Enlightenment - Chapter I

December 30, 2008

• Old

  "Drop that pen right now Melfina!" yells Cadence from the entrance with her favorite flute tucked in its case under her arm. "What are you doing!?"

  New

  "Drop that pen right now Melfina!" yells Cadence from the entrance, flute in case, nestled under her arm. "What are you doing!?"

  I always never was really satisfied with that opening. It was certainly much, much better than my intro to my very first draft, but it was still too long. I was introducing a new character, so I didn't want to say too little, but it was just too wordy. I've shortened it down some now. It says the same things, but in less time, and feels less clunky.
• Old

  "Wait. What?" Melfina quickly asks as her face lights up.

  New

  "Wait- What?" Melfina quickly asks as her face lights up.

  Simple change. The words were always sped up in my head, and my re-read just told me that the period made too long of a pause for what I was trying to go for.
• Old

  The paladin shakes his head, while seeming to spout of every thought as it enters his head, talking to no one in particular. "We need more guards. No wonder crime has been rising. Their corruption is already spreading. In the City! They've been walking the streets!" He looks at Cadence. "How is the Order taking it?"

  New

  The paladin shakes his head and vents. "We need more guards. No wonder crime has been rising. Their corruption is already spreading. In the City! They've been walking the streets!" He looks at Cadence. "How is the Order taking it?"

  Definitely wrote too many words that could simply summed up as "vents". Sure it isn't as precise, but it doesn't have to be. The reader can read it however the want, but as long as they know he's venting, the message is there.
• Old

  Umbra, she thinks again, oblivious to Stark's tirade, and speaks on top of the paladin. "Why hasn't Lord Luna told me! Something like this will affect sales! No wonder I've been selling out of recalls unusually fast!"

  New

  Umbra, she thinks again, oblivious to Stark's tirade, and speaks over the paladin. "Why hasn't Lord Luna told me! Something like this will affect sales! No wonder I've been selling out of recalls unusually fast!"

  "Over" is just a better word than "on top of". I'm not even sure if "on top of" is being used correctly here. I think it's just understood that I meant "over", so obviously needed changing.
• Old

  "What? No! " Stark says before she can even consider it.

  New

  "No!" Stark says before she can even consider it.

  This was too much like Melfina's reaction earlier, and Stark's feelings are certainly very clear on this issue so taking out the "What?" makes that scentence more decisive.
• Old

  Cadence shakes her head and as she watches him leave, a smile slowly blooms on her face. "Even in defeat he still has that confidant walk of his that I love to watch." Melfina stares at her friend. "Oh don't tell me you haven't noticed," she grins. "But anyway... you also shouldn't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I saw you starting to get excited about the idea. Do it."

  New

  Cadence shakes her head and as she watches him leave, a smile slowly blooms on her face. "Even in defeat he still has that confidant walk of his that I love to watch." Melfina stares wide-eyed at her friend. "Oh don't tell me you haven't noticed," she grins. "But anyway... you also shouldn't listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I saw you starting to get excited about the idea. Do it."

  One of the few changes where I added something. I think it's understood here, but I wanted to make sure the right image in conveyed. Something like "Melfina stares, shocked," might also have worked.
• Old

  Cadence knows the scribe it off on her own world now and says bye to her friend knowing that it won't be noticed. Before Melfina loses her thoughts she grabs her notebook picks up a pen.

  New

  Cadence says her good-bye, knowing her friend doesn't, as word as Melfina is already lost in thought scribbling away in her notebook.

  The first version was too passive. Combining the scentences and talking about what Cadence does, instead of what she knows, give the ending more action to it. This is the start of the volume, and the more purpose conveyed into Melfina, the better.
• In total that's a net change of -50 words to the chapter. At least there weren't any spelling errors or typos in this chapter. As I continue to re-read the rest of the Volume 2 chapters, I'm sure I'll run into those.