Enlightenment - Chapter I

July 27, 2009

• Revised a paragraph in the beginning and at the end that I had just revised during the 1.50 revision. I just didn't take a careful look at what I wrote. The other change was changing "beach" to "lakeshore".

• Old

  "Drop that pen right now Melfina!" yells Cadence from the entrance, with a flute case nestled under her arm. "What are you doing!?"

  New

  "Drop that pen right now Melfina!" yells Cadence as she enters the shop. "What are you doing!?"

  The flute part seems out of place. And to think that I already altered this chapter during the last revision. If people are reading Volume 2, they've probably read Volume 1, and know that she's a bard. If not, her name itself is a musical term. And if people don't get even that part, the next paragraph says is straight out.
• Old

  "That's exactly what it means! Go hire and assistant then go on vacation! Go travel the world! Relax on some beach! Buy some new dresses! Do something!

  New

  "That's exactly what it means! Go hire and assistant then go on vacation! Go travel the world! Relax by some lakeshore! Buy some new dresses! Do something!

  The ocean's are gone... I think people would sun bath by lakes now.
• Old

  "I like it. I know people will want to read that. Too many people are like your guard captain, and just don't know what they're takling about. Even if they do want to know. And they'll be happy to spend those golds on whoever'll go there to find out what the place is all about for them."

  New

  "I like it. I know people will want to read that. Too many people are like your guard captain, and just don't know what they're talking about. And even if the people are curious, they're too scared to go. But they'll be happy to spend golds on whoever'll go and find out for them."

  I revised this paragraph... and then I didn't check what I wrote. I had some sentences not making sense. Better now.