Enlightenment - Chapter IX

July 18, 2009

• Mostly typos, with one case of forgotten words, and some slight cleaning up.

• Old

  The door opens and thoughts scatter as Edwin enters. Stark stares at him, knowing the question he wants to ask, and knowing Edwin already knows the answer. The guard mouth shuts under his captains stare, he turns around and walks back outside.

  New

  The door opens and thoughts scatter as Edwin enters. Stark stares at him, knowing the question he wants to ask, with Edwin already knowing the answer. The guard's mouth shuts under his captain's stare, and he turns around and walks back outside.

  Too many "knows" and some typos.
• Old

  "Very good Father. The initial West Luna Guard will be filled out by tomorrow."

  New

  "Very good, Father. The initial West Luna Guard will be filled out by tomorrow."

  Comma typo.
• Old

  "Yes Father."

  New

  "Yes, Father."

  Comma typo.
• Old

  "You're a good man. And were an excellent guard. I asked about you," "It didn't take long to conclude that Captain Jerard laid more blame on you than he should have." The High Father stops, and looks Stark in the eyes. "He was within his right, but what he did was still wrong. I've advised the Archduke of the situation, and he agrees with me. While your ex-captain has not been punished, your punishment has been revoked. You are free to return to the Luna Guard as you wish, promoted to the rank of Captain, as is proper for a man of your experience and skill."

  New

  "You're a good man. And were an excellent guard. I asked about you," he says. "It didn't take long to conclude that Captain Jerard laid more blame on you than he should have." The High Father stops, and looks Stark in the eyes. "He was within his right, but what he did was still wrong. I've advised the Archduke of the situation, and he agrees with me. While your ex-captain has not been punished, your punishment has been revoked. You are free to return to the Luna Guard as you wish, promoted to the rank of Captain, as is proper for a man of your experience and skill."

  Typo.
• Old

  "Thank you, sir," Stark managed to say. The shame he didn't even know he carried with him was lifted. "But I made my promise to Lord Luna. I'm needed here."

  New

  "Thank you, sir," Stark manages to say. The shame he didn't even know he carried with him was lifted. "But I made my promise to Lord Luna. I'm needed here."

  Tense.
• Old

  "Thank you, sir," Stark managed to say. The shame he didn't even know he carried with him was lifted. "But I made my promise to Lord Luna. I'm needed here."

  New

  "Thank you, Father," Stark managed to say. The shame he didn't even know he carried with him was lifted. "But I made my promise to Lord Luna. I'm needed here."

  I don't think Stark would address him with anything other than "Father."
• Old

  The High Father considers the young paladin, then said, "Very well."

  New

  The High Father considers the young paladin, then says, "Very well."

  Tense.
• Old

  "Yes, yes. We've been through this before. I know you. I know you won't change. You want to share it all. Everyone should have access to the knowledge. Yet you won't let me near your cabinet. Not last time. And not now."

  New

  "Yes, yes. We've been through this before. I know you. I know you won't change. You want to share it all. Everyone should have access to the knowledge... and yet you won't let me near your cabinet. Not last time. And not now."

  The new way reflects how I intended it to be read.