News of my demise has been greatly exaggerated.
To tell this tale I'll have to start at the beginning. This adventure starts one week ago from this very night. It stars a thief. A thief that isn't me. Apparently a very lonely and eager thief that is looking for others of his kind.
He's also a thief that shares a cabin in the mountains with a very lonely and eager mage. "Broke Back Cabin" they called it. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
These days it's rare for me to recieve messages from those who haven't heard of my exploits. It makes it harder to steal, but I s'pose it comes with the territory. I should have known right then and there that something was up. And surely my brain was saying "yes", my heart was saying "no", and my genitals were running in fear.
If there's one lesson I take away from this adventure: Always listen to your genitals.Chad Sexington: so how long have you been playing?
Yoink: only a couple months, my bro let me use his account.
*busted*
Let the games begin...
Yoink: do you steal scrolls?
Chad Sexington: yeah
Yoink: do you have any on you right now?
Chad Sexington: what do you mean?
Small chit-chat follows and my B.S. detectors keep making this beeping sound. (I hit the snooze button but he won't leave me be.)
Yoink: i gotta log, but there's this guy in luna that was looking for you earlier.
Chad Sexington: yeah?
Yoink: he really wants to talk to you
Chad Sexington: what's his name?
Yoink: TheOneEyedNewb
Chad Sexington: brt
At this point I'm in full B.S. detection mode. Every word that comes out of my mouth is an act. Every action calculated.
I decide to ride this one through.
Yoink goes into hiding.TheOneEyedNewb: can i buy your inquisitor's?
TheOneEyedNewb: you're probably the last person on the shard i've asked
Chad Sexington: they're not for sale sry
TheOneEyedNewb: i really need them
TheOneEyedNewb: i'll pay lots
I have no doubt Yoink is hidden next to me at this very moment. The vile aura of Luna protects his movements here, even through large crowds. They have me cornered, they have me trapped, and they have a plan. I'm on the defensive and am in no place to make a stand.
TheOneEyedNewb: do you have any scrolls?
TheOneEyedNewb: for sale
The B.S. is flowing freely now. Every word he speaks another log comes tumbling out of his mouth. I ask what that faint fragrance is, trying to drop a hint. He says it was a gift from his cabin buddy up north. I tell him I don't want to know. He goes on and on about cabin games they play to pass the time. "No I don't want to play any cabin games with you."
He keeps insisting with a sly look about his face. (I think he sniffed my hair.) And when I can take no more I give him the most bullshit small talk I can think of, just to leave from his side.
This one deals in B.S. and kinky cabin games.
Two can play this game... minus fixing each other's hair, talking about our feelings and strange "Pull My Finger, No That's Not My Finger" games. Games which I am still unsure of the rules.
Yoink & TheOneEyedNewb have become my new pet project. ^^
I didn't have much time. I send word to my guildmember Shade via my carrier pigeon Stinky -- post haste!
Chad Sexington: want to be in the next episode? but i need to know you can keep a secret
Shade: but of course.
Chad Sexington: here's the deal, Yoink & TheOneEyedNewb are trying to scam me.
Shade: hahaha
Chad Sexington: he's asking for my pbd gloves
Shade: your pbd item...
Shade: does he think you're stupid?
Chad Sexington: he wants me to remove the pbd, drop them in the trade window, yoink will already have it on last target. he'll cancel the trade, yoink will hit steal/last target, and run off.
Shade: so what's the plan?
Chad Sexington: When we find TheOneEyedNewb at the bank I'll party him and ask if he still wants to do the trade while a take a screenshot of the guild gump with yoink not online. a few seconds later yoink will magically appear.
Shade: hahaha
Chad Sexington: after we go upstairs and we set the price I'll hit hide real quick, remove the pbd, insure it, re-appear and drop it in the trade window.
Chad Sexington: he'll cancel the trade, the glove will drop in my pack, yoink will attempt to steal, appear next to me, and we both gank him.
Shade: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shade: i should bring a hiryu and name it something
Chad Sexington: Scammer Detector
Shade: YES.
Shade: do you think it'll work?
Chad Sexington: he'll either see the insurance or he won't and appear next to me. doesn't matter. it'll be fun. need to get rid of the gloves anyway.
Chad Sexington: Whatever you do don't tell anyone. Not even anyone else in the guild.
