Pretty much the trend for all these fixes was that I was writing sentences that were way too long. And there
were a lot of them. At least the last line was good. Probably the best thing of the chapter that kept people
coming for more.
Old
I hate this city! Melfina thinks for the twenty-sixth time as she exits another vendor shop.
Why do I keep coming back here? Luna has everything, but I can’t find anything ! I don’t know why I
waste my time like this, she shakes her head as she moves on to the next shop, unfortunately named Vendor
House.
New
I hate this city! Melfina thinks again as she exits another vendor shop. The twenty-sixth
time that day. Why do I keep coming back here? Luna has everything, but I can't find anything!
I don't know why I waste my time like this, she shakes her head as she moves on to the next shop,
unfortunately named Vendor House.
There we go. This version works a lot better. There was just too much of nothing in one sentence. Keeping
them seperate makes the two points seem more relevant. What a way to start the whole story. At least it's
fixed now.
Old
She holds her pristine, deep blue dress close to her body to keep it from catching on any of the countless items
scattered throughout the store, the gold lining faintly shimmering in the mid-afternoon sun. A glance at
the sign reminds her of all that is wrong with Luna. I don't know what's worse, the sloppy design of the house,
the ugly decor, the haphazard arrangement of goods, or the horrid name. She quickly scans the area and once more
begins to methodically sort through every crate, bag, and chest, looking for anything of worth. It's a familiar
process that she goes through every month. Every time she makes a promise to never do this again, but every time,
the chest waiting at home beneath her bed reminds her that it is sometimes worth it.
New
She holds her pristine, deep blue dress close to her body to keep it from catching on any of the countless items
scattered throughout the store. The gold trim shimmers in the mid-afternoon sun. A glance at the sign
reminds her of all that is wrong with Luna. I don't know what's worse, the sloppy design of the house, the ugly
decor, the haphazard arrangement of goods, or the horrid name. She quickly scans the area and once more begins
to methodically sort through every crate, bag, and chest, looking for anything of worth. It's a familiar process
that she goes through every month. Every time she makes a promise to never do this again, but every time, the chest
waiting at home beneath her bed reminds her that it is sometimes worth it.
If a sentence feels like it's running on too long, it probably is.
Old
With it already in her hands, she can't help but open up the book, not registering the odd presence of a book cover.
Her breath cuts short as she looks at the open pages. Instead of seeing a recipe for lark, wren, or sparrow, she
finds herself reading the familiar process on how to cast Heal, but with a slight variation to the tone,
a sharper emphasis to the syllables, and a tweak to the hand movement. The right texture and quality to the paper,
and the right feel and tint to the inks. A careful eye, a quick flip through the rest of the book, and a pause
to sense its magical resonance solidifies her suspicions. A Tome of Lost Knowledge! No creases, no tears, the
cover hasn't been foolishly dyed, and pages haven’t been written in! The only oddity is the lack of a proper
sealant to preserve the pages.
New
With it already in her hands, she can't help but open up the book, not registering the odd presence of a book cover.
Her breath cuts short as she looks at the open pages. Instead of seeing a recipe for lark, wren, or sparrow, she
finds herself reading the familiar process of casting heal, but with a slight variation to the tone, a
sharper emphasis to the syllables, and a tweak to the hand movement. The right texture and quality to the paper,
and the right feel and tint to the inks. A careful eye, a quick flip through the rest of the book, and a pause
to sense its magical resonance solidifies her suspicions. A Tome of Lost Knowledge! No creases, no tears, the
cover hasn't been foolishly dyed, and pages haven’t been written in! The only oddity is the lack of a proper
sealant to preserve the pages.
Maybe that sentence could be cut short, but at least I shortened it a little bit.
Old
The bank relies on the city guard for protection, whose barracks lie above the bank, on the second floor,
where an inn for wary travelers and a church for the city's paladins, to pay their respects with prayer and
gold, are also located. There is no need to worry about being robbed in the bank or anywhere else within the city
walls. Even within crowds that often become so thick that to see beyond three feet becomes impossible. As long as
anyone is within the city walls, a simple yell for the guards will bring forth swift response for the victim and even
swifter justice to the criminal. Having a well kept, efficient, and effective city guard is the only thing that Luna
has done right.
New
The bank relies on the city guard for protection, whose barracks lie above the bank. The second floor also
contains an inn for wary travelers and a church for the city's paladins, where they can pay their
respects with prayer and gold. There is no need to worry about being robbed in the bank or anywhere else within the
city walls. Even within crowds that often become so thick that to see beyond three feet becomes impossible. As long
as anyone is within the city walls, a simple yell for the guards will bring forth swift response for the victim and
even swifter justice to the criminal. Having a well kept, efficient, and effective city guard is the only thing that
Luna has done right.
