Lots a shortening of extra long sentences, improving paragraphs, and fixing typos.
Old
"Away from her!" commands a voice from behind.
New
"Away from her!" commands a voice from behind.
Typo.
Old
Rather than finding himself facing the return of the thief, Stark looks up at an armored noble returning from a
hunt. With magnificent antlers attached to his helmet and ornate longbow drawn, he sits atop a masterfully
trained nightmare. Its eyes are as focused as its master's, and is poised to trample Stark with its hooves or
breath fire upon him the instant it's given the command. With arrow notched however, it is obvious the
noble will handle the situation himself.
New
Rather than finding himself facing the return of the thief, Stark looks up at an armored noble returning from a
hunt. With magnificent antlers attached to his helmet and ornate longbow drawn, he sits atop a masterfully
trained nightmare. Its eyes are as focused as its master's, and is poised to trample Stark with its hooves or
breath fire upon him the instant the command is given. However with an arrow aimed at his heart, the noble
obviously will handle the situation himself.
There were too many "its" in the sentence already. Better to get rid of one of them. And having the arrow notched
was too technical. Having it aiming something feels more immediate.
Old
"My Lor..."
New
"My Lor-"
I think I hadn't started using the dashes to indicate cut off words until later. Updating now to follow the
convention.
Old
"Silence!"[ Stark backs away.
New
"Silence!" Stark backs away.
Typo.
Old
"Who are you? You're no Guard. They don't patrol outside the walls anymore. Do you have
any idea what they do to anyone who impersonates them? And to rape a woman! You will answer me or you
will wish the Fires of Truth are all you will have to face." The scribe stirs. "Better yet, she can
condemn you right here and my shaft shall remove yours." The aim of the bow is lowered from Stark's head to
where his legs begin, the dip in his head moves the antlers on his helmet in a way that creates the illusion he is
ready to charge.
New
"Who are you? You're no Guard. They no longer patrol beyond the walls. Do you have any idea what
they do to anyone those impersonates them? And to rape a woman! You will answer me or you will wish
the Fires of Truth are all you will have to face." The scribe stirs. "Better yet, she can condemn you right here
and my shaft shall remove yours." The arrow's aim moves from heart to groin, and it seems as if he's ready to
charge as his antlers lower.
Typo, some minor clean up, and the end really needed fixing. I don't know why I tried so hard to avoid the word
groin.
Old
"Melfina. What happened," the noble speaks with the same voice of command to the recovering girl as
he did to Stark, himself.
New
"Melfina. What happened," the noble speaks with the same voice of command to the recovering girl as he did to
Stark, himself.
Typo.
Old
"Tell me what happened, so this may be finished," Stark hears, heart beating faster, afraid that speaking up
will only bring about the lord's wrath before matters can be clarified.
New
"Tell me what happened, so this may be finished."
Stark freezes as his heart races, fearing any word from him might loose the lord's wrath before matters
were clarified.
That was just weird to have a "Stark hears", after Lord Luna's words.
Old
"What? No... He didn't attack me," Stark thankfully hears her say as she is starting to understand.
"He somehow cured me of a poison."
New
"What? No... He didn't attack me," she says to Stark's relief. He fought off a thief, and somehow
cured the poison."
That was just weird having a comma and not having a "she says."
Old
"The poison is cleansed, but the wound needs to be bandaged," Stark raises the bandage in his hand.
New
"The poison is cleansed, but the wound needs to be bandaged," Stark presents the bandage in his hand.
I don't really like the use of bandage twice here, but am not quite sure how to write around that. But "presents"
is much better than "raised". Makes a much clearer picture.
Old
"If I may," asks Stark, grateful that he is allowed to move again. Melfina nods.
New
"If I may," asks Stark of the scribe, happy to move about. Melfina nods.
Typo, and I think it needed more immediate clarification as to who Stark was talking to.
Old
"What happened?" hears Stark, as he begins to apply the bandage.
New
"What happened?" hears Stark, as he begins to apply the bandage.
Typo.
Old
"Yes Lord Luna," she says through her teeth. She sets her dress back over her shoulders now that
Stark is finished.
New
"Yes Lord Luna," she says through her teeth, then sets sets her dress back over her shoulders after Stark
finishes.
One of the few times during these revisions that combining sentences actually makes it sound better. Sounded
too robotic with the "she says" and "she sets" so close together.
Old
"Good," he says, matters settled. He turns to Stark. "Paladin. I am the Lord of West Luna. Tell me
your name and why are you outside the walls and on my land."
New
"Good," he says, matters settled. He turns to Stark. "Paladin. I am the Lord of West Luna. Tell me your name
and why are you outside the walls and on my land."
Typo.
Old
A Luna Guard is given orders to make his Final Rounds of the city only if he committed a gross neglect of his
duties. They are sent to patrol the city beyond the walls, to remind them of the privilege it was to serve Luna,
and show them one last glimpse of the place they can no longer return to once their rounds are completed, rather
than being some remnant from the time Luna Guards would regularly patrol and defend the surrounding countryside.
New
A Luna Guard is given orders to make his Final Rounds of the city only if he committed a gross neglect of his
duties. They are sent to patrol the city beyond the walls, spiraling outward until the city was no longer in
sight. This was to remind them of the privilege it was to serve Luna, and show them one last glimpse of the place
they can no longer return to once their rounds are completed. It was not a remnant from the days when the Luna
Guard would regularly patrol beyond the walls, defending more than just the city itself, like some believed.
