Enlightenment - Chapter VII

July 18, 2009

• Five small grammar fixes. Nothing really important.

• Old

  It has to be wrong. What kind of spell doesn't need a mana focus or reagents? She didn't sense any resonance in the book, even though the vendor assured her that was all she needed. The spell used mana at least, but it reaches out for the lingering mana in a dead body that was still… fresh. The spell only used the mana produced by the caster if no lingering mana was within reach.

  New

  It has to be wrong. What kind of spell doesn't need a mana focus or reagents? She didn't sense any resonance in the book, even though the vendor assured her that was all she needed. The spell used mana at least, but it consumed the residual mana that clung to newly dead bodies. Only if there was no residual mana at hand, would the spell consume mana produced by the caster.

  Much better. On my re-read, it just didn't sound right. Residual seemed to come out more naturally, and since it sounds better, that's what I put in.
• Old

  But it did use mana. So it was a spell. A spell like she'd never heard of. It also had multiple effects produced from the one set of words and motions. And for that reason a whole dicipline was based off of this one spell. It would heal the body and summon the spirts of the dead. It would allow communication with that dead soul.

  New

  But it did use mana. So it was a spell. A spell like she'd never heard of. It also had multiple effects produced from the one set of words and motions. And for that reason an entire dicipline was based off of this one spell. It would heal the body and summon the spirts of the dead. It would allow communication with that dead soul.

  "Whole" sounded to singular, so I changed it to "entire" to emphasize why she is puzzled/amazed.
• Old

  "Anh mi sah ko," she chants again. She didn't get nothing as expected.

  New

  "Anh mi sah ko," she chants again. This time there was much more than nothing.

  The double negative sounded odd.
• Old

  The translucent shape of a man fades into view, fully formed, lacking any color but a sickly white.

  New

  A translucent figure a man appears before her, fully formed, lacking any color but a sickly white.

  Fading implies disappearing, and the exact opposite of what's happening.
• Old

  An actual physical transformation and not just an illusion! Why would I want to tranform my body into that!

  New

  It's not just an illusion! Why would I want to tranform my body into that!

  The thought was just too long to feel natural.