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Episode 090: Escapades of a Dishonest Man




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Hail friends,

Today I take home some of the greatest treasures I've ever laid eyes on. But every treasure has a price. Nothing in this world is free. And I fear I've finally crossed the line and have stolen from the wrong man. I take my treasure home, yet I know I'll never be forgiven.

Today, I cross the Death Dealer himself.

They say he can slay you with but a glance. They say if you cross him, his reach will live on and haunt your children's children's children...

*gulp*

I'll tell you now where this story takes place... but as I look back, no other city could contain such a tale.

The City of Compassion.

He makes his entrance. And with no grand entrance, no ominous preludes, no half-naked chorus of anti-angels clear his path...

The Death Dealer riding the Pale Horse.

(This was not a good sign.)

I should turn back... but how could I not?

*pop*

Nothing but a pair of insured axes, next to an insured shield of invulnerability, next to a few hundred gold pieces and other various pieces of survival gear.

Perhaps today was not to be the day?

The Death Dealer moves north.

I turn to leave.

--And the Death Dealer returns poisoned, red lined, limping, and with a magic arrow from an angry titan not far behind!

(!!!)

"Death Dealer! Watch out!" any compassionate bystandard would yell.

"I'll search for such a person and brb!" I tell him. But I'm much too slow.

DEAD!?

What to do? OH, WHAT TO DO??

Do I dare cross his path for a few hundred gold pieces and a dozen-and-a-half petals?

I do!

*pockets gold & petals*

...

He comes back, tells me I failed the test, and informs me that my soul is required as payment!

He tells me that he's going to feast on my flesh and all of my kind! He tells me that I've damned all humanity to his endless fury! He tells me he has to go before the bronze elemental and acid elemental face-plant him once more!

(!!!)

I point and laugh.

I mock and stare.

I count my gold, count my petals, and look down at his corpse...

...and find that his black robe still remains!

I dig further and find his insurance has ran out. I pop his corpse and there his suit lay for the taking. The acid elemental has moved on, but the bronze still keeps watch, and my sources tell me the Death Dealer wouldn't be long. I reach into his corpse and start looting wildly.

First the robe and apron just to get them out of my way.

The bronze elemental begins his assault.

Next the weapons, some armor, and a braclet.

My life begins to dip. There is so much to take. I manage to get most of it, but more still remains. My life is all but red lined and I'm forced to make a pre-mature exit. (The worst kind!)

And off in the distance, I take a closer look at my new found treasure!

VICTORY! OH, GLORIOUS VICTORY! SWEET, SWEET, ORGASM INDUCING VICTORY!

I shall sacrifice a thousand goats in your honor! Oh sweet, merciful, insurance hating Death Dealer!

I return to the scene of the crime in hopes of finishing the job.

Nothing but bones.

(Nuts.)

I head up the road and find that he's even more pre-mature than I am!

He returned in search of his body, in search of his belongings, in search of the looter who looted his lootable body... yet, I suspect he was too pre-occupied and too arrogant to bother with insuring what he had left.

(Only one way to find out.)

(Success.)

I take everything that's left and dodge the pre-mature elementals.

(Apparently angry with their own short-comings.)

And even with my new found treasure, away from the monsters, the real threat is still around the corner! He knew it was me! He had to know! What shall I do? Where shall I go? How will I ever escape his wrath!? Why does he hate insurance so? Was it all just a test after all? Was it all just a trick to get the scum of the world to show their true faces and true nature!? Oh, how foolish I've become!

Too many questions.

I return to Luna to check the resist of my new suit of armor and see how it fits.

Satisfied with my new armor and fearing for my life, I return to the sanctity of my home.

...

And that's the story of how I saved my immortal soul!


*backs away from the camp fire slowly*

Wide-eyed Youngling: But what about the Death Dealer? How did you survive?

Chad Sexington: He looked into my soul, we met on common ground, and we came to an understanding.

*hands the youngling a picture of the Death Dealer & Chad high fiving each other with an inscription on the bottom*

"We don't stop until we hear pelvis crack."

...

*wide-eyed confused face*

"One day you'll learn, youngling. One day."

*wide-eyed happy face*


'Til next time!


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