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Episode 100: The King of Thieves (Part I)

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a male sovereign or monarch; a man who holds by life tenure, and usually by hereditary right, the chief authority over a country and people.

(I sit upon the throne that they'll never let me keep.)

And on my knees, in the twighlight of my own misfortune, I find myself in prayer, seeking the guidance with the great and ever present god, Jeremy: [EAMythic Community Coordinator]

My name is Chad Sexington, the guildmaster of THIEF on the shard of Napa Valley as well as the webmaster of UOThief.com.

I have recently completed Episode 91 of my on-going Mis-adventures. Episode 100 soon approaches and I would like to make an event of it. I don't know if it's within your power or authority but I'm requesting a name change. (And the name change only when I finally arrive on the eve of Episode 100, not sooner.)

From: Chad Sexington

To: Chad Sexington the King of Thieves

I'm aware of at least two other players that have been granted these special titles that are not attainable through the regular character creation process (too long). I'm also aware that they've been granted these titles as a result from official in-game events. But there's a first time for everything. No?

Here's a list of facts that I've put together to try and make my case:
  • I'm a long time player of Ultima Online, beginning in 1999 during T2A.
  • I've been doing the Mis-adventures for nearly a year and a half, starting in January of 2006.
  • It's hard for me to get hard statistics for how many people read the mis-adventures themselves, but I can tell you that there are roughly 20,000 page requests from the site as a whole every month.
  • In this time I've been interviewed twice by UO Stratics Napa Valley News Reporters, as well as MC Viceroy of UORadio.
  • My likeness is to be featured in upcoming comics by Eggman of sosariantales.com. (per my request)
  • I receive many private messages from former players saying they've re-activated their accounts after reading my stories.
  • I do all my stealing with the stealing skill exclusively in Felucca. (As far as I can tell, the way it was intended.)
  • I intend to keep UOThief.com alive long after Ultima Online is retired.
  • Unlike various sites that provide news based or information based services (which are important), I believe it's the creative sites that will be the ones to carry the memory of UO alive & well for decades to come.
Again, I don't know if it's within your power, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.


Chad Sexington

One day passes with my thoughts anxiously waiting a response. A second day passes with my mind in a permanent stale-mate with a gazillion questions on what the outcome may be. And on the third... I finally get what's coming to me:
That is a very neat idea, but I'm sure you can imagine the uproar it would cause if you got special treatment - and we don't have the resources to do something like this for everyone who asks, even if we apply some sort of "fame" filter on it. Sorry!

And just like that, there it is. How could I be so blind? How could I be so obtuse?


News of my coronation would spread like wildfire across the great ancestral planes. From shard to shard, word of would spread like an unwanted sexually transmitted disease. The citizens of the innocent and the proud and the bold would take to the streets with the torch and the pitchfork in hand! The head of this newly crowned monarch they would demand!

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" they'd scream in the night.

The churches of the gods (along with their monthly payments) would be torn down with the seering hate of thousand suns. The anarchy! The madness! None of my kind would be safe after that day! The "ME TOO Army" is what they would call themselves. An ailment that weakens them so, would force them to cry out so loudly, it would be popularly be known as "The Trammelian Sickness" in the generations that would follow in its wake.

"If he gets special treatment, then we all deserve special treatment!" they would say in a singular, unified voice, echoing past their self-righteous chins.

The king would sit upon his mighty throne, made from the ivory tusks of the most extinct of exotic beasts, and rule with an unrelenting iron fist. The gods would resist and the mob would grow. Mass suicides and hangings of very cute kittens in protests would be soon to follow. And eventually, the gods would give in to their demands of the army. The gods would apologize for taking an action so bold, bend over to the angry peoples, and ask forgiveness to the mob (in token form!)

Tokens would be given the power to crown them one by one in the name of equal treatment. The gods would reward the army for producing an uproarious uproar like none has ever been seen. (And like none shall be ever seen again!)

And thus, the king that was, was king no more.



'Tis a sad story.


In truth, just being in position to propose such a proposterous request and have the gods consider such an action -- even for a moment -- was all the thanks I was looking for and all the thanks I deserve. Through my travels I've sinned many sins and I've wronged many rights... paid in full by the innocents that I've met along the way. Encounters with often brutal (and often hillarious) consequences. Just to be in the same sentence as "fame filter" from the gods themselves stroks my ego more than I had ever hoped I would receive in response. The name "Chad Sexington" is one that the gods won't soon forget. And thus, I leave my mark on this world and put these paws to rest -- a life well lived.

In truth, if I had never asked, I would never know. And what a waste that would be!

Good day!

*bows out*

(And here I return to my first throne. One more fitting for one such as myself.)

...And so it ends.

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