Shade: of course
(Trust no one.)
I go into hiding.
I drop by only moments at a time. With two sets of eyes surveying the bank we plan & we plot.
No one shows.
I entertain myself the usual ways...
A few luna floor scrolls to hold me over.
Another key I can hold for ransom. (sucker!)
I was about to leave a heart felt thank you on the message board but it seems an old guildmember beat me to it.Day after day we search for this lonely eager cabin mage dweller, TheOneEyedNewb. Through my excitement I failed to ask where his cabin was located. Through various methods of deduction and overtly complex integrations, I narrow it down to mountain who's passages are blocked in the winter by the yearly snow... possibly sprinkled with glitter and polk-a-dots.
I search for it with no success.
Stinky returns with a message:
Smeagol: Haven't seen ya in awhile. Anyways I wanted to ask if you know whats up with the thief page its super slow loading when it does load. And to brag about that score I made in brit fel last week, Rune beatle carapice..wootwoot! Heh...Hope all is well. See ya!
All the good stuff and without me! How rude!
They think I've perished! They think I've gone from this world! They think they can run around brit fel and dance on my grave with their uninsured Rune Beetle Carapaces, drinking their ale, and eating their very delicious sandwiches!
This has gone on too long. I let Smeagol in on the plan and not a moment too soon. Moments later I get the word.
Smeagol: TheOneEyedNewb is at the gate and Yoink is trying to scam my friend, haha.
Shade was no where to be found. No matter. It was going to happen with or without him. I prepare for the kill. The big fat kill.
*game face!*
Yoink: hi
Chad Sexington: hi
It's been one week since I've spoken to Yoink. I wonder if he still remembers? I wonder if at this very moment he's wondering how to bring up the gloves again? Why hasn't he quit the guild? Why hasn't he killed one of my guildmates?
Maybe he's planning on killing me tonight. One final laugh before he exits the stage.
Whatever happens, we'll find out tonight.
With my shurikens re-stocked, a newly poisoned kryss ready, new skills in Tactics & Anatomy learned, (and Smeagol lay in wait, hidden on the 2nd floor of Luna Bank) I stealth on over to the Bank.
(Nice scrolls for someone a couple months old.)
Too many years in the mountains, this one can't even tell when a lady is standing in front of him.
I've observed this youngling long enough. I make my move.
I give him as much B.S. as I can handle without giving it away. I thought the grin on my face gave it away a couple of times, but fortunately this one was checking out my package.
Just in Luna you say? LIES!
He quickly hides and TheOneEyedNewb magically appears before my very eyes! Magic I say! Unholy cabin magic I say!
Yoink announces his exit from this stage, but my sources tell a different story.
TheOneEyedNewb: i'll pay 60mil
I try to stop grinning. Fortunately this one was busy grabbing my ass. I try to resist, but his cabin allure is too great. I submit.
We move to the 2nd floor, just as he had planned... or was it just as I had planned? There are so many lies being told it's hard to keep things straight.
TheOneEyedNewb stands ready and waiting. Yoink to my left, Smeagol to my right, and everyone's attention fixated on a blessed Inquisitor's Resolution in my possession. I follow my plan but move slower than I had anticipated. I didn't want to make a mistake or it would all be for naught.
I equip my kryss.
*tick*
*tock*
*tick*
*tock*
He suspects. His mind wanders. He's been caught. He needs to get out. His mind searches the most elegant words his powers can summon.
BLAST!
This one wasn't going to "get to me" ever again! We move on to Plan B! We murder the assassin before he can murder me.THE ASSASSIN!
Still out and about. TheOneEyedNewb makes his exit... he said something about harrassing some stable boys or something. I'm unsure at this point. I didn't have to wait long before the assassin magically re-appeared. His mistake.
*HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND*
I liberate a red velvet pouch and a single gold coin from his corpse to hold and to keep, in memory of this glorious occasion.
And in my victory I feel a dark storm building in the east. I've bested this pair of lovers this day -- a young wide-eyed thief with much to learn, and a crotchity old mountain man that keeps insisting I pull his finger -- but they won't be the last. Others will follow, try to gain my trust, and get in close. Because one thing's for certain:
It's the only way you'll ever catch me.
GOOD DAY!
