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July 9, 2009
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Lots of small changes.
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Old
"Maybe you should leave earlier in the day next time, especially if you only go once a month," he says,
doubt clearly in his voice.
New
"Maybe you should leave earlier in the day next time, especially if you only go once a month," he says full
of skepticism.
Doubt was definitely not the right word I was going for.
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Old
"Father!" Stark says.
New
"Father, I'm sure-" Stark tries to interject, but is cut off by a raised hand from the High Father.
Stark's protest was too direct of a challenge. I needed to tone it down a bit.
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Old
The paladin is appalled at what's happening, but it's obvious he doesn't know the history between the
two. The time isn't right to ask the right questions, but perhaps he could offer them the
right answer.
New
Appalled at the confrontation, Stark knows not isn't the right time for questions, but perhaps he
could offer the right answer.
If it's obvious... then I don't need to write it. So I took it out.
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Old
She cleans her hands, opens her cabinet of rare books, and spreads them out on the desk.
New
She cleans her hands, opens her rare book cabinet, and spreads them before the High Father.
Just look. Minor changes.
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Old
Melfina glares at the holy mage, but knows she can't resist talking. "The owner had only added it to his
collection a week before I arrived. But he quickly decided it was excessive and didn't add anything worthwhile
to his collection, so he gave it to me for free."
New
Melfina glares at the holy mage, but knows she can't resist talking. "The owner had only added it to his
collection a week before I arrived. But he quickly decided it was excessive, so he gave it to me for free."
Deleted the repetition.
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Old
"It's your property. To do with as you will," he concedes.
New
"It's your property. To do with as you will," he gives in.
It sounded too formal.
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