Enlightenment - Chapter IX

January 10, 2009

• This was another huge rewrite. Lots of problems with tense, and paragraphs that needed to be reworked because they weren't clear enough. I really hope the rest of the chapters don't need this much work when I review them.

• Old

  Stark watches as this second wave of potential guards pair up and walk out the door. The warm scent of darksage tea stimulates his thoughts as he rolls them through his mind one at a time. Cadence had a good eye, and it would be hard narrowing his choices to fill out his remaining four open slots for West Luna's Guard.

  He's only known them for a few hours, so he didn't know them. A day wasn't long enough to get to know them. But neither would two, or three. A day would have to be enough.

  New

  Stark watches as the new group of potential guards pair up and walk out the door. The bitter scent of darksage tea stimulates his thoughts as his thoughts examine his options. Cadence had a good eye, and it would be difficult narrowing them down to four. A day wasn't long enough to get a true sense of their full potential, but neither would two or three. A day would have to be enough.

  Some bland words were replaced, and it was made less wordy, and more clear. The "he rolls them through his mind" part didn't really make much sense to me this read through.
• Old

  The young one had potential. He was a little brash and cocky, but he did have the skills. And everyone seemed to like him. If done well, guarding West Luna would show little action. Many people who attempted to be guards eventually became bored and lost interest. As the initial euphoria of being selected wore off, it would be beneficial to have Guards who would boost morale as he himself would not be able to. He would be good, as long as his brashness didn't lead to recklessness.

  New

  The young one had potential. He was a little brash and cocky, but he did have the skills. And everyone seemed to like him. If done well, a successful guard would minimize conflict. There would be little action to be had, and the ones expecting glory and battle instead found themselves bored and unsatisfied. A bored guard was an inattentive guard, and that wouldn't do. So it would be good to have the young one around to keep morale up as the initial euphoria of becoming a guard wore off. He would be good, as long as his brashness didn't lead to recklessness.

  I didn't like the "show little action" part, so rewrote this paragraph.
• Old

  The door opens, thoughts scatter, and Edwin enters. Stark stares, and Edwin shuts his mouth before saying a word. He turns around and walks back outside.

  New

  The door opens and thoughts scatter as Edwin enters. Stark stares at him, knowing the question he wants to ask, and knowing Edwin already knows the answer. The guard mouth shuts under his captains stare, he turns around and walks back outside.

  This paragraph did not come off as clear as it was in my head. Definitely needed to have more to it. And while I do the two comma thing in a lot of my chapters, it didn't seem to properly fit right there.
• Old

  There's a loud one. Well... opinionated One that had already made it through. He also had a temper when it came to his size. He was also good with a bow. More than good. Size has no meaning an arrow's distance away. And he was more than adequate in other areas as well. Hopefully Alan's quiet nature would help bring him balance. They immediately bonded as soon, and acted as if they were brothers, despite Alan having almost Stone's size.

  New

  There's a loud one, he thinks. Well... opinionated He also had a temper when it came to his size. But he was good with a bow. More than good. Size has no meaning an arrow's distance away. And he was more than adequate in other areas as well. Hopefully Alan's quiet nature would help bring him balance. They immediately bonded, and treated each other like brothers, despite Alan almost having Stone's size.

  Another case of changing thoughts mid sentence, and then somehow missing it even with more than one read through.
• Old

  Stark looked at the doorway and wondered if any of the other Guards were going to walk through. They were all so eager to be a part of choosing who would be joining them. Something Stark couldn't allow.

  New

  Stark looks at the doorway and wonders if any of the other guards were going to walk through. They were all so eager to participate in the choosing. Something Stark couldn't allow.

  Problem with tenses, and shortened a wordy sentence. Although un-capitalized the "Guards". I've been capitalizing it too much. I want to make it a proper noun only when it's referring to the Guard as a whole, but not when referring to their job position.
• Old

  These new potentials to the Guard, and the five already chosen, needed to be on equal footing amongst each other. They were all proud of their skills. They were all proud of being selected, and he could see that the current Guards felt superior, simply for being the first chosen. They had a look in their eyes and a way they held themselves. If they participated in the selection, it would only widen the gap.

