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Episode 077: Lost in the shadow of the bearded lady. (Part 1 of 2)

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A group of persons forming a cohesive, usually contentious minority within a larger group.

Back from a long walk around the world with nothing to entertain me, I return to Luna and instead wait for adventure to come to me... and I didn't have to wait long.

A red gate appears but the magician who summoned it is no where in sight.

I check my inventory, recite my death bed repentance for a lifetime of unforgivable deeds, and voluntarily walk into the gate, ready to greet whomever lay in wait on the other side.


And no one but a fellow scoundrel to greet me. Ah, Britain. Where women smell (and sound!) like men, where rats rival dogs in size, and where street urchins circle around fresh meet like vultures -- just the way I left it. We eye each other, approach cautiously, and give each other the secret handshake. He fumbles it, I catch him, he apologizes, and I accept.

When something else catches our attention.

DankFire of the GoR darts from the bridge, through the streets, and to Lord British's castle she goes. I stealthily follow steps behind and Devin... follows... uh... not so stealthily.

He gets to her first. I watch from a distance.

And just as fast as she rode in; DankFire blazes off to the east, Devin disappears into the shadows, and I stare at the newly formed True Britainian army that was not here a few days ago and decide on patience.


I sit.


I wait.


And again, she blazes across my screen.

I spy something to my liking. I try to get in close, but the glitter bug is too quick! North and south through the streets she rides. East to the tailor and back to the bank she zooms.

Before she leaves once more, I get her on tracking to ease my pain.

I find her at the bank and this time she wasn't alone.

One of the guardians of the city, one of the True Britainians keeps watch. He wipes away a tear and mutters something about getting 3rd in an arm wrestling competition... losing only to two amazonian women. (I'm sure it was unimportant.)

This wasn't going to be as easy as I had hoped. Eastward they now ride. And my sources tell me they head to the smithy.

My sources were wrong.


I pause at the smithy and tell the faction vendor men to keep their ugly faces shut and to put on some deoderant.


I look again and apologize to the ladies.


The leader of the pack strokes her beard, has a look of discomfort about her face, widens her stance, and shoves her penis to the side. I back away in fear and circle around the shop to find my quarry with a third compatriot.

I quickly snoop DankFire & Mikey and find nothing but bandages.

And yet... I'm intrigued by their actions by a puzzle that I haven't solved yet. So I stick around to indulge in their business.

Whatever it was, Herman the Paladin had their full attention. (All the better for me.) And then the unthinkable happens...

The True Britainian begins attacks one of his brothers in arms!

Why would any Brtainian do such a thing!? There be a traitor in their midst! "Sound the alarms! Sound the trumpets!" I shout out with my unnatural telepathy that I do not possess. And yet... with three empty packs, the magical talisman re-gains my attention.

I stand around like an idiot still unsure where the guardzone starts and where it ends.


And there it was, so blatantly obvious:

It was the steed they were after! A mighty treasure indeed! Unfortunately a treasure not attainable for myself. A group effort it would take and their full attention required. A fourth companion enters from the east, segregated from the others.

I move in to say hello.

Not expecting anything I see something poking its head in the corner of his pack...



Herman's courage is comendable against these traitors. But this was a fight he couldn't win. His health drops and Mikey finally delivers a mighty blow.

The knight is knocked to the ground. Their attention distracted with their minds in self congratulatory mode. I'd have to act swiftly and I'd have to act fast.

With nothing between DankFire and my blade except a pathetic piece of ringmail, it was going to be quick. The plan was simple:

"Poison, death strike, armor ignore, open corpse, take talisman, and shuriken the beetle for style points." It had to be perfect and it all had to happen before the three others had time to react. I recite the plan over and over in my head as I wait for the beast to lead the tamer outside of the guard's protection.

I grasp my kryss, prepare my poison, and position myself to the west and wait for her to come to me--

--when Herman has his revenge and strikes down his enemy (with fire!).

The murderous mage and the foot solider come to his aid leaving the tamer alone with the beast! Now is the time! Now is when I would strike! I recite my plan once more, the others realize they can't ressurect their faction bound friend, head back to the tamer to lend their assisstance, and in my finest moment, when all the stars finally aligned in my favor -- my presence is discovered!


The mage mistakenly begins to summon a field of energy instead of one of poison. I shadow jump to safety. I look back...

...and grin.

I look back up...

...and my heart sinks.

The beast was tame. "Kal Ort Por!" she says and is gone. And with her, all hope of getting my hands on my prize. I follow the unbonded bettle as it wanders off.

I shuriken it anyway and return to see if there was any more action to be had.

To the Spirituality Shrine, I give chase.

But there was nothing for me here. I return to the great city and find the traitor day dreaming on the bridge.


(Why not?)

I fell my foe, collect my insurance gold, but I take no glory in this kill.

A perfect plan, a perfect opportunity, and once again, the gods play their tricks, play their games, take their voodoo doll in my likeness, and throw it into the fire as they high five their omnipotant drunken buddies.




I return to Luna in hopes that my next gate will bring me the great fortune that I deserve.

*sad face*

A britainian women see's me in my moment in pain and comforts me. All I do it stare back at her with my sad, sad face. I glance downward to the right and spot her cute puppy tagging along. I crouch down to pet the lil fella. It snaps at my hand with its rodent jaws of death!

I jump back in fear and spot a second pup to the left. I reach my arm out, but a rat twice its size gobbles it up!

"DID YOU SEE THAT!?" I yelp out to the human sized she-rat I've been talking to all along!

*runs off in fear as the giant she-rat adjusts its penis*


(This town is too rough for me.)

'Til next time!

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