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Welcome to West Luna - Chapter VII




Table of Contents


Version to 1.80

July 23, 2009

  • A pretty good amount of cleaning up sentences and paragraphs. Some of them were pretty ugly.

  • Old
    Reflecting on his new life, the tasks before him fill Starks's mind as he walks in the wake of the scribe's departure. Guard Captain. Through a bizarre series of events, his life has been set on a new path in a heartbeat. His entire life has been directly guided by the Keepers of Chivalry; deciding when to start his apprenticeship, when to take the oaths, the focus of this studies, and the service he should choose. All major decisions and even ones not so major were decided for him, often times never being told why. The answers to "why" don't always lie in the present, young one, Brandon would tell him. Be patient. You will see. God has a plan for you.
    New
    Rest. There was no time for rest. The scribe was still walking away and his mind was filled with all the tasks he needed to accomplish to fulfill the duties of this new life of his. Guard Captain. Through a bizarre series of events, his life has been set on a new path in a heartbeat. His entire life has been directly guided by the Keepers of Chivalry; deciding when to start his apprenticeship, when to take the oaths, the focus of this studies, and the service he should choose. All of the major decisions, and even ones not so major, were decided for him, often times never being told why. The answers to "why" don't always lie in the present, young one, Brandon would tell him. Be patient. You will see. God has a plan for you.
    I really did not like "the taks fill Stark's mind". The whole sentence in fact. This is much better.
  • Old
    Before Stark's thoughts wander any further, he notices the scribe has stopped. Thankfully, the answer to this particular "why" remains in the present. A man stands waiting in the shadows of the museum. Still and silent, he watches the scribe’s shop, not sensing he is no longer hidden.
    New
    But Stark ends line of thought because Melfina has suddenly stopped. Thankfully, the answer to this particular "why" remains in the present. A man stands waiting in the shadows of the museum. Still and silent, he watches the scribe's shop, oblivious that he is no longer hidden.
    His thoughts aren't wandering. They're pretty focused on his current situation.
  • Old
    Thigh high boots, bandana, and full length apron all in black cover his body The red of his pants match the red of his short cropped hair peeking out from beneath the bandana. Another thief. How do they all know about that Tome? Was it being watched? Waiting for it to leave Luna's walls? Why not buy it themselves?
    New
    Black thigh high boots and full length apron are worn on top of red pants. Strands of red hair peek out from beneath a black bandana. Another thief. How do they all know about that Tome? Was it being watched? Waiting for it to leave Luna's walls? Why not buy it themselves?
    It sounded a lot better to put the "black" in front of the sentence, rather than having it at the end. But because of that I had to rearrange both the first and second sentence. Definitely better this way.
  • Old
    The scribe creeps closer to this new intruder. Foolish woman! Baffled as to why she isn't casting a spell, Stark remains still. Silence and surprise are their most potent weapons. Weapons that he won't cull and break with the Merchant Vendor in between this new intruder and himself. She moves deliberately with no sign of fear. Stark can only hope yesterday’s events have tempered her, and not made her reckless.
    New
    He watches as the scribe creeps toward the new intruder. Foolish woman! Stark remains still, wondering why she isn't casting a spell. Silence and surprise are their most potent weapons. Weapons he won't throw away with the merchant vendor between the thief and himself. She moves deliberately with no sign of fear. Stark can only hope yesterday's events have tempered her, and not made her reckless.
    I needed to start off with "He watches..." otherwise is seemed odd that it switched back and forth between what Melfina was doing, and how Stark was reacting. I have no idea what I meant by "cull and break". I think that's a typo of some kind, but it's not coming to me what that was supposed to be.
  • Old
    Sword clenched, eyes locked. Stark waits.
    New
    Sword clenched. Eyes fixed. Stark waits.
    When I think of locked eyes, it's usually on someone else's eyes. I think fixed is a bit better. I could use "focused" but I wanted it one syllable.
  • Old
    Then Stark recalls Melfina's words, I'm a scribe, not a mage... I usually have to look up most spells... as the Merchant Vendor steps within arms reach. With every muscle tensed, Stark prepares to save the stupid woman. What does she think she can do? His heart slows down rather than speeds up as his training unconsciously takes over.
    New
