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Episode 032: Raven's Eye vs. Chad Sexington

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Hail friends,

A boat key? Invalid location you say?


I strap on my thigh high knickers and I'm off to T2A!

(All the cool people wear thigh high knickers.)


(Or so I've been told.)


From the Papuan docks to the shores of Terra Sanctum. Past the island Oasis and the outskirts of the Terathan Keep. I criss-cross the open oceans of these lost lands, to Ice East and West I go! Nothing can stop me! Nothing I tell you!

Days turn into weeks, Weeks into months. My imaginary wife writes me imaginary letters. Imaginary sea gulls drop me imaginary packages, sealed with an imaginary kiss they tell me with imaginary words. I cry imaginary tears and weep imaginary emotions.

She sends me one last imaginary letter bound together with an imagery heart of stone. She speaks of imaginary adultry and I curse that imaginary whore.

"I'll stop at nothing! For nothing!" I yell out to the open sea as I crash into an imaginary boat...?

...and turn an imaginary key?

*snaps out of it*

Success! They said it couldn't be done! They said, "If you want a boat that bad I'll buy you one."

Who's the sucker now? Mr. I-could-have-chained-despise-five-times-in-that-amount-of-time

I see your so-called logic and raise you an adulterous wife.

*pumps fist*

I return to city of paladins to and await a well deserved parade in my honor. I'm giddy with excitement. Images of candy, lights, and a guillotine with you-know-who dance around in my head.

No one shows.

"He's here!" They say.

"Who's here?" I yell.

"The one they say no thief can steal from."

They say he has eyes on the back of his head. They say he was born of five-hundred dozen detectives in a mosh pit of unprotected, drunken love in the center of "I hate thieves"-ville.


I had to meet this man. The man who stole my parade. The man they call Raven's Eye.

I find him boldly standing exactly where he knew I'd find him.

(He's good.)

At first I take my time. His aura makes me weak. I gather the courage shadow jump behind him. His aura makes me nautious. I look into his backpack that he dangles from a single shoulder -- taunting me.

I can't believe my eyes.

He turns to face me and I see a necklace around his neck made from the hands of a million thieves.

No one is foolish enough to bring a cursed artifact to the lands of Felucca! It was a trick! (It had to be.)

He turns again a winks at me with one of his mutant eyes.

At 8 stones I had no chance of stealing it undetected. I had no chance of out running the gate guards. In my confusion and horror I become paralyzed and soon it is too late before others enter the fray.

With four pairs of eyes on me now I had no chance. I wait. He wouldn't run back to Trammel like all the others. Not this one. The combatants have been chosen. The stakes have been set.

The master detective versus me.

He prances to the other, mentally fipping me off, staring me down cross-eyed, as he strikes up a witty conversation.

Is this the extent?



He takes a victory lap around the field.

I sit and watch... just like he tells me to.

(This one's good.)

I position myself just outide the reach of the guards... just like he knew I would.

A battle rages on in the distance and I know he'll have to meet me half way if he wants to stay within eye-shot of the action.

I wait.

He steps out. He trots next to me. I reach my arms out with all the vigor I could muster.

My arms become jello, my feet slide on sheets of ice, my fingers become drenched in home made butter. I miss and proove to him and all others how much greater he is than myself.

What has patience gotten me? What was the point of out-smarting the un-out-smartable?

Screw the hiding. Forget my training. I march right up next to him and he waits. Unfeathered, unscathed, and unnerved.

I miss.

I stand there in shame as laughter from my wench rings in my ears... just like he commands me to.

He takes another victory lap as I lick the butter off my hands and kick the ice off my thigh high knickers. I give him the stinkiest eye I can summon as he taunts me yet again.

Hidden, I step outide the reach of the gate guards once more. It was a good plan the first time, only my failure to execute was to blame. I see that now. A murderous red bumps into me. Intrigued and confused at the invisible man before him.

Raven's Eye can't resist. One tile forward then the next.

Big mistake.

I take the Axe of the Heavens with a strut and a stride, but I take this steal as a lesson in humility--

--Exactly the lesson he wants me to be taught.

I look forward to our next encounter.

Round 1: Draw

(Where's my parade?)

'Til next time!

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