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Episode 127: Tome of Forbidden Knowledge

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Hail friends,

Today's tale is a sad tale, indeed. But I'll let you decide if it's hetero enough or not.

Let us begin.

I find my heterosexual self in the Dungeon of Destard once again.

And I find Lady Kisaki Azhure of KOA slaying the huge-cock-having creatures that inhabit these caves.


(Or something less gay.)

I stealth in close, pass over a pet summoning ball and a dragon slayer lute, spot an uninsured Tome of Lost Knowledge, and crap my pants.

I lick my lips, I like my fingers, and I lick my way to victory!

I waste no time as I reach out and grab my prize!

For centuries (it seems) I've been looking forward to this moment. Backpack upon backpack I've snooped over the years hoping to spot one of these rare treasures in the hands of some careless fool.

The odds were slim that I'd even set my eyes on this non-blessed spellbook. The odds were slim but now I prevail this day!


I check my pack again.




Did I fumble the steal? Did I fumble the target? Am I as homosexual as others hope I am?

I make a U-turn and fix to right this wrong.

Kisaki Azhure remains and I move in again.

"You can't steal that."


I grab my dagger.

(Plan B.)

I take a step back and analyze the situation. A poisonous dagger in my hand. A bardic mage holding a Boomstick in hand with too many skill points invested in magery and bardic skills (and with no way to defend my ever swing). And an uninsured Tome of Lost Knowledge for the taking.

I get her on tracking and prepare a Death Strike.

One of the huge-cock-having lizards sets its eyes on the bardic mage in stead of her pink puppy. The dragon doesn't look too happy when it lands a harm, then poison, then lightning spells on the intruder.

This one was a runner.

This would have to be quick.

(Now or never.)

I land a first Death Strike before she knows what's going on. I land a second Death Strike as she heads for the exit. Poisoned, in pain, and with her life slipping away, she makes a run for it.

Five steps she takes as she hangs on to this world by a sliver...

...but doesn't fall.

She makes it out the dungeon with me close behind and with the non-stealable Tome ever so close.



She makes it to sanctuary and she scurries into her ivory tower.



So long I've waiting to get my hands on one of these. So many neon books I've scanned to check their insurance status. So close... and yet so far away.


Out of frustration I jump the sparkles in the basement...

...only to find that I've missed the party and am only greeted with some of the leftovers on the ground.

(I take no glory in this.)

My head drops. My reality shaken.

I go home in shame.

And thus, the thief died a slow and painful death in the twilight years of his life. The gods got a good laugh as they pointed and chuckled from on high as their non-stealable spellbook finally hooked in a sucker. The villagers laugh at the queer thief as they this story soon becomes legend. Songs are sung in pubs to the local drunks, stories are told around camp fires to the young ones, and in the end, all that was ever remembered of the thief was his silly little goal, his silly little book, and his silly little failure.

(Sometimes I get this crazy feeling that this game is made without pvp stealing in mind.)

*sad face*

'Til next time!

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