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December 31, 2008
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Old
They exchanged blows in the clearing in front of Lord Luna's manor, while all the potential guards
talks in lower whispers as they watched on. They watched the big man to size up their competition.
They knew places were limited and so compared the big man's skills against their own.
New
They exchanged blows in the clearing in front of Lord Luna's manor, while the potential guards whisper to
each other as they watched on. They watched the big man to size up their competition. They knew places
were limited and so compared the big man's skills against their own.
Combine two things that mean the same thing, whispering and talking in a low voice, and add in some grammatical
mistakes and typos, and you get this paragarph.
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Old
The big man used a war axe. They were allowed to fight him with their weapon of choice. They would learn the
standard weapons eventually, but he needed to see them as they were. This time the war axe raised, but
didn't drop. The big man charged with his shield instead. Good. He's adjusting. He'll do.
New
The big man used a war axe. They were allowed to fight him with their weapon of choice. They would learn the
standard weapons eventually, but he needed to see them as they were. The big man feined a swing, then
crashed into Stark with his shield instead. Stark managed to dodge the follow up swing and regain his footing.
He'll do.
That was a terrible paragraph. I'm not an expert in fighting with medieval weapons. And this paragraphed showed
it. This is the worst change that I had to make by far. Making the paragraph less specific makes it sound like
I know what I'm doing. I'm going to have to watch out for that again in the future. This is certainly a mistake
I don't want to make again.
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Old
The cloud of competition dissipated disappeared, and they all gladly served themselves and talked.
Not with Stark, they were all still wary of the power he held over them, but they didn't hold back from each
other.
New
The cloud of competition dissipated, and they all gladly served themselves and talked. Not with Stark, they were
all still wary of the power he held over them, but they didn't hold back from each other.
The right word doesn't always come with the first go, and I think I just forgot to delete the "disappeared"
after I found the better "dissipated".
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Old
The big man was Stone, the short one was Edwin. An ex-bodyguard who's previous employer recently died of old
age named Loren, and a tracker named Warren.
New
The big man was Stone, the short one was Edwin. There was an ex-bodyguard who's previous employer
recently died of old age named Loren, and a tracker named Warren.
Sometimes sentences need to be complete. I write too many incomplete sentences as part of the style, and this
time it was confusing because of it. Well, now it's fixed.
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Old
Stark didn't catch the names of the others, but they all seemed to get along well. They would need to. The
one in the back didn't talk much, but he wasn't rude, just quiet. The oldest one was the only one of the bunch
who had been an actual city guard. He was away from Trinsic when the plague hit. It was under quarantine but
learned his wife and killed and he had nothing to go back to. He couldn't seek revenge against
disease, so he needed work to fill his mind. Stark understood.
New
Stark didn't catch the names of the others, but they all seemed to get along well. They would need to. The
one in the back didn't talk much, but he wasn't rude, just quiet. The oldest one was the only one of the bunch
who had been an actual city guard. He was away from Trinsic when the plague hit. It was under quarantine but
learned his wife and child had been killed, and he had nothing to go back to. He couldn't seek revenge
against adisease, so he needed work to fill his mind. Stark understood.
Oops. Left out some essential words there.
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Old
"Pair up. I've pointed out West Luna to you. Take a closer look and become familiar with the area. Walk
beyond as well so you know what's out there. The neighbors have been informed about this new hiring so will
not be alarmed. Stay in pairs, and only in pairs. This isn't time to cluster together and make small talk.
This is time to learn. Some talk is ok, but pay attention and keep alert."
New
"Pair up. I've pointed out West Luna to you. Take a closer look and become familiar with the area. Walk
beyond as well so you know what's out there. The neighbors have been informed about this new hiring, so will
not be alarmed. Stay in pairs, and only in pairs. This isn't time to cluster together and make small talk.
This is time to learn. Some talk is ok, but pay attention and keep alert."
Added a comma
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Old
Stark picks up basket of eggs and grins.
New
Stark picked up a basket of eggs and grins.
Sure I left out the "a" but the more interesting change is "picks" to "picked". For some reason this entire
chapter is written in the past tense, when I've been writing all the other chapters in the present tense. At
least that's what I've been trying to do. I find myself tending to write in the past tense, and then having to
re-write the chapter in the present tense to try to keep consistent.
As a side note, a quick google search led me to an
article by Grammar Girl saying that
fiction novels tend to be written in the past tense, while short stories tend to be written in the present tense.
I don't know why I chose to write it all in the present tense, but I found that pretty interesting.
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Old
Things are going well. The limitations of West Luna force me to adapt the techniques used in my own training,
and come up with my own. I can do this.
New
Things are going well. The limitations of West Luna force me to adapt the techniques used in my own training,
and come up with something new. I can do this.
I didn't like the repetition of using the word "own" here. Easy to fix since I was fixing everything else.
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Besides the terrible paragraph, it wasn't all that bad. But of course, including the terrible paragaph, it
makes me incredibly glad I'm doing these revisions.
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