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Episode 082: The Mystery of the Blood Soaked Vampire

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Hail friends,

The events that unfolded this night perplex me even now. Don't be fooled by it's innocent roots at Yew. I promise you; by the end there will be treasure, there will be heartbreak, and there will be at least one person no longer of the living. I write to you, whoever you are, as proof of my innocense. "Off with is head!" the citizenry will yell. "Chop off his hands!" the detectives will scream. And if not for you, I scribble this now to proove to myself of my own sanity. The cold, stark truth is: If you're reading this, it's much too late for me...

Early this night, I walked the lands of Sosaria. And like I said, with nothing to be found, I settle on a quiet night at the Gate of Yew.

The gate turned out to be no so quiet after all.

Enchantress with a magic ring catches my attention. Not the mightest of rings, but like I said, I already reliquished my thirst for grandeur this night. (And plus, he had it, so I wanted it.)

Not standing in one spot for very long, I set my sights on the ring, and prepare myself for a snatch 'n grab. Just about as I'm about to act, a red comes into view from the north and darts off to the south. A Juicy Mango and Enchantress give chase.

Try as I might, I soon find myself out of breath, with no one in sight, alone in the forest of Yew.

I turn my attention back northward, stop at the gate, then proceed where A Juicy Mango has just slain another of his foes.

I wait at the pathetic looking corpse and see if Enchantress will bestow me with her pretty little face (and hope that she still carries my treasure).

A Juicy Mango approaches once more, Enchantress never shows, and I trip over an invisible intruder.

A Juicy Mango: Chad.

"Bastard Chad" he says (still bitter from the wrong end of my blade, no doubt), but I have no time for him. I'm on the hunt.

The legions of G!B and FOO battle on, the fight rages on, but my enchantress never shows.

And Just as I'm about to leave, I bump another invisible spectator, and a recklace warrior mis-interprets it as a theft and a laugh at his expense... but I have no use for his many bandages.

Don't bother me. I'm on the hunt.

It seems Fate's hand works its magic once more. Without that minor nuissance I would have left too soon, and Enchantress wouldn't have entered my life once more.

I track her to the north with the rest of the action and make my move.


Satisfied with my minor loot and performance, I head back to Luna to call it a night... And that's when everything gets all bendy. The events are still hazy and my memory remains queer.

A red gate opens.

Enchantress in llama form runs down the steps from the bank and walks through.

I give chase.

Enchantress and fish- are there to greet me and they don't look too happy.

I snoop them both, but there's nothing to be had but a few hundred gold pieces.

I track them northwest and watch them while they gain some magical resistance.

I let them leave and turn my attention for anything else to excite my senses. In fact... I look at my unfamiliar surroundings. I trek around the rest of the jungle island. I move clockwise. I start on the northside, work my way around, and at the south end... my adventure comes to me.


I dive in head first. And into the deepest pits of hell, I find a most familiar of sights:

Lady Tammy!

Some call it fate. I call it love at first sight. For wherever I look, there she is. I interrupt her as she continues to beat on the demons weilding her mighty Exiler and find a treasure fitting for an adventure such as this:

Powder of Fortification!

I glance at the Bag of Sending, but my decision is made and I make my move.


I leave her be this day. (I swear!) I make my way to the exit of this treacherous labyrinth, step to the side, and mark a rune for myself. And just as I'm about to leave, Fate intervenes once more.

Lord Cathal?

A random adventurer? A friend of Lady Tammy, returning to re-supply her? Too many questions and only one way to find out.

I head back into hell, walk through the already open doors, and push through the billion question marks that block my vision.

Every room I check.


Nothing but Lady Tammy, busily swinging away. I move in once more.

But find nothing but the same bag, now with only 5 charges.

I turn and leave her be. (It wasn't me!)

Methodically, I double check the rooms all the way to the entrance. The imps on my shoulder nag on my brain, I turn back, and return to triple check for my invisible foe.


It wasn't me! I swear! ...or was it? My memory still foggy and my thoughts still jumbled. Did I blackout? Do I just not remember?

I creep forward to inspect further, intent on finding proof of my innocense!

Nothing but a zero charge bag.


I check the room once more.

Nothing but a 26k mound of gold.


I fill my pockets with all they can hold and search for her murderer. But there is no one to be found.

"Lord Cathal! It was his doing!" you might say.

"It was Chad all along n00blet." the crowd behind would correct you, throw things at you, and inform the world of last night's fesitvities involving a train and your mother. (It seems your mom is a dirty whore!) It seems I'll never know the truth about the events of this night. I'll never know for certain, but follow my logic:

A bag with zero charges. A giant mound of gold. Lord Cathal. A blue with the title of lord. Lady Tammy's corpse pointing towards the exit. Her in the outer corridor. A pair of demons keep her company...

...and her backpack missing a 6 charge Powder of Fortification.




Lord Cathal was just a treasure hunter. He was picking the many chests throughout the dungeon as he just stealthed from one room to the next. Through the endless beatings from the demons, her Exiler finally snaps in half due to lack of fortification. She wakes from her waking slumber, checks her pack for her powder, checks her hands for her Exiler, and realizes her situation two moments too late. She dashes for the doors as she takes a combination of lesser spells from behind. After she swings them open, flames from a pair of flamestrikes begin to build at her feet. They begin to rise up her body, she has time to take a few more steps down the hall, and the fire extinguishes what's left of her pretty soul. The demon follows her out the hall and the doors slam shut behind.

Of course I can't prove any of it.

*ponders some more*

Unless... Lord Cathal was there to meet his demon worshiping, blue assassin, partner in crime! They find Lady Tammy just as I did, oogle her fun bags, and slay her slowly so she feels it. They then attempt to offer her as a virgin as sacrifice to their demonic lords. The demon gods become angered at the sight of the filthy whore. They think fast and submit a huge pile of gold in her place. They slit their arms, spill their blood on the gold, and offer it in forgiveness. The demon lords devour Lord Cathal's friend in anger. Lord Cathal then uses the bag of sending to send back the heads of the rest of his slain victims. He strips Lady Tammy naked and places the bag of sending back on her body just to confuse unsuspecting, overtly curious thieves!


...and I'm pretty sure it involved a train and your mother, but I'm still unsure at the moment.

This will require further investigation.

'Til next time!

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