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December 31, 2008
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Old
Again. Nothing.
New
Nothing. Again.
Makes more sense switched around.
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Old
She continued repeating the motions and saying the words as she walked down the road.
Walking was supposed to help. The road started at Luna, and if she continued on long enough, it would reach
the bridge to Umbra. Grass intruded through the cracks along the edges, but at least it was still nice and
smooth.
New
She continues repeating the motions and saying the words as she walks down the road.
Walking was supposed to help. The road started at Luna, and if she continued on long enough, it would reach
the bridge to Umbra. Grass intruded through the cracks along the edges, but at least it was still nice and
smooth.
Wrong tenses
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Old
It was fun though, watching him ambush the recruits. He told her the first day was to test their awareness of
other people, so he threw eggs at them if he could catch them off guard. They did much better the second day,
but they didn’t know the eggs were just a distraction for a different test that day. He would
assemble or break down a pile of rocks, or move some fallen branches, or make other changes to the
surroundings after the recruits passed by. If they didn't notice the changes on their returned,
they failed.
New
It was fun though, watching him ambush the recruits. He told her the first day was to test their awareness of
other people, so he threw eggs at them to see if he could catch them off guard. They did much better
the second day, but they didn’t know the eggs were just a distraction for a different test. He would
assemble or break down a pile of rocks, or move some fallen branches, or change other aspects of their
surroundings. If they didn't notice the changes on their return, they failed.
Missing words, unnecessary words, typo, and too wordy.
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Old
It has to be wrong. What kind of spell doesn't need a mana focus or reagents? But she didn't
sense any resonance in the book, and the vendor assured her that was all she needed. The spell used
mana at least, but it reaches out for the lingering mana in a dead body that was still… fresh. The spell only
used the mana produced by the caster if no lingering mana was within reach.
New
It has to be wrong. What kind of spell doesn't need a mana focus or reagents? She didn't sense any
resonance in the book, even though the vendor assured her that was all she needed. The spell used
mana at least, but it reaches out for the lingering mana in a dead body that was still… fresh. The spell only
used the mana produced by the caster if no lingering mana was within reach.
The third sentence was confusing. With that wording, the sentence would have to be flipped. I chose to keep
it the same, unflipped way, instead and change the "but" and "and".
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Old
The translucent shape of a man faded into view, fully formed, but lacked any color was only a sickly
white.
New
The translucent shape of a man fades into view, fully formed, lacking any color but a sickly
white.
First of all, the old version was missing an "and", but the ghost can't lack color and be white. Doesn't make
sense. So it got fixed.
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Old
"OooOOo…llllp me! Help me!" it said as it frantically flailed its arms. Her slight jump mid-step
encouraged him to go on. "You can see me! You can see me! You have to help! There isn't much time!"
New
"OooOOo…llllp me! Help me!" it said as it frantically flails its arms. Her slight jump
encourages him to go on. "You can see me! You can see me! You have to help! There isn't much
time!"
Wrong tenses.
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Old
She runs after the ghost until they reach his body. It looks as if it was frozen mid-fall, held up by the
bush beneath, eyes wide with fright. A knife sticks menacingly from his back. Something had gotten to the
body afterwards as it was obviously partially eaten, but the noise she had made must have scared it away.
New
She runs after the ghost until they reach his body. It lies limp on top of a bush, eyes wide with fright,
knife in its back. Something had gotten to the body afterwards as it was obviously partially eaten, but
the noise she had made must have scared it away.
I was never happy with that first wording. And the word freeze might make people think "ice" frozen, and not
"still" frozen. And well... a knife sticking out of a back is menacing by default. No reason for repetition
by implication.
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Old
"There's no time to lead you to you my house, so deposit the key into my account. We share it. I'm
Forrester. My wife's Sabrina. Leave a note telling her what happened. Let her know that I love her, and that
I'm sorry, and tell her that the key is for a chest in The Great Storehouse by Cove. She doesn't know about my
full inheritance. Leave your name on the note. I'm sure she'll thank you."
New
"There's no time to lead you to my house, so deposit the key into my account. We share it. I'm Forrester.
My wife's Sabrina. Leave a note telling her what happened. Let her know that I love her, and that I'm sorry,
and tell her that the key is for a chest in The Great Storehouse by Cove. She doesn't know about my full
inheritance. Leave your name on the note. I'm sure she'll thank you."
Extra, undeleted word.
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Old
He voice faded away and then he disappeared.
New
His voice fades away and he vanishes.
Wrong tenses.
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Old
Melfina pauses a moment as she stares at his body. She then reaches into his pockets and finds the key and
sits down and leans against a nearby tree to write down the notes on the whole experience. No point in hurrying
now. She couldn’t do anything more.
New
Melfina pauses a moment as she stares at his body, then reaches into his pockets and finds the key. She
sits and leans on the nearest tree and writes everything down. No point in hurrying now, she couldn't do
anything else for him but deliver the key.
I didn't like the lack of action in that first sentence, so I combined it with part of the next sentence. The
rest of that second sentence was also too wordy, and the last part felt empty.
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Old
A physical transformation! Not an illusion! Why would I want to tranform my body
into that!
New
An actual physical transformation and not just an illusion! Why would I want
to tranform my body into that!
Too many exclamation points, and I felt like I didn't express it right. This one also always bothered me. Much
better now.
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Old
She drops the book on the ground, disappointed that it has let her down. When she looks down at it, she
sees that the pages have settled down onto a different spell.
New
She drops the book, disappointment on her face. When she looks down, ready to pick it up and wipe off any
dirt and grime that might have gotten onto it, she sees the pages have settled down onto a different spell.
The first sentence was again too wordy. And while it made sense in my head the first time I wrote it, I needed
to address that Melfina might have ruined a book. That's not something she'd usually do.
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Some messy paragraphs that I always felt weren't exactly right. Better now. Too many mistakes with tenses
though. I don't know how that many got past me.
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