Enlightenment - Chapter XII

January 14, 2009

• Lots of fixing because things were too wordy, or not clear enough. This chapter was about her taking a hands on study of necromancy and I wanted to make that much more clear.

• Old

  "In sar," says the scribe, and another ant spasms in pain, then dies.

  New

  "In sar," says the scribe, and another ant spasms and dies.

  That comma definitely puts a pause where I didn't want it. The "in pain" also has a similar drawback to the sentence. Most times when you spasm, you're in pain, so better to connect the words "spasm" and "die" quicker, so I took those out.
• Old

  Melfina feels the right mana loss, and the scent of vaporized grave dust and pig iron wafts into her nostrils. Both were typical characteristics of magery spells, but there was also... something else.

  New

  Melfina studies all the sensations the spell invokes. The drain of the mana loss, the hint of vaporized reagents, and... something else. Something new. Something that didn't happen with magery spells, and she was determined to understand what that was.

  I wanted to make it more explicit that she's studying necromancy.
• Old

  Another ant chosen among the scurrying ants and another ant steps its last step.

  New

  She picks out another ant, and it steps its last step.

  The original way was too... I can't think of the word... but I wanted it so it was clear that Melfina was doing it, and it wasn't just happening. I'm sure it was understood, but I just wanted to get that perspective across.
• Old

  And there it was again. An additional sensation. And it wasn't particular to this specific necromancy spell. She had managed to eventually cast wither earlier in the day, and while all the foliage nearby died to the cold blast, it was the same feeling that she felt now that accompanied it. It wasn't unpleasant... just different.

  New

  And there it was again. That additional sensation. It wasn't just tied to pain spikes either. She first felt it when she tried out wither, and accidentally killed all the nearby plants. It wasn't the cold from the spell. And it wasn't unpleasant. It was just different.

  She's studying one specific feeling, so "that" is a much stronger and more appropriate word to use here. The old version also used too many multi syllable words too close together. I also needed to get to the point right away when she first felt the feeling, rather than putting it at the end of a long sentence.
• Old

  Wither was impressive, but it was too mana intensive. The goal was to take as few breaks as possible. Pain spike uses the least amount of mana, so pain spike it was.

  New

  Wither was impressive, but it was too mana intensive, so it wouldn't be useful for her study. Pain spike used the least amount of mana, so pain spike it was.

  Again, I wanted to use clearer words that this is a study. The paragraph also flows better combining the first two sentences into one.
• Old

  Again and again she casts the spell, allowing the sensation to run through her before beginning anew. If she didn't figure it out soon, she might not figure it out at all. It was getting weaker.

  New

  Again and again she casts the spell, trying to understand what was happening. Becoming more and more worried that she wouldn't figure it out at all. It was getting weaker.

  Too wordy again.
• Old

  Crawling on the hem of her dress was her next target. It's too bad that they can't survive the initial impact. I could at least see for myself if the pain subsides somewhat after several seconds, she thinks as she brushes it off.

  New

  Crawling on the hem of her dress was her next target. It's too bad they can't survive the initial impact. No chance to observe the time it takes for the pain to subside. More confirmation on the accuracy of the necro book would always be welcome.

  I wanted her thoughts to have less regret in them. Instead of thinking about what she wishes she could have done instead of understanding that she can't do it.
• Old

  Not ready to give up, she gives it another try. Or at least attempts to, but nothing happens. Not even the crackle of a spell fizzling. That, too, was the same among both magery and necromancy spells.

  New

  Not ready to give up, she gives it another try. Or at least attempts to, but nothing happens. Not even the crackle of a fizzling spell. The crackle, was another common characteristic among both magery and necromancy spells.

  "fillling spell" sounds more like how she would think of it. The other way around sounds too technical. Also wanted to make it more clear that the crackle is what I'm talking about in the last sentence.
• Old

  Oh, she thinks as she makes a note in her book.

  A check of her pouch tells her why the spell failed.

  New

  She jots down a note, then makes a quick check of her pouch.

  The "Oh" is certainly too vague. It was meant to be like she just realized that she just conciously noticed that magery and necromancy spells had the same crackle sound when fizzling, but I don't think it comes that way at all.
• Old

  She had only brought him along to carry extra reagents, but it only made sense to let him roam free to do what he does. He didn't pick up a lot, but it cost her nothing.

  New

  She brought him along to carry extra reagents, then realized his roaming hands would get her some free supplies if she just let him roam around and do his thing. It wasn't a lot, but it cost her nothing.

  The old version wasn't quite right. If I wanted to stick with "but", I would have to make it say "to also let him". I decided to go with "then" instead.
• Old

  Shadow wisp. She'd never seen a wisp in the wild before, but she'd read of them. They looked like floating balls of living blue light, usually found in forests or jungles. They were said to be harmless, curious creatures, but some travelers warn of their fickle nature, which would lead lost travelers to their deaths for trespassing into their domain. But that was just dumb. Why would you follow a creature that lives in the woods if you're trying to find your way out?

  New

  Shadow wisp. She'd never seen a wisp in the wild before, but she'd read of them. They looked like floating balls of living blue light, usually found in forests or jungles. They were said to be harmless, curious creatures, but some travelers warn of their fickle nature, and would tell stories about lost travelers being lead to their deaths for trespassing into the wisp's domain. But that was just dumb. Why would you follow a creature that lives in the woods if you're trying to find your way out?

  The first version tried making it sound like the wisp's fickle nature was doing the leading, but with this read through, I don't it works. So I changed it.
• Old

  I wonder if many areas of necromancy fall under similar misconceptions.

  New

  I wonder if that's an accurate metaphor for all of necromancy. The more I look into it, the stupider I feel for believing all the lies and exaggerations. Again, too wordy. Sure Melfina thinks with an analytic mind, but it was still too wordy.

• Old

  It was especially impressive that necromancers had found a way to summon and control them since none of the great tamers, past or present, had ever found success in taming one.

  New

  It was especially impressive that necromancers had found a way to summon and control them, since none of the great tamers, past or present, had ever found success.

  Unecessary words.
• Old

  But it quickly becomes apparent that the wisp is toying with him, as it constantly hovers just within reach, only to pull away before getting caught. The scribe fully calms when Reagent loses interest.

  New

  It quickly becomes apparent that the wisp is toying with him, as it constantly hovers just within reach, only to pull away before getting caught. Reagent loses interest, and the scribe calms down.

  There is no reason for the "but" to be there. I also felt like it would read better to have the reason why she calmed down, before her reaction.
• Old

  Oh! I forgot about you guys! Luckily, the spell seems to have had no effect on her familiars. Good to know, but I'll have to test it.

  New

  She realizes her mistake by casting that area effect spell, when Regent moves in the corner of her eye. She quickly looks him over to see any signs of harm, then sighs with relief when she doesn't see any. "I'm so sorry! But you're a tough little guy aren't you," she says with a quick rub of his head. Something I might want to test again later, just to make sure. she thinks as she writes it down.

  The paragraph needed more threat here. It was something she was worried about, so it should come out in the paragraph, since not much has really happened yet in terms of action.
• Old

  "I'd say that was a success, wouldn't you Reagent?"

  New

  "I'd say that was a success, wouldn't you, Reagent?"

  Missing a comma.