    Then Stark recalls Melfina's words, I'm a scribe, not a mage... I usually have to look up most spells... as the merchant vendor can almost touch him. What does she think she can do? With every muscle tensed, Stark prepares to save the stupid woman. His heart slows down rather than speeds up as his training unconsciously takes over.
    I like how the new version talks about where he is, in relation to what she can do to him, rather than the more ambiguous distance of the older version. Plus reversing the two middle sentences seems to make more chronological sense.
  • Old
    Still as stone, Stark watches her reach out toward the intruder. Surprise is lost. He knew she was there. He moves, quick as a fox, locking her wrist in an iron grip.
    New
    Still as stone, Stark watches her reach out toward the intruder. Surprise is lost. He knew she was there. Quick as a fox, he locks her wrist in an iron grip.
    Pointless words in "He moves"
  • Old
    "Not this time girl," he says darkly.
    New
    "Not this time, girl," he says darkly.
    Comma.
  • Old
    Stark's charge dissipates. Sword still in hand, as the reevaluates the situation.
    New
    Stark's charge dissipates but his sword remains drawn while he reevaluates the situation.
    That was just awkward. And a typo.
  • Old
    "I know," He says matter of factly. "Too bad you look terrible or I could say the same." She hits him again, much harder this time. "Where's your regular dress? Looks like you sell cupcakes and cookies rather than supplies for the All Powerful Magic Arts. Don't tell me you've given up and turned your place into a bakery!" He lifts his nose and sniffs.
    New
    "I know," He says matter of factly. "Too bad you look terrible or I could say the same." She hits him again, much harder this time. "Where's your regular dress? Looks like you make cupcakes rather than sell scrolls and books on the All Powerful Magic Arts. Don't tell me you've given up and run a bakery now!" He raises his nose and sniffs.
    Was too long.
  • Old
    This time her hit physically forces him a step back. "Shut up!. As a matter of fact I am baking something today. For dinner with Gwen."
    New
    This time her hit moves him a step back. "Shut up!. As a matter of fact I am baking something today. For dinner with Gwen."
    Of course a hit is physical. Was redundant. And I liked "moves" better than "forces". Seems to creat the image faster in my head, rather than at the "step."
  • Old
    "And what would you do Treasure Hunter? Have you ever dealt out Justice?”
    New
    Of course there couldn't be any other reason you might know thieves Stark doesn't say out loud. Instead he asks, "And what would you do if you find him, Treasure Hunter? Have you ever dealt out Justice?"
    It used to make sense when I wrote it. I was definitely confused this time without the "if you find him".
  • Old
    Stark's dealt with people like this before. If you choose to live in a city, you agree to it's rules. Most people accept and understand. Others don't accept, but understand and just choose to live elsewhere. A few neither accept, nor understand. Or more precisely, pretend to do neither, because of what they do, and not because of any argument they present. Their actions show the true reasons behind their protestations. "What is it that you do for the Merchant Vendor?"
    New
    Stark's dealt with people like this before. If you choose to live in a city, you agree to it's rules. Most people accept and understand. Others don't accept, but understand and just choose to live elsewhere. A few neither accept, nor understand. Or more precisely, pretend to do neither, because of what they do, and not because of any belief. Their actions show the true reasons behind their protestations. "What is it that you do for the Merchant Vendor?"
    He's angry about more than just what they say.
  • Old
    "What don't I do is the real question," he puts on his fake smile instantly. "I get things for her."
    New
    "What don't I do is the real question," he puts on his fake smile instantly. "I get things."
    It needed that emphasis there to read right. I was going to use "I acquire things" but I wanted him to use a simpler word so I left it as "get".
  • Old
    "Bleed'em dry, Mel. They owe you for everything you've had to pay because of'em. Anything else new with my favorite West Lunite?"
    New
    "Bleed'em dry, Mel. They owe you for everything you've had to pay because of'em." Then he adds, "Anything else new with my favorite West Lunite?"
    The transition in conversation definitely sounded too abrupt.
  • Old
    Stark begins to follow them upstairs, but he hears movement nearby. A man dressed in vibrant blues and reds walks nearby. Stark tries to hail him, but the stranger only hastens his step, quickly moving west, well beyond the furthest reaches of what could be considered the boundaries of West Luna.
    New
    Stark begins to follow them upstairs, but he hears movement. A man dressed in vibrant blues and reds walks nearby. Stark tries to hail him, but the stranger only hastens his step, quickly moving west, well beyond the furthest reaches of what could be considered the boundaries of West Luna.
    Didn't like using two "nearby"s.

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