  New

  These new potentials to the Guard, and the five already chosen, needed to be on equal footing with each other. They were all proud of their skills. They were all proud of being selected, and he could see that the current guards felt superior, simply for being the first chosen. They had a look in their eyes and a way they held themselves. If they were involved in the selection, it would only widen the gap.

  This time wanted a simpler word in "with" to make the sentence flow better. Also applied the "Guards" rule that I just mentioned in the change above. And since I added the word "participate" in the change above this one, I didn't want to use the same word here.
• Old

  All of them asked to help in the choosing, except for Bear. He never asked to be a part of the choosing. Not even a hint. It wasn't a lack of interest through uncaring or grief from the loss of his family to the plague. It was just simple trust in his captain.

  New

  They all had asked, except for Bear. He didn't leave so much as a hint. He wasn't distracted or uninterested, and grief due to the loss of his family wasn't overwhelming him. He simply trusted his captain.

  The sentences were too brief here and too seperated. Sometimes I like that, but it didn't seem to fit here.
• Old

  Stark finished his tea, got up, and stepped outside. He closed his eyes and listened for his Guards, and for the potential recruits. He heard nothing.

  New

  Stark finishes his tea, gets up, and steps outside. He closes his eyes and listens. Silence is the response.

  Problems with tense, and the last sentence was too bland.
• Old

  They were patroling the surrounding area.

  New

  They were patroling as they were supposed to.

  "the surrounding area" was too literal. Sure it states what's happening, but the sentence would even still work if I took out those words completely. They didn't add anything to the sentence.
• Old

  The comforting sounds of a gentle spring day were interrupted by the sound of someone recalling in. Stark moved. The potentials still needed time to learn the surrounding area, so he had time to see to this.

  New

  The comforting sounds of a gentle spring day were interrupted by the sound of someone recalling in. Stark moves. The potentials still needed time to learn the area before the evaluations continued, so he had time to address this.

  The last sentence didn't give enough info, so I had to add the "before the evaluations continued".
• Old

  A few more steps, and the dazzling white robes of the High Father entered his view. Stark quickened his step.

  New

  A few more steps, and the dazzling white robes of the High Father enters his view. Stark quickens his step.

  Tenses.
• Old

  Stark bows again. "Follow me," he replies, and the High Father does so.

  New

  Stark bows again. "Follow me," he replies.

  Took out unecessary words. Adding something like that seems to work only when it's emphasizing something important, or helping to illustratea theme, but here it was just extra baggage.
• Old

  "Very good father. The final selection for the initial West Luna Guard will be finalized by tomorrow."

  New

  "Very good Father. The initial West Luna Guard will be filled out by tomorrow."

  Missing a capitalization, and the speech seemed to wordy to be speech, even with as formal as Stark can sometimes be.
• Old

  Stark remained silent.

  New

  Stark remains silent.

  Tense.
• Old

  "Nothing to say?"

  New

  "So you agree with your dismissal."

  The first version could come off as more accusatory than I wanted. This way it makes it more like Wayland is interpreting his silence. (Wrong, of course, and an purpose, to get a reaction from Stark.)
• Old

  Stark still said nothing.

  New

  Stark still says nothing.

  Tense.
• Old

  The High Father nods. "You're a good man. You still won't speak up against your former captain despite disagreeing with his decision. Because he was within his rights to do what he did."

  New

  The High Father nods. "As I thought. You won't speak up against your Captain, even though you're no longer a Guard. Loyal to a fault."

  "Not to him. Luna and its Guard. He had the authority to do what he did."

  Wayland took too much of a stance on what happened to Stark here. I needed Stark to say what he accepts, not have it told to him. Especially since Wayland is soon going to say that he thinks what happened to him was wrong.
• Old

  "You're a good man. And were an excellent guard. I asked about you."

  "It didn't take long to conclude that Captain Jerard laid more blame on you than he should have." The High Father stops, and looks Stark in the eyes. "He was within his right, but what he did was still wrong. I've advised the Archduke of the situation, and he agrees with me. While your ex-captain has not been punished, your punishment has been revoked. You are free to return to the Luna Guard as you wish, promoted to the rank of Captain, as is proper for a man of your experience and skill."

