Enlightenment - Chapter VI

July 18, 2009

• Lots of small tweaks that change the meanings of the sentences, with some simple cleaning up.

• Old

  Stark's opponent was strong, but not very fast. He could parry the swings of the war axe without too much effort, or dodge them altogether. He also paced himself, and was cautious enough to try to wait for the right moment.

  New

  Stark's opponent was strong, but not very fast. His swings were slow enough that Stark could parry them with little effort, or dodge them altogether. But he wasn't being reckless, and was waiting for the right moment against the more skilled paladin.

  Pronouns making things unclear. I just decided to rewrite it because even I didn't really know what I meant to say there.
• Old

  They watched him to evaluate their future captain. To discover if he is worthy of them.

  New

  They watched him to evaluate their future captain. To discover if he was worthy of them.

  Keeping the tenses straight.
• Old

  He was older than Stark. A lot of them were. Being a paladin gave him some respect, but he was still young. He knew plenty of them felt more experienced and more knowledgeable than him just out of habit. But now they've all seen that he is at least better than them when it comes to skill at arms.

  New

  He was older than Stark. A lot of them were. Being a paladin gave him some respect, but he was still young. He knew plenty of them felt more experienced and more knowledgeable than him just out of habit. But at least now they all know he can beat each of them, one on one.

  Shorter and more concise is better. Less clunky.
• Old

  "And good service you shall give. This isn't Luna. There are no walls of stone telling you where the boundaries are. You will be West Luna's walls. You will look beyond West Luna's boundaries for potential threats. The goal is to deter, and not engage. Combat is a last resort."

  New

  "And good service you shall give. This isn't Luna. There are no walls of stone telling you where the boundaries are. You will be West Luna's walls. You will become it's boundary that defends against whatever threats may come. The primary goal is to deter, and not engage. Combat is a last resort."

  That line's always bothered me a bit. It's just too long winded for his speech.
• Old

  The table was covered with food. Fresh meat, rolls of bread, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs, fresh fruit, and wine and ale catered to make all of their mouths water.

  New

  The table was covered with food. Fresh meat, rolls of bread, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs, fresh fruit, and wine and ale, all catered to make their mouths water.

  Definitely needed that comma added after "ale", and tweaked to sound better.
• Old

  Stark didn't catch the names of the others, but they all seemed to get along well. They would need to. The one in the back didn't talk much, but he wasn't rude, just quiet. The oldest one was the only one of the bunch who had been an actual city guard. He was away from Trinsic when the plague hit. It was under quarantine but learned his wife and child had been killed, and he had nothing to go back to. He couldn't seek revenge against a disease, so he needed work to fill his mind. Stark understood.

  New

  Bear was the oldest, and the only one who had been an actual city guard. He was away from Trinsic when the plague hit. It was under quarantine but he was able to learn that his wife and child had died, and he had nothing to go back to. He couldn't seek revenge against a disease, so he needed work to fill his mind. Stark understood.

  Stark didn't catch the names of the others, but they all seemed to get along well. They would need to.

  The paragraph was missing some words. Bear definitely needed to be named here, and I switched "killed" to "died" because killed makes it seem like a person was the cause of death, even though it doesn't technically mean that. Since I had to name Bear, I had to split up the paragraph, and unfortunately take out the line about the quiet guy. I liked that line, but it doesn't really fit anywhere anymore.
• Old

  As satisfied sighs filled the air, Stark took them outside.

  New

  After satisfied sighs filled the air, Stark took them outside.

  Makes more sense that he let them finish sighing, and not that he took them outside while they were still sighing.
• Old

  Stark went back inside and waited until Lord Luna walked through the doorway. Lord Luna did not ask to be saluted, but he stood.

  New

  Stark went back inside and waited until Lord Luna walked through the doorway. Stark stood and bowed.

  I don't really know what I was going for there. Lord Luna is trying to build himself up, why would he refuse the accepted proprieties of bowing to a lord.
• Old

  Stark picked up a basket of eggs and grins.

  New

  Stark picked up a basket of eggs and allows a smile to touch his lips.

  Stark wouldn't be so informal with his lord. I had to tone it down.