild before, but she'd read of them. They looked like floating balls of living blue light, usually found in forests or jungles. They were said to be harmless, curious creatures, but some travelers warn of their fickle nature, and would tell stories about lost travelers being lead to their deaths for trespassing into the wisp's domain. But that was just dumb. Why would you follow a creature that lives in the woods if you're trying to find your way out?

  New

  Shadow wisp. She'd never seen a wisp in the wild before, but she'd read of them. They looked like floating balls of living blue light, usually found in forests or jungles. They were said to be harmless, curious creatures, but some travelers warn of their fickle nature, and would tell stories about lost travelers looking for their way home, only to be lead to their deaths for trespassing into the wisp's domain. But that's just dumb. Why would you follow a creature that lives in the woods if you're trying to find your way out?

  I wasn't sure if it was quite clear what I was trying to say there, so I added a tiny bit. And it's probably important to have her think the dumb comment, rather than it being told specifically outside of her thoughts.
• Old

  Shadow wisps were a less common variety simply named due to their dark, almost black hue. Despite the ominous sounding name, they were actually more timid and less violent than their brighter cousins.

  New

  Shadow wisps were a less common variety, simply named due to their dark, almost black, hue. Despite the ominous sounding name, they were actually more timid and less violent than their brighter cousins.

  Missing some commas
• Old

  I wonder if that's an accurate metaphor for all of necromancy. The more I look into it, the stupider I feel for believing all the lies and exaggerations.

  New

  I wonder if that's an accurate metaphor for all of necromancy. The more I look into it, the stupider I feel for believing all the lies.

  Did I need her to be that specific? No, not really. And exaggerations are lies of scope and quantity and whatever else anyway.
• Old

  The scribe moves on to the death adder with the similar results. The vampire bat spell gives her the same.

  New

  The scribe moves on to the death adder with similar results. Vampire bat does the same.

  "Gives" makes sense, but I felt like it could work shorter, but I was confused as to why "does" seemed to make sense too. It took me a while that it makes sense in the context of the dark wolf spell failing. I think it definitely sounds better this way.
• Old

  She alternates between all three spells, determined to summon one more familiar before the day ends.

  New

  Wolf, adder, bat. She alternates between the three, determined to summon one of them before day's end.

  The other version sounded too technical.
• Old

  The howl of the horde minion interrupts her flow, a seeming echo of her frustration, just as the wisp gives her a gift of mana. The distraction brings the setting sun to her attention. Once more each, and I should get going.

  New

  The howl of the horde minion interrupts her flow, just as the wisp gifts her with mana. The distraction brings the setting sun to her attention. Once more each, and I should get going.

  Was trying to do too much. Too that echo part out with no harm at all to the paragraph.
• Old

  She takes a careful look and tries her hardest to will a bat to her side. The fizzling of her spell is the only result.

  New

  She takes a careful look and tries her hardest to will a bat to her side. It's not enough.

  Trying too hard to describe things in magical and ultima online terms. It works so much without that.
• Old

  The cloud dissipates, and there it is. The dark wolf. Half again as large as the largest dire wolf. It stands well above her waist. It stands proud, strong, and deadly. And its teeth are bared.

  New

  The cloud dissipates, and there it is. The dark wolf. Half again as large as the largest dire wolf. It stands well above her waist. Proud, strong, and deadly. And its teeth are bared.

  Didn't like that repetition.
• Old

  "I'm so sorry!" Melfina cries, and she rushes forward and locks Reagent in a hug as if she never meant to let go. Reagent stands still for a second, then to her surprise, hugs her back.

  New

  "I'm so sorry!" Melfina cries, and she rushes forward and locks Reagent in a hug so tight it seems as if she never means to let go. Reagent stands still for a second, then to her surprise, hugs her back.

  Seemed like the sentence was missing something.