  New

  "You're a good man. And were an excellent guard. I asked about you. It didn't take long to conclude that Captain Jerard laid more blame on you than he should have." The High Father stops, and looks Stark in the eyes. "He was within his right, but what he did was still wrong. I've advised the Archduke of the situation, and he agrees with me. While your ex-captain has not been punished, your punishment has been revoked. You are free to return to the Luna Guard as you wish, promoted to the rank of Captain, as is proper for a man of your experience and skill."

  Combined the paragraphs. Just makes more sense that way.
• Old

  "Thank you, sir," Stark managed to say. The shame he didn't even know he felt was lifted. "But I made my promise to Lord Luna. I'm needed here."

  New

  "Thank you, sir," Stark managed to say. The shame he didn't even know he carried with him was lifted. "But I made my promise to Lord Luna. I'm needed here."

  Show, not tell. "Felt" was too plain of a word, and "carried with him" works very nicely with "lifed".
• Old

  The High Father looked at him for a few seconds and then said, "Very well."

  New

  The High Father considers the young paladin, then said, "Very well."

  "considers" beautifully describes what it took me six words originally.
• Old

  The pair appear in the library, and Stark clears his throat and announces, "Melfina, the High Father is here to see you."

  New

  Stark clears his throat as they appear in the library, and announces, "Melfina, the High Father is here to see you."

  I seem to do this a lot. The way I wrote it originally made the appearing and clearing of his throat seem like two seperate actions, when it works nicer as one.
• Old

  After a few moments Melfina puts down her quill. She looks up and sees the carefully wrapped books in the High Father's hands. As she gets up she asks, "When will you be done with the rest?"

  New

  A few moments pass, and Melfina puts down her quill. She looks up and sees the carefully wrapped books in the High Father's hands. She asks, "When will you be done with the rest?" as she gets up.

  The words are just rearranged for the most part, but they do a lot in making it read more "in the moment".
• Old

  Melfina was always in a bad mood whenever the High Father was around, or even mentioned, and Stark still didn't know why, but he did see her mood lighten at the compliment.

  New

  Stark didn't understand why Melfina was always in a bad mood whenever the High Father was simply mentioned, and now he was here in person, but he did see her mood lighten at the compliment.

  The rearrangement makes it more in Stark's point of view, which this chapter is missing a lot of.
• Old

  "I'll take those," she says curtly, and shocking Stark with the way she snatches the books away from the High Father. "I said wait here."

  New

  "I'll take those," she says curtly, shocking Stark as she snatches the books away from the High Father. He takes a step forward to follow and she snaps, "I said wait here!"

  Grammatical error and the paragraph was missing what happened to make yell insist that Wayland waits.
• Old

  No one ever treated the High Father this way, yet he showed little reaction.

  The High Father leans as if he is about to take another step as soon as Melfina turns around, but she stands and stares back until she's sure he won't follow. Only then does she retrieve the book.

  New

  No one ever treated the High Father this way, yet he hardly reacts. He just waits, ready to follow Melfina to the rare books while Melfina refuses to move and defiantly glares back. Neither speaks a word until a subtle shift of the High Father's posture indicates that the merchant vendor has won this wordless arguement. Only then, does she retrieve the book for him.

  A problem with tense, and the paragraph didn't show enough tension. Fixed both problems.
• Old

  "Thank you Melfina," he nods, "You are very generous with your books."

  New

  She returns with the volume in hand. "Thank you Melfina," he nods, "You are very generous with your books."

  Wanted to make this more clear. I think it would have worked without this sentence, just a simple connect the dots, but wanted less dots for the readers to have to connect here.
• Old

  "Yes, yes. We've been through this before. I know you. I know you won't change. You want to share it all. Everyone should have access to the knowledge. Yet you won't let me near your cabinet. Not before. And not now."

  New

  "Yes, yes. We've been through this before. I know you. I know you won't change. You want to share it all. Everyone should have access to the knowledge. Yet you won't let me near your cabinet. Not last time. And not now."

  This also needed to be cleared up, just a tad. It's been a long time since Wayland made his last appearance.