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I receive word that a female adventurer is in need of company in the Dungeon of Ice.
My sources tell me that she's very bored and looking for a thief to brighten her day. Those same sources tell me that the prize for brightening her day would be a hot, thief-on-woman, sex-capade!
I know of such a thief!
(Yes, it's true!)
*straps on my sex-capade sandels and off to Ice Dungeon I go*
(Far be it for me to keep her waiting.)
I enter the icy dungeon, take a look around, and know exactly where to go. There was only one place she could be. The real question is, who would she be? A lonely maiden seeking adventure? A mis-guided virgin looking for something new?
Too many questions.
The anticipation? Intense. The promiscuity? Like no other.
I enter the icy pit and keep myself waiting no longer.
Lady Sakura (The Black Mage!)
A trick? A trap? A second chance to work her black magic on me?
Such a turn of events and tall order... but I came this far and I was up to the task.
I take a closer look.
A bag of sending!
I like my lips, step outside, and prepare my blades. It must be quick. I musn't let her speak or she will put a spell on me (again). I enter the pit once more, grasp my fork, wait for a fresh Ice Fiend to spawn, brace myself for a dirty fight,... and strike!
*The intense cold from the Ice Fiend is damaging your ego!*
The longer I stay, the more the swings I fail to land and the more times I meet the wrong end of her own (still armed) blade! The longer I stay, the more my ego becomes bruised.
I step out side, compose myself, re-enter, reset, and try again.
This time I land my disarming blow just as she fells the Ice Fiend to her left. I equip my kryss as another fiend appears to our right.
I side-step to the left, deal my infectious poison, deal a death strike to seal her fate, and get out of the way of the intense cold.
Oh, how the tables have turned!
I point and laugh at the helpless mage and enjoy every second.
Even without her saber she manages to parry blow after blow from the beast. Not much longer now. The fiend casts a magic arrow and then an energy bolt as my poison still pulses through her viens.
And in my moment of sweet revenge, with victory so tantalizingly close...
"Anh Mi Sah Ko!" she says and dashes for the exit!
(You've got to be kidding me.)
I mount my steed, prepare a death strike, and give chase.
I find her outside almost completely healed. I attack at full speed, deal my death strike, and watch her weave her way inbetween the heavy spawn that surrounds us.
Death striked and poisoned but they were of little use. My poison was no match for her life regenerative armor. she beats me to the exit, is wisked away, and I soon find myself alone with nothing to show for it.
I go home, lay my pathetic head down on my pathetic pillow. I rest my eyes with no glory, no treasure, and no sexual intercourse.
It can't end like this! I march myself back to the cave of my latest failure and hope that her ego is even bigger than my own!
I check her pockets and find a stack of 30 powder of translocation waiting for me! Maybe this was the riddle throw at my face this night from the gods ever watching from up on high. Perhaps it was all part of the greater pattern that governs us all? The stars aligning? The gods pulling their puppet strings? Whatever it was, I wasn't complaining.
I question the events of this night no longer.
Blood would be spilt this night.
I roll up my sleeves, reach into her pack, and snatch my well earned powder.
I take what's mine but she wasn't going to get away that easily. Not his one. Not this time.
I recall to the bank, stash away my powder, and this time I bring something with a little more sting.
The plan was simple:
Energy field the exit to block her escape and leave my new snake friend here to watch my back and to greet my enemy. Enter the cave, mount my steed, disarm, bleed, poison, and deal a last and final killing blow.
I step inside and put the plan into action. Disarmed and bleeding, she pops to life and this time, much quicker. She runs for the exit with my field dropping just as we exit and as the snake joins the fight! With 1/3 life, me in front, the snake to her right, and the ice fiend behind, she had no where to run. I reach back, prepare an infection strike...
...but find the blade without poison!
I skip the poison and go for the kill.
And her miserable life finally ends.
And through my victory I have to ask myself one question. A question I believe every noble man has to ask themselves at least once in their lifetime:
If I violate her lifeless corpse and no one see's me do it, am I a bad man?
I won't name any names, but what followed involved a thief, someone unable to perform, and a lot of weeping.
(I've said too much.)
'Til next time!
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