What a strange new world I find myself in.
The city itself looks like the Britain I know and love, but in my heart I know it's not.
How did I get here? The last thing I remember was a very large drunken man with his fist in my face. But the joke's on him! I didn't even need those teeth!
But last night's victory is behind me, and a new set of obstacles in my path. Naked and alone, I hide from the masses.Better to first inspect my surroundings before I make a move.
A queer looking man dressed in yellow garbs enters my view. A strange land indeed.
I turn to my left and am met with the king of all beasts -- KING KONG!
They say he can smell fear. They say his hunger is only squelched by the taste of human flesh. They say the only thing greater than his hunger is his endless search for a queen.
I clench my butt cheeks and hope he doesn't take notice.
I don't move a muscle and am hidden from sight, but some how he knows I'm here! He stares in my direction with a perverted look about his face. My testicles receed into my body. I know his vengeance would be swift and painful, and I would not survive the encounter.
I do the only thing I can. I go for help.The man in yellow doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I dash around the corner and check my bank box for any riches at my disposal. I know not where I am, or what has become of me. I one thing is certain -- I must excape!
To the ocean, to the open sea I would go! I run as fast as I can to the provisioner. A boat is the only answer.
"Twelve-thousand five-hundred gold pieces!? Are you mad?"
I run in circles, find myself exactly where I began, and find the beast doing battle with Jack Sparrow.
"I'll poison your ass." He displays for the world to see.
He must have taken one too many poundings and is now back for revenge. A tear of admiration leaks from mine eye.He's got him on the run! The queen-seeking-man-beast is on the run! The angry butt pirate give chase. But how could this be? No mortal could slay the this beast... it would seem I was wrong.
Exotic weapons and armor of old. What a strange land indeed. The pirate-humping-ape-king takes a final dirt nap. Jack Sparrow is victorious.
I stop to give him thanks, but he responds in a dialect not known to me. I do the best with what hand signals are at my disposal.
And with the beast lying there defeated in shame and the pirate retreating to plunder and plot, my mind is troubled with my new found circumstances. I'm in a land not known to me, naked and alone... and a little horny. No friends, no equipment, and no hope. And through it all... a single question nags on my thoughts:
If I violate the lifeless beast and no one see's me do it, am I a bad man?
Too many questions.
I stop to write down the accounts of my life this day. For if I don't, know one will ever believe me. Not even myself.
...And then I wake. Ah, it was only a dream.
(Please be a dream.)
::note to self: stop insulting the wives of drunken men in pubs who are twice your size::