Another incredibly long sentence. I don't think I write those anymore.
Old
As soon as she breaks her way back out of the crowd, she hits a dead run. It would be too confusing to have a rune
dedicated to each shop in Luna, so she has to make her way back on foot. Just before she gets within sight of the
shop, she forces herself to walk at a more casual pace to allow her to catch her breath and not send
signals to the vendors working at Vendor House that one of their items is worth far more than the asking
price.
New
As soon as she breaks her way back out of the crowd, she hits a dead run. It would be too confusing to have a rune
dedicated to each shop in Luna, so she has to make her way back on foot. Just before she gets within sight of the
shop, she forces herself to a walk, wanting to catch her breath and not send signals that
one of their items is worth far more than the asking price.
Sentence much too long again.
Old
Vendor House remains empty of other customers. Melfina simply walks back to where she left the books, picks up all
three, and pays fifty gold each. It would have been an outrageous price for three such common books if they were as
they seemed, but this hidden gem easily makes up for any aggravation this city has built up in her after months
of searching, and finding nothing of any interest. She can't keep a grin from beaming from her face as soon as her
back is turned.
New
Vendor House remains empty of other customers. Melfina simply walks back to where she left the books, picks up all
three, and pays fifty gold each. It would have been an outrageous price for three such common books if they were as
they seemed, but there was a hidden gem that was hers now, and hers alone. Months of aggravation finally
yeilded some results. The grin on her face is impossible to hide no matter how hard she tries. Thankfully her
back already faces the store.
Again. Same problem. Things were just running on too long. Changing the last sentence to sound more positive is
also a better fit, since that's what she's feeling. They both describe the same thing, but the new sentece
reflects her mood much better.
Old
Her own shop is west of the city, no further than half the length of the city walls, but that
may as well be in the furthest depths of Doom as far as the Luna Guard is concerned. One step beyond the walls and
Archduke Aedilwulf's decree prevents them from acting against even the most vile of criminals.
New
Her own shop lies west of the city, still within sight of the city walls, but that may as well
be in the furthest depths of Doom as far as the Luna Guard is concerned. One step beyond the walls and Archduke
Aedilwulf's decree prevents them from acting against even the most vile of criminals.
The distance needed to be more ambiguous. The chapter was originally written with a story of much smaller scope in
mind, thinking that I could use the actual game map, and the size of houses on that map, as the map of my story. It's
just not going to work.
Old
She steps through the gateway, and without a backward glance, runs into her shop, steps onto the teleport tile that
takes her to her library on the second floor, and then releases a yell of triumph. The tome is gently placed on a
table as she opens up a wooden chest where she keeps her stash of red leaves so she can prepare a mixture used
for preserving books.
New
She steps through the gateway, and without a backward glance, runs into her shop, steps onto the teleport tile that
takes her to her library on the second floor, and then releases a yell of triumph. The tome is gently placed on a
table as she opens up a wooden chest where she keeps her stash of red leaves used for making a sealant for
preserving books.
Another long sentence. Changing that last part makes it more clear that the red leaves are the focus of the sentece
rather than her opening the chest. And thankfully it shortens the sentence just a bit.
Old
She chases after him but soon realizes that he's much too quick. A Fireball or Energy Bolt
could damage the book, so a desperate, "GUARDS!" bursts from her lips as she helplessly
watches him near the forest edge.
New
She chases after him but soon realizes that he's much too quick. A fireball or energy bolt
could damage the book, so a desperate, "Guards!" bursts from her lips as she helplessly watches him
near the forest's edge.
I do some things that aren't normally used in novels, such as using "!?", but out of all the chapters I've now written
I've never used an all caps, itallicized, and bolded word. Changing "forest" to "forest's" seems to make the edge
feel more immediate. I also later changed the spelling convention of spells to be lower case.
Old
Melfina slows to a purposeful run, takes a deep breath, and waves her right hand to cast Clumsy. The
thief stumbles and trips over a loose stone, with the Tome securely clutched to his body. He springs back to his
feet however, ready vanish from sight before she can do anything else that might be effective.
New
Melfina slows to a purposeful run, takes a deep breath, and casts clumsy. The thief stumbles and trips
over a loose stone with the Tome securely clutched to his body. He springs back to his feet, close to vanishing
from sight.
Trying to be too technical in casting the spell. Definitely not needed. And another long sentence gone.