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July 22, 2009
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A couple big fixes in a few places to make it read better, and one minor functional change.
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Old
Focusing his eyes, Stark takes in everything as the room quickly fades into view and he emerges from the teleport
tile. The scribe extends her arm out toward the room and says, "This is my library."
New
Focusing his eyes, Stark takes in the room as he appears from the teleport tile. The scribe extends her
arm out toward the room and says, "This is my library."
Two important things wrong with this opening. It happens quickly, but it is an extremely long sentence that describes
almost nothing. "Fading" isn't something that you associate with appearing.
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Old
A quick scan of the room instantly shows signs of the previous scuffle. A bow lies carelessly
discarded on the ground. The arrow that bites into a chest along the far wall seems to still quiver as if it
had only be released moments earlier. One side of the room is a complete mess. Books, paper, and
several ink bottles are scattered, the overturned wooden tables being the obvious reason.
New
A scan is all it takes to see signs of the merchant vendor's encounter with the thief. A bow lies
carelessly discarded on the ground. An arrow bites into a chest along the far wall. Stark could almost feel
it still quivering, as if it had just been released a moment ago. Half the room is a chaotic mess. Books,
paper, and ink bottles litter the floor, with the aisle of overturned tables as the obvious reason.
I didn't like the first sentence for multiple reasons. I didn't like how reading "quick", "scan", and "instantly"
felt very redundant. Even though the new sentence has more syllables, it feels quicker becuase the beginning is
filled with one syllable words. The word "instantly" is not a fast word despite what it means.
I liked matching how the "bow" sentence got straight to the point of his view of the room, so I altered the "arrow"
sentence to follow suit. "Half" is more efficient than "One side of", and "chaotic" matches how the room looks
whereas "complete" is the exact opposite, even thought "complete mess" and "chaotic mess" actually mean the same
thing. Having stuff "scattered" is describing where they are. Having those same things "litter the floor" is more
active since is describes what they are doing. Makes it sound much better. And "as" is just shorter to say than
"being".
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Old
Despite all that, it's easy to see this room is usually well kept. More than well kept. The rest of the room
is filled with identical small wooden tables that are perfectly aligned with each other, each with its own precisely set
chair, with not a single mote of dust in sight.
New
Despite all that, it's easy to see this room is usually well kept. More than well kept. The other half of the
room has small, wooden tables sitting side by side, each perfectly aligned with the next. The accompanying chair for
each table is likewise precisely set, with not a single mote of dust in sight.
Since I said "half" in the previous paragraph, I need to use that again here.
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Old
"This place is open for anyone to use, unlike the Luna Library where only those of privilege have access.
All are welcome as long as they respect the books I provide."
New
"This place is open for anyone to use, unlike the Luna Library where only a privileged few have access.
All are welcome as long as they respect the books."
Wanted to tweak it to sound slightly less formal.
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Old
"Wipe them first." Stark wipes his hands while Melfina continues, "Just set everything on the
table there, I'll organize it later." After a pause, she hastily adds, "I know the shelves look empty, but
they'll be filled soon enough," she quickly adds.
New
"Make sure they're clean." Stark wipes his hands with the damp cloth she throws at him. "And dry,"
she adds as she throws him a second cloth. "Just set everything on the table there, I'll organize it later."
"And the bookshelves might look empty now, but they'll be filled soon enough," she adds.
I felt like we needed to see more about how Melfina wanted to make sure Stark handled the books properly. The
sentence about her being defensive about the empty space in the bookshshelves no longer fit and needed to be its own
paragraph.
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Old
Melfina turns red. "Well that doesn't matter. This will become the center of knowledge of the entire realm
some day."
New
Melfina turns red. "Well that doesn't matter. This will become the center of knowledge of the entire world
some day."
There is no realm. People are unprotected right now.
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Old
"You've had a hard day today. You should eat and rest Merchant Vendor, so your body can properly recover from
your wounds."
New
"You've had a hard day today. You should eat and rest Merchant Vendor. Your body needs to recover."
Felt too long.
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Old
Stark looks back to where the telepo... "It was silent!" Stark realizes. "That's how he was able to sneak up on
you. Your teleport tile doesn't make the typical sound as it's being used."
New
Stark looks back to where the telepo- "It was silent!" Stark realizes. "That's how he was able to sneak up on
you. There's no popping sound when your tile is used."
Sounded unnatural.
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