Enlightenment - Chapter I

July 9, 2009

• At least there weren't any spelling errors or typos in this chapter. As I continue to re-read the rest of the Volume 2 chapters, I'm sure I'll run into those.

• Old

  "Drop that pen right now Melfina!" yells Cadence from the entrance, flute in case, nestled under her arm. "What are you doing!?"

  New

  "Drop that pen right now Melfina!" yells Cadence from the entrance, with a flute case nestled under her arm. "What are you doing!?"

  Wow. That "in case," was pretty bad. What a terrible way to start off the entire volume. I can't believe I thought that was acceptible last time I revised the chapter.
• Old

  "That's exactly what money does! You can get an assistant who can take care of all the menial tasks while you take time off to go on vacation. Go travel the world! Relax on some beach! Buy some new dresses! Do something!

  New

  "That's exactly what it means>! Go hire and assistant then go on vacation! Go travel the world! Relax on some beach! Buy some new dresses! Do something!

  This paragraph is drastically improved. Cadence's first sentence didn't actually sound like it was a direct response to Melfina's statement, and the rest of the changes got rid of a lot of needless exposition and changes it to a conversation. It feels a lot more natural now. Changing her statement to a command also keeps her consistent with the reason she's there in the first place. She wants her friend to enjoy herself, and won't take no for an answer.
• Old

  Footsteps interrupt their conversation. Stark walks in with sword on hip, head held high, and the bard's disposition instantly changes.

  New

  Footsteps interrupt their conversation. Stark walks in with sword on hip, head held high, and a coy smile graces the bard's lips.

  This is much more direct. The previous version was too vague, and could have meant countless things... even the exact opposite of what I wanted to readers to realize.
• Old

  Stark replies, "The latest proclamation by the Archduke. What is it exactly? The town criers were just starting to proclaim the message as I left the city. I have yet to return."

  New

  "The latest proclamation by the Archduke," Stark tells Melfina, then looks back towards Cadence. "What is it exactly? The town criers were just starting to proclaim the message as I left the city. I have yet to return."

  Made it more clear as to who Stark was talking to during each part of the conversation.
• Old

  "Oh come on, it's not that bad." Cadence responds. "I've been there since the proclamation. Everyone seems to just keep to themselves and mind their own business. Not much chatter like there is in Luna. But I never felt as if I was in danger."

  New

  "Oh come on, it's not that bad." Cadence responds. "I've been there since the proclamation. Everyone seems to just keep to themselves and mind their own business. A little quiet, especially compared to Luna, but I never felt as if I was in danger."

  That last part stood out as needing to be one sentence, so I combined it and made it less wordy.
• Old

  "That's cause you won't. Not until it's too late."

  New

  "That's 'cause you won't. Not until it's too late."

  Inserted an apostraphe.
• Old

  Cadence shakes her head and as she watches him leave, a smile slowly blooms on her face. "Even in defeat he still has that confidant walk of his that I love to watch." Melfina stares wide-eyed at her friend. "Oh don't tell me you haven't noticed," she grins. "But anyway... you also shouldn't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I saw you starting to get excited about the idea. Do it."

  New

  Cadence shakes her head and as she watches him leave, a smile slowly blooms on her face. "Even in defeat he still has that confidant walk of his that I love to watch." Melfina stares wide-eyed at her friend. "Oh don't tell me you haven't noticed," she grins. "But anyway... you also shouldn't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. You know you want to. Do it."

  I could also have just shortend it to "I saw you." and would have been happy with that.
• Old

  "It couldn't hurt to take a look," she says slowly. "I guess I do have money to spend..." She smiles. "Umbra! It's finally open! Too many books about Umbra have been banned for too long. Too many restrictions when it comes to writing about it. I don't think anyone really knows what it's like over there." After a pause she whispers. "I could write a book. The first book on Umbra to be written in generations. Not about how to fight Umbra, or the evils of Umbra, but actually about Umbra!"

  New

  "It couldn't hurt to take a look," she says slowly. "I guess I do have money to spend..." She smiles. "Umbra! It's finally open!" No more banned books. And no more stupid laws barring the writing of new ones. "I don't think anyone really knows what it's like over there." After a pause she whispers. "I could write a book. The first book on Umbra to be written in generations. Not about how to fight Umbra, or the evils of Umbra, but actually about Umbra!"

  This isn't TV, where exposition in conversation is sometimes a necessary evil. I can simply take that part out of the quotes, so the conversation sounds good. Much better version.
• Old

  "I like it. I'm sure it'll sell. And more importantly, I'm sure it'll be read. Everyone is curious about the city, but so many of them have the same fears and misconceptions as your guard captain, and will never take the trip. But they will definitely let someone else do it for them."

  New

  "I like it. I know people will want to read that. Too many people are like your guard captain, and just don't know what they're takling about. Even if they do want to know. And they'll be happy to spend those golds on whoever'll go there to find out what the place is all about for them."

  I don't think this is perfect, but it's better.
• Old

  Cadence says her good-bye, knowing her friend doesn't, as word as Melfina is already lost in thought scribbling away in her notebook.

  New

  Cadence says her good-bye, knowing her friend doesn't hear a word, as she's already lost in thought scribbling away in her notebook.

  Typo. What a way to close the first chapter of the second volume.