Now here was a sentence that was too long again, and I had to split it up. I also needed to add a sentence since I made
it so West Luna was further away than just the half the length of the city wall. I think that was the reason
I didn't change that part sooner. I'm glad I quickly found a solution because I completely forgot about this point.
Old
"I was the first to arrive. I invoked the Gifts and I gave of myself all that was possible, but there were too
many in need, the damage was too extensive. I passed out..." he clenches his jaw, eyes beginning to sting. "When
I awoke, I looked around and none had stirred. Most were lost, though a few still breathe. They remain in the
deep sleep, unlikely to waken. The Dungeon Slaughterer escaped, and I was given my final orders."
New
"I was the first to arrive. I invoked the Gifts and I gave of myself all that was possible, but there were too
many in need, the damage was too extensive. I passed out..." he clenches his jaw, eyes beginning to sting. "When
I woke... most were lost. A few survived, but have yet to awaken. The Dungeon Slaughterer escaped, and
I was given my final orders."
His speech was too formal. The story uses much more present day speech.
Old
"You were punished for trying to save them!" Melfina exclaims.
New
"You were punished for trying to save them!" Melfina exclaims.
Typo.
Old
"Tried. While the murderer remains free, able to kill again. Maybe not prisoners this time, nor guards, but
innocents, or more importantly customers of Luna's shops, and maybe even the vendors of Luna itself.
This paladin here might have prevented that."
New
"Tried," said Lord Luna. "While the murderer remains free, able to kill again. Maybe not prisoners
this time, nor guards, but innocents. Customers of Luna's shops and the merchant vendors themselves.
This paladin here might have prevented that."
There we go. Another sentence that was too long. And too much lecturing.
Old
"Watch your tone," Lord Luna warns. "Save your energy. I am telling you what they believe, not I. Dead guards
don't require pay. While he may have followed a fresher trail and captured the murderer. Instead, the murderer
remains free, and will create fear and doubt. Faith is lost in the fabled Luna Guard. A loss of faith may have
ittle effect, or it may build to a loss of faith in the entire city. The flow of profit into the city
could dry up."
New
"Watch your tone," Lord Luna warns. "Save your energy. I am telling you what they believe, not I. Dead guards
don't require pay. While he may have followed a fresher trail and captured the murderer. Instead, the
murderer remains free, and will create fear and doubt. Faith is lost in the fabled Luna Guard. A loss of faith
may have little effect, or it may build to a loss of faith in the entire city. The flow of profit into
the city could dry up."
Typo.
Old
"You should know better than that. Have you been away from Luna that long? Or was learning about those who
defended all within something you cared nothing about. Training to be a Guard is no different than any other
profession. You pay a dowry to enter any apprenticeship, including the Guard. Only once someone is officially
sworn in, does the city pay them at all. Profits, and only profits, direct all aspects of Luna." Lord of West
Luna notices something on Stark's face. "Why do you hold your tongue? Speak paladin."
New
"You should know better than that. Have you been away from Luna that long? Or you just never cared enough
to learn about those who protected you. Training to be a Guard is no different than any other profession.
You pay a dowry to enter any apprenticeship, including the Guard. Only once someone is officially sworn in, does
the city pay them at all. Profits, and only profits, direct all aspects of Luna." Lord of West Luna notices
a look on Stark's face. "Speak paladin."
Too much lecturing again. I want him strong and authoritative, but I don't want him going on too long.
Old
"Yes, Luna is concerned with profits," he proceeds cautiously. "But without profits, Luna would fall. Those
profits are used to maintain the Guard, keep the streets clean and maintain other city necessities, and
it is used to send paladins out into the land to spread the Light," defends the Guard.
New
"Yes, Luna is concerned with profits," he proceeds cautiously. "But without profits, Luna would fall. Those
profits are used to maintain the Guard, maintain the city, and it is used to send paladins out into the
land to spread the Light," defends the Guard.
Going on too long again. I think I always thought this needed fixing, but for some reason didn't feel like I could
just delete some of it.
Old
"And preserving Luna is God's will of course," the lord finishes. "And what will you do when your Final Rounds
are over?" he says finally amused by the guard.
New
"And preserving Luna is God's will of course," the lord finishes. "And what will you do when your Final Rounds
are complete?" he says finally amused by the guard.
Not necessary, just felt like changing it.
Old
"I am already finished, my lord. I was doing a second round when I heard her cry out."
New
"I am already finished, my lord. I was doing an extra loop when I heard her cry out."
Needed a tweak because of the change in how the Final Rounds are done.
Old
"While I do not have your faith, this is what I see. What you did at the dungeons was the only thing you should
have done. You have proven your abilities as a paladin, both in combat and in healing, just moments past when you
fought off the thief that poisoned my scribe. You seem to seek perfection in all your duties, and are willing to
give counsel when you think one above your station is wrong," he pauses, "not that I am wrong about
Luna."
New
"While I do not have your faith, this is what I see. What you did at the dungeons was the only thing you should
have done. You have proven your abilities as a paladin, both in combat and in healing, just moments past when you
fought off the thief that poisoned my scribe. You seem to seek perfection in all your duties, and are willing to
give counsel when you think one above your station is wrong," he pauses, "Not that I am wrong about
Luna."