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July 25, 2009
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Only three changes! I could probably tweak it some more, but there's nothing too horrible. It really is my
descriptions, and not my conversations, where I tend to do the most fixing.
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Old
Stark runs to the shop and in no time emerges on the library floor and fury instantly boils in his
veins. Melfina is backed up against the far wall, both wrists locked in an iron grip. Gamblor looms over her.
Her scream makes the assailant flinch, but his grip never wavers.
New
Stark runs to the shop and in no time emerges on the library floor and fury boils in his veins. Melfina is backed
up against the far wall, both wrists locked in an iron grip. Gamblor looms over her. Her scream makes the
assailant flinch, but his grip holds strong.
My problem with the word instantly is that it's such a long word, and in reading, it does the opposite of what the
word means. It's just quicker to cut it out. "never wavers" just sounded slightly odd.
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Old
Melfina breaks free as Gamblor jumps from guard captain's command. Stark's sword is ready to act as
soon as she is clear, but he's surprised to find her clinging to his arm.
New
Melfina breaks free as Gamblor jumps at the command. Stark's sword is ready to act as soon
as she's clear, but surprise finds her clinging to his arm.
Trying to cut out syllables. Maybe I should change more, but I still like the general way it's set up.
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Old
"No!" she says emphatically. "I won't sell that. Don't say it again."
New
"No! I won't sell that. Don't say it again."
I think the italics is all the emphasis I need. No need to describe how she said it.
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