Mostly a lot of minor changes, or changes I made just because I saw some nearby changes. Only a couple changes
because I felt it needed it.
Old
The world holds its breath as Melfina watches the scene unfold before her.
New
The world holds its breath as Melfina watches the scene unfold.
Unnecessary words.
Old
Her savior stands tall, staring down at the offender from within his impenetrable armor. He radiates the casual
confidence of a lion sizing up its prey. The Luna Guard strictly enforce any and all Violations of Property, and
there is only one punishment for theft – death.
New
Her savior stands tall, staring down at the offender from within his impenetrable armor. He radiates the casual
confidence of a lion sizing up its prey. The Luna Guard strictly enforce any and all Violations of Property, and
there is only one punishment for theft. Death.
I like the capitalized "Death" better. Seems more ominous.
Old
The thief cowers like the rat that he is, cornered and ready to flee the first chance he gets. A random
assortment of goods from her store litters the ground beneath him. The Tome of Lost Knowledge must have been
the last item he grabbed.
New
The thief cowers like the rat that he is, cornered and ready to flee the first chance he gets. Random goods
from her shop litters the ground beneath him. The Tome of Lost Knowledge must have been the last item he
grabbed.
Too long.
Old
It's safe, she thinks as the despair of just moments ago blossoms into hope for the return of her discovery,
adoration for her savior, and rage at her attacker.
New
It's safe, she thinks, and her despair blossoms into hope for recovering the tome, adoration for
her savior, and rage at her attacker.
I always thought this part was too long, but I was trying too hard to list the Tome of Lost Knowledge as some other
word. It just didn't work.
Old
The standstill lasts only a moment. Panic vanishes from the thief's face, and what was once a cornered
rat now resembles a coiled snake. With a smirk, he replies to the Luna guard, "The frantic scream from
the girl tells me this is worth five lives. I choose the book. Come and collect if you can."
New
The standstill lasts but a moment. Panic vanishes from the thief's face, and what was once a cornered rat
now resembles a coiled snake. With a smirk, he replies to the Luna Guard, "The frantic scream from the
girl tells me this is worth five lives. I choose the book. Come and collect if you can."
Was still working out what was to be capitalized and italicized. Changed it to fit my current standards. Since I'm
already here, thought I'd change "only" to "but". It rolls off the tounge better. Otherwise I would have left it
alone.
Old
Melfina forgets to become infuriated as she watches the guard do the oddest thing. He bows towards
the thief.
New
Melfina has no time to be furious as she watches the guard do the oddest thing. He bows.
This was another paragraph I was ever really satisfied with. This one I always felt was too long. The last sentence
I also thought I needed to indicate the direction of Stark's bow since there were three people, but I think it's
pretty clear without that, especially with Nightshade's reply.
Old
"Anyone can afford the time to properly honor a battle."
New
"Anyone can afford the time to properly honor a duel."
This is a functional change. I don't want Stark crippled by having to bow for surprise attacks. This is something
he'd do for one-on-one dueling.
Old
"Afford! Don't talk to me about costs. If I was as rich as you, paladin, I could buy my way to
Gods graces too."
New
"Afford! Don't talk to me about costs. If I was as rich as you, paladin, I could buy my way to
God's graces too."
Typo.
Old
"Where is the legendary swift justice I was promised! This has been disappointing. No wonder your kind hardly
ever takes the field. Commanding from up on high on thrones of gold." And before the last word leaves his
lips, the thief's arm whips out and a shuriken flies from his finger tips while he draws a dagger from his belt and sprints
toward the paladin.
New
"Where is the legendary swift justice I was promised! This has been disappointing. No wonder your kind hardly
ever takes the field. Commanding from up on high on thrones of gold." The thief's arm whips out and a shuriken
flies from his finger tips before the last word leaves his lips, and immediately sprints toward the paladin,
drawing his dagger.
I think by seperating the two actions with "before the last word leaves his lips" rather than have them follow back to
back makes it feel like a shorter sentence.
Old
Hopelessly outclassed, the thief turns his head and looks into eye Melfina's eyes. He lifts up the Tome and
carelessly tosses it by the front flap of the cover. "Enjoy!"
New
Hopelessly outclassed, the thief turns his head and looks Melfina in the eye. He lifts up the Tome and
carelessly tosses it by the front flap of the cover. "Enjoy!"
Typo, so I took the time to rearrange it since I'm fixing things.
Old
The book vanishes behind the corner of a nearby building. As she races to recover it she quickly finds her fears
have come to pass as she sees at least one page has torn free, and lies there helplessly impaled on a crystal growth
coming up from the ground.
New
The book vanishes behind the corner of a nearby building. As she races to recover it, she quickly finds her fears
have come to pass as she sees at least one page has torn free and lies there helplessly impaled on a crystal growth
coming up from the ground.
Rearranging comma.
Old
"The Tome!" Melfina howls as she turns to face the venemous thief. Burn! Is the only
thought smoldering within her as she begins to cast flamestrike. She craves the smell of his charred flesh.
New
"The Tome!" Melfina howls as she turns to face the venomous thief. Burn! Is the only
thought smoldering within her as she begins to cast flamestrike. She craves the smell of his charred flesh.
Typo.
Old
The thought of how many years of knowledge that might have been destroyed pierces her heart. The fear returning to
his face is small consolation. She wants to see him suffer. He knows he has already pushed his luck with the
paladin. Facing a second opponent would be stabbing it from behind.
New
The thought of how many years of knowledge that might have been destroyed pierces her heart. The fear returning to
his face is small consolation. She wants to see him suffer. Yet, he knows he has already toyed with luck for
too long. Adding another playmate would make him lose this game.
I don't think it was clear enough, so I just changed it.
Old
Concentrating on her spell, Melfina doesn't notice the shuriken flying at her. It bites into her chest,
interrupting the delicate movements and concentration needed to cast the spell. She can't let the paladin finish him
off before she's satisfied her craving, so she begins anew, but a wave of dizziness soon follows.
New
Concentrating on her spell, Melfina doesn't notice the shuriken. It bites into her chest, interrupting the delicate
movements and concentration needed to cast the spell. She can't let the paladin finish him off before she's
satisfied her craving, so she begins anew, but a wave of dizziness soon follows.
Unnecessary words. What else would a shuriken be doing? Just lying there? It was already established that it's
Nightshade that's throwing them, so of course it's flying at her.
Old
Poison! she realizes. Her attempts at Curing herself fail as the poison takes its toll.
New
Poison! she realizes. All attempts at casting cure fail, as the poison takes its toll.
I have a new capitalization convention, so since I was here, also changed the sentence.
Old
The thief grabs ahold of some of the goods on the ground and flings them at Stark's face. "Foul
nightshade!" spits the paladin as some of the poisonous plant leaves his lips.
New
The thief grabs ahold of some of the goods on the ground and flings them at Stark's face. "Pah!
Nightshade!" spits the paladin as some of the poisonous plant leaves his lips.
Still a little cartoony, but less so. I have to leave Stark calling out the name of the reagent, even though that
probably wouldn't happen.
Old
"Hmm... I like it. Call me Nightshade. You should know the name of the man you failed to kill," he hisses.
Before he pushes the paladin too far, he points to Melfina. "Look at the girl paladin. Kill me or save
her. Choose!"
New
"Hmm... I like it. Call me Nightshade. You should know the name of the man you failed to kill," he hisses.
Before he pushes the paladin too far, he points to Melfina. "Look at the girl, paladin. Kill me or save
her